We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming. And that means it's time to make fun of Decrepit! Yeah, baybee!
Whuh? Huh? Sorry, I must have dozed off. Oh, you're making fun of your old man again, huh?
Yes, Decrepit. It's who I am. It's what I do. Ahem. So, as you might know, we have already picked the Bear Down Chicago da Bearz game, succesfully I might add, and we made fun of the Super Bowl Shuffle, the most hideous dance moves since Decrepit tried his hand at Dancing with the Stars.
I won't dance. Don't ask me.
Enough of that. Down to bidness!
South Dakota State Jackrabbits (NL) vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers. I had to look up where South Dakota State is. It turns out that it is in Brookings, SD, wherever the heck that is. I don't know if it's close to the Mitchell Corn Palace, but it reminds me of when the Badgers played Wofford. By the way, I must say that the Corn Palace looks pretty creepy. Anyway, back to the game. The Brew Crew needs a win to become bowl eligible, but I'm worried that it could turn out like the NDSU game a couple of years ago, when the Gophers actually lost to the mighty Bison. Minnesota should win, but it won't be easy. Gophers 20, Jackrabbits 14.
So let's analyze what's at stake here. The Gophers are hoping to win in order to become bowl eligible. Chances are pretty good that if they win this game, they will then lose to Iowa next week and earn a berth in the fabled Little Caesar's Bowl game in lovely Detroit. Does that sound like incentive to you? I suspect the Gophers will win, but they'll probably not enjoy their ultimate destination much. Minnesota 31, SDSU 20.
Meeshegan Hail to the Vanquished (+8 1/2) vs. Beloved Wisconsin Badgers. Well, this game is between two pretty evenly matched teams. I think Badger QB Scott Tolzien is better than Meeshegan's Tate Forcier, who tends to forcier too many passes downfield. But the difference is going to be John Clay. And I believe that the Badgers will be going to a New Year's Day bowl. Bucky Badger 40, Hail to the Vanquished 3.
This is pretty unusual. Historically, the Wolverines have pretty much beaten the Badgers like a redheaded stepchild. Michigan is down now, but they'll be back. You have to make the most of your opportunities to take out all the years of frustration when you can. The Badgers will do that tomorrow. This could get ugly, but not as ugly as Seabiscuit thinks. Badgers 31, Michigan 17.
Herky the Hawkeye (+17) vs. Brutus the Buckeye. RIP to Iowa's perfect record after the dreaded Northwestern Wildcats came into Iowa City and won last week. Now the Hawkeyes face their toughest test of the season without Ricky Stanzi, who I still say is not as good as you might think. It is going to be tough. Even if the game was in Iowa City it would be tough, but this game is in Columbus and the winner will go to Pasadena. Buckeye fans, get your plane tickets west. Ohio State 50, Iowa 2.
No, grasshopper. Not even close. Here's the thing -- Ohio State has trouble scoring, so even though Iowa lost their quarterback, there was no way that the Buckeyes should be a 17 point favorite. They may not score 17 points against the tough Iowa defense. Ricky Stanzi doesn't play defense. In fact, the Buckeyes won't score 17 points. I'm calling the upset. Iowa 17, Ohio State 13.
Motor City Kitties (+17) vs. Minnesota Vikings. Detroit is even worse than a bad Mexican dinner. Matthew Stafford tries, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Minnesota is going to beat the Lions up like what the Romans did to the Christians. Minnesota Vikings 70, Detroit Lions 0.
The Lions still are in the league, Ben. It will be ugly, but not that ugly. I suspect the Vikings will play pretty well, though. And I have a feeling about this game that something bad is going to happen to the Vikings. Call it a hunch. But they'll still win. Vikings 31, Lions 14.
Dallas How 'Bout Them Cowboahs (-3) vs. Glorious Green Bay Packers. I'm having a dilemma with this game. History is saying that Green Bay will win, while this season is saying that the Cowboys will win. Both teams are streaky, but Rodgers is a safer bet than Romo. Romo is kind of like the pro version of Ricky Stanzi. And for all those regulars out there, you know what I think about Ricky Stanzi. Green Bay is gonna win. Packers 10, Cowboahs 7.
Huh. I don't see it that way at all. I see points being scored. Potentially lots of points. The Packers are up against it. I suspect that Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy may have their jobs on the line at this point, especially following the highly embarrassing loss to the Creamsicles last week. The Packers will be desperate to win. And generally I like home underdogs who are desperate. But I also see DeMarcus Ware taking up permanent residence in Aaron Rodgers's grill. And I can't get that out of my mind. Maybe Jon Gruden will be coming back to Green Bay next year. I hate doing this, but.... Cowboys 31, Packers 23.
I wonder if Tradedown Ted Thompson and Mike McCarthy get fired, they might be searching for jobs along with the NWA pilots who overshot the airport because they were too busy dinking around on their laptops.
That's not a good visual, youngblood. But it's possible. Guess we'll find out.