The Pabst Blue Ribbon Commission

Dialogue from the movie “Blue Velvet”

Frank Booth (Dennis Hopper): “So, what kind of beer do you like, neighbor?”
Jeffrey Beaumont (Kyle Mac Lachlan): “Heineken.”
Frank Booth (Dennis Hopper): “Heineken? #@)% that @(%! Pabst Blue Ribbon!”

When I think about the recommendations that are leaking out from James Baker’s latest blue ribbon commission concerning what to do next in Iraq, I can’t help but think of the above exchange. While I’m not sure that taking the profane advice of the sexually psychopathic character that Dennis Hopper plays in this movie is the right idea, I do admire the plain speaking involved. One of the central conceits currently on display in official Washington is that, because the Iraq War continues to be a slog, the current occupant of the White House needs to call in his father’s old pals to set a new course. Lately any number of old hands has weighed in, including James Baker, Bush family consigliore and majordomo; Lee Hamilton, the face of “moderate Democrats”; and even Henry Kissinger, apostle of Realpolitik and architect of the disastrous foreign policy of the 1970s. They’ve all been in meetings, dusting off the position papers and cranking up their think tanks and armies of acolytes. And now comes the Big Idea. Are you ready?

Phased withdrawal.
Talk to Syria and Iran.
Lather, rinse, repeat.

Just a few questions, before we adopt this bold new strategy:

Does talking to Syria and Iran confer legitimacy on the governments they have?
Absent a threat, what leverage do we have with either country?
If we talk to Syria and Iran, why don’t we talk to Al-Qaida?

The James Bakers and Henry Kissingers of the world put great faith in talking, because that is what they do. Butter churn manufacturers were quite certain of the efficacy of their products as well. Somehow, talking doesn’t seem to do much.

That’s why I am calling on the valiant readership of this blog to join me on the Pabst Blue Ribbon Commission. I am currently soliciting ideas for What We Do Now, in Iraq and elsewhere. I figure that any recommendations we come up with will be at least as good as what the Fabulous Baker Boys have come up with. And if you want to use lively Anglo-Saxon words like Frank Booth, I’ll even let that slide. But if you bring in a tank full of laughing gas, you’re outta here. And stay away from Isabella Rossellini, okay? The floor is open.