Uh, I think that was "badges," not "badgers."
What, you're a published poet and you don't understand poetic license, old dude? What the heck? When did you get so literal minded?
Oh. Yeah. Sorry.
This is my bit, Geritol Fan! You need to get with the program here and start bringing the HYYYYYYYYYPPPPPPE! Now, we have games to pick, so watch me work!
Meesheegan Wolverines (-12) vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers. Ah, the Little Brown Jug returns to Minnesota. Will it stay here? Let's think about this. Last year the Wolverines edged the Gophers 58-0, so you'd think that it should be easy. Except, not quite. Denard Robinson is injured and is the poster child for the problems of a mobile quarterback. What I mean is this -- he is such a good runner that doesn't always have his focus on passing and as a result he throws some really dumb passes, which are usually picked off. The Gophers are getting better on defense and have some confidence after drilling Purdue last week on this same field. Thus, if Denard Robinson runs more than he passes, the Gophers win, because they'll stuff the box and force him to throw eventually. And Denard has never beaten a team with just his arm. Gophers 35, Meesheegan 10.
Well, cool -- we get that "uh, no" thing out of the way right off the bat! Michigan is not a great team, but they're better than the Gophers. That may change eventually, but not yet. Philip Nelson played very well for the Gophers last week against Purdue, but he'll have growing pains. This week will be one of them. Michigan 27, Gophers 14.
Alabama Crimson Tide (-9) vs. LSU Bayou Bengals. And now, time for a rant. I am sick and tired of hearing how good the SEC is. These two teams played in the national championship last year and it's clear that Alabama only won because they were given a free pass into New Orleans. Alabama did not even win their division in the SEC, but somehow they were playing in the Big Game. Why? Because of SEC Hype, which is not nearly as much fun as Benster HYYYYYYPPPPPPE! The dirty little secret of the SEC is that they are not balanced. It's just one or two very good teams and a few decent ones, and to make matters worse, nobody calls the SEC out for playing down. We hear all the time how the Big Ten plays down, but let's consider some of the teams on Alabama's schedule this year: they are playing such powerhouses as Western Kentucky, Florida Atlantic and the frightening Western Carolina Catamounts. Catamounts? As our friend John McEnroe would say -- you cannot be serious! The defending national champions are playing Catamounts? That's not how it works! You play up to your level! LSU is no better -- they've scheduled such giants of the college game as the Idaho Vandals and the (wait for it) Towson Tigers! What -- they couldn't get St. Olaf on the schedule? This needs to stop! Anyway, as for the game -- LSU wins. End of story. And the SEC will not win the national championship this year. LSU 3, Alabama 0.
Pitchers' duel, eh? Well, I probably should point out that Alabama did play Michigan this year. Then again, you think the Gophers are going to beat Michigan, so maybe that doesn't mean much. I agree with your general point on weak sister nonconference opponents, but that's the college game these days. Anyway, LSU is an awfully tough place to win, but I think this Alabama team is awfully good. Alabama 17, LSU 10.
Minnesota Vikings (+5) vs. Seattle Seabags. The good news for the Vikings is that there are no replacement officials likely to be in attendance at the game this week, which should prevent Seattle's miscreant wide receiver Golden (Hand of God) Tate from pushing off Vikings defensive backs for a winning touchdown/interception. Actually, I'd like to see Tate fight it out with Harrison Smith -- a little Notre Dame on Notre Dame action! The Vikings kinda stunk last week against Tampa Bay, but they've had 10 days to recover from their nationally televised embarrassment (not that anyone actually watches the NFL Network, but I digress). Perhaps Christian Ponder might be well served to spend less time thinking about his sideline reporter girlfriend Samantha Steele and more time checking out the playbook. Then again, I can see why he's interested in Miss Steele. Doubt me?
|Far preferable to Sal Paolantonio|
Hmmm. I've never had to fit my pick next to a sideline reporter before. Well, I hope this works out. I think Seattle plays very good defense and Seattle is a tough place to win. I think the Vikes will do better this week, but it may not be good enough. Seattle 27, Vikings 24.
Arizona Cardinals (+11) vs. Glorious Green Bay Packers. For those of you that live in the Twin Cities metro market, you might not like Channel 9's decision to put a Premier League soccer game on instead of the Packers. Especially since the game involves hated Liverpool, the archrival of my beloved Everton side. So instead of seeing the artistry of Aaron Rodgers, you'll get to see the treachery of Luis Suarez, who dives more than Greg Louganis, although Louganis had an excuse because he was supposed to be diving, unlike the evil Suarez. But anyway, as for the game, the Packers have some injury problems remaining -- it looks like Jordy Nelson may not play again this week, which means maybe it's time to bring back Bill Schroeder or something. Or maybe they could borrow Jared Abbrederis from the Badgers, who has nothing going on this weekend. Anyway, the Packers are playing okay right now and they get their bye next week, which will allow them to get healthier and prepare them for the steady diet of Bears, Lions and Vikings that is to come. Packers 27, Cardinals 17.
What, no Tottenham? I am aghast! I think the Packers will play better this week. The Cardinals are pretty beat up and I understand they might be going with Neil Lomax as their quarterback this week. Packers win, ugly. Green Bay 24, Arizona 16.
Bear Down Chicago da Bearz (-3.5) vs. Tennessee Tuxedos. Yes, we're still picking the Bears games because Gino needs love. His Bears are playing the best defense since 2010. Do you remember 2010? Yes, we do here at Benster and D. We remember this play in particular:
I think that's payback for the Fridge. Da Bearz win this game, but it gets harder from here on out. Da Bearz 45, Tennessee 0.
Jay Cutler has a nice game this week. That's all I have to say about it. Bears 34, Titans 14.
That's all we have time for today. For the record, I am not dating Samantha Steele, but for any young ladies reading this feature, I am single and I will bring the HYYYYYPPPPPPPE! Ben out.