Thursday, December 20, 2007

Fearless Dilettante Football Predictions - Porn Star Mustache Edition

In our last edition, an anonymous poster helpfully pointed out that Bears quarterback Kyle Orton sports a porn star mustache. Now, Mr. Dilettante wouldn't know anything about that, of course, because good Catholic boys don't watch such things. And while it's possible that Kyle Orton may be trying to affect the look of an, ahem, adult entertainer, it's unlikely that he knows anything about what such individuals do, having attended Purdue, by far the most socially inhibited school in the Big 10. But if Orton sees the field on Sunday, he's quite likely to put on yet another obscene performance at Soldier Field. And that's why you're here, of course. On to the picks:

Green Bay Representatives of All That Is Good, Decent And Wholesome* 34, Team Harry Reems 16. A Packer-Bear game is always a morality play anyway and the Forces of Evil (EVIL!!! I SAID EVIL!!!!! GET THEE BEHIND ME, URLACHER!!!!) managed to steal a game up at Lambeau earlier this year. (Evil people steal, of course). And like all bad guys, da Bearz likely have something up their sleeve. The problem is that they can't score. Odd, isn't it, that people who look like porn stars can't score. But that's the fate of the Chicagoans, who are, as the great Chicago Tribune columnist Bob Verdi said, representatives of the "City of Big Shoulders and Narrow Trophy Cases." 14-2 is looking more likely by the moment for my beloved Packers.

ACTUAL RESULT: EVIL 35, GOODNESS 7. I could extend the metaphor of this particular posting in a number of ways, but in the interest of keeping this a family-friendly feature, let's just say that sometimes Evil triumphs. On the other hand, Evil will be sitting on its couch in two weeks and my beloved Packers will move on. Merry Christmas, Mr. Urlacher.

Washington Politically Incorrect Sources of Great Frustration to Native Americans Everywhere Who Are Not Currently Preoccupied By the University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux 24, Purple 21. This is the game that Tarvaris Jackson will need to win. The guess here is that he won't. The Redskins play pretty good defense and will probably keep Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor from running wild. If that happens, Viking fans had better hope that the defense can score a few times.

ACTUAL RESULT: REDSKINS 32, VIKINGS 21. Guess Tarvaris isn't ready. Not sure he ever will be. I think you could make an argument that the best quarterback in Minnesota is Adam Weber.

And since we have to keep our eyes on the scoreboard, and because it will likely annoy Dan S. greatly, I present a Bonus Pick:

Carolina NASCARs 24, Romo Arigato 21. T.O. has instructed Jessica Simpson to stay away this weekend. But what happens if Jessica Biel shows up? Or Jessica Alba? Or Jessica Rabbit, for that matter? Lots of ways to distract the dashing young Cowboys quarterback, I reckon. If I were Tony Romo, the person I'd watch out for this week is Julius Peppers.

ACTUAL RESULT: COWBOAHS 20, PANTHERS 13. Julius Peppers didn't even play and a bunch of fans with Jessica Simpson masks didn't fool fellow cheesehead Romo. Now if they had all been wearing masks depicting a bratwurst on a semmel roll, maybe that might have made a difference, but I suspect the folks in Charlotte don't know about such things. I must also say that I've been very grateful to have the services of Marion Barber III for my fantasy football team this year.

* No, we aren't going to talk about Mossy Cade, or James Lofton, or Mark Chmura, or .....


Dan S. said...

Yes, other Jessicas showing up could be bad for the Cowboys, but we may also need to worry about other Simpsons -- Ashlee, OJ, Homer (D'oh!), Ashford &, etc.

{Homer}Mmmmm.... Jessica Alba... {/Homer}

Uncle Ben said...

All three of those predictions warm my heart. I could comfort Dan who would be grieving, mock my brother (who is a Vikings fan) and celebrate my own team's victory all on the same day. Christmas indeed! If ever there was a week for you to get your predictions right, this is it! (I reserve the right to retract that statement as the playoffs progress)

Dan S. said...


Anonymous said...

Another way of putting it is that some days you're the lawn mower, and some days you're the lawn.

One sure would have thought that a Canadian Punter could handle bad weather.

For Bear fans, enjoy your Christmas present that came a couple of days early. It's all you get, and come January even that won't matter. Have fun trying to rebuild a winner with no quarterback, no offense, and all of those free agents....

Mark said...

Congrats, Dan. See you in Irving, I guess.

Good points all, anonymous. Despite what happened yesterday, I'd much rather be a Packers fan right now. Good thing I am!