What, you're bringing a portable television?
No, Geritol Fan. We're going to scenic St. Bonifacius, Minnesota, to watch your beloved Beloit Bucs play Clown College.
Oh, I'm sorry, I meant Crown College.
I heard about them:
Do you want to crown their asses?
No, I wanna row the boat. So we'll start there. Watch me work!
Georgia Southern Eagles (+16.5) vs. Minnesota Golden Elite Rowers of the Boat I think it's safe to say that the Gophers are lucky to be 2-0. They barely got by the Jackrabbits, and someone they pulled a Houdini act in Fresno. But give them their due, they won. Now, Georgia Southern comes calling. This game is a trap game and, quite honestly, one they should lose. Eagles 35, Gophers 14.
Thurston, you've been eating the brandied peaches without the peaches again, haven't you? Georgia Southern is the weakest opponent the Gophers have yet seen and the game is at home. I think the Gophers do much better than you think. Gophers 35, Eagles 14.
Beloit College Buccaneers (NL) vs. Crown College Storm This is going to be an interesting game. Both teams lost their opener, and neither were very good. Old dude's beloved Bucs have been, well, let's have Charles Barkley describe their performance:
But here's the thing. Crown College is also turrible. They were thrashed by perpetual MIAC footwipe St. Olaf last week, so they aren't exactly covering themselves in glory. In fact, I heard the MIAC wants to add Crown to replace St. Thomas, because that way everyone else gets a free W. Beloit 21, Crown 0.
Gee, I hope so. The Bucs have been a dumpster fire for a long time now and it's actually disheartening. Crown is a very small Christian school, with an enrollment of about 500. They may have to suit up some coeds to field a team. If my Bucs get beat tomorrow, they ought to fold it up and close Strong Stadium for good. Beloit 17, Crown 14.
Iowa Wesleyan Tigers (NL) vs. Knox College Prairie Fire Meanwhile, let's consider my alma mater, the beloved Prairie Fire. They are playing Iowa Wesleyan, which is also a very small college in Mount Pleasant, Iowa. It's usually not very pleasant in Mount Pleasant, especially on the football field. The Fire misfired last week against Eureka, but I have to believe that we can win at the storied Knosher Bowl. Alabama is too scared to come to the Knosher Bowl, by the way. Knox 10, Iowa Wesleyan 6.
You know what's a good thing for both Knox and Beloit? They still have Grinnell in the league. Knox should beat Iowa Wesleyan, though. Knox 24, Iowa Wesleyan 13.
Minnesota Vikings (+2.5) vs. Glorious Green Bay Packers So, let's get to some real football. Vikings fans were very happy last Sunday. Packers fans were happy a few days before that. Who will be happy this weekend? Well, this game could go either way. The Vikings will be better on offense than the Bears, who seem to share a playbook with Crown College. The Packers defense will provide more resistance than the Falcons defense, which seems to share a playbook with Iowa Wesleyan. I'm a delusional homer (you may have noticed) and that allows me to pick the Packers every time. This game won't be easy, but it is winnable. Packers 28, Vikings 24.
Hmm. I still need to see Aaron Rodgers be healthy. Until I do, the only thing that is healthy is my skepticism. I think the Vikings are the most talented team in the division overall, but the Packers are catching up. Have they closed the gap? Vikings 24, Packers 23.
Bear Down Chicago Da Bearz Still Suck (-2.5) vs. Denver Broncos So, da Bearz looked pretty poor against our glorious Packers last week. Were the Packers that good? Or is Mitchell Trubisky a steaming pile? All I know is Sid Luckman is not walking through that door. The Broncos also looked putrid last week against the dumpster fire Raiders, so that's good news for Bears fans. However, the game is in Denver, where the Broncos are a tough out. Weird things happen at that elevation. Bears 0, Broncos 0.
The Broncos are looking at quarterbacks again:
I bet he could throw that steak over the damned mountains. The Bears need this game. I think they get it. Bears 17, Broncos 10.
If that game ends in a scoreless tie, I am definitely buying Powerball next week. Ben out!