The Return of Guilty Pleasures -- Fearless Maria Brings the Ol' College Snark

Wait a minute -- look. Who is that sitting to my left?

Your worst nightmare. In color!

Fearless Maria is back in the saddle after a multiple year hiatus from our feature!

It's true. I was on sabbatical in Canada, and then Uganda, and after that I was held hostage for multiple years by the Irondale High School Music Department. But now I'm here. . . and I know you've missed me!

Your adoring public awaits. Well, at least Bubba and maybe Crankbait.

And Gino? Please, we all want Gino!

Gino too.

Well, I guess the lack of humor around here scared everyone else off. And probably the oversaturation of Benster HYYYYYPPPPE! There's only so much your readers can take, Dad!

Good point. So what have you been doing with your life? Besides that Uganda thing.

Well, it's true, I did a lot of music during my high school years, none of which I feel Guilty about, because it was always quite a Pleasure! Now I am going to college at Saint Louis University, moving my talents and reputation towards the Deep South (that's a joke, son), although you'd think it was the Deep South because on more than one occasion, I've been asked if I go up to Canada often because I live in Minnesota. Geography isn't for everybody, I guess.

That's true -- besides which, I'm pretty sure your snowshoes are in the shop.

Yep. Right next to the skis and the Polaris.

So, you remember how this works, right?

Vaguely. I seem to recall that we pick videos of bad 70s songs and then we critique the music and their pathetic fashion sense.

That's right. Shall we begin?

Yes, we've kept them waiting long enough. Sorry, Gino!

So, do you want to do the honors?

Since we've been gone, I think we can depart from any rules, because no one really remembers them anyway. So. . . a Guilty Pleasure from back in the day, since your audience is not likely to have heard anything recorded after about 2005. We'll start here:

That's right. A complete collection of every 80s video cliche known to man, with 80s hair and an astonishing amount of synth.

It's tough to top that one. It's a buffet line of stupidity!

I think what really draws your attention about this piece is how the spectacle of the scenery seems even more overbearing than Bonnie Tyler's screeching in the last two choruses. The song itself could probably have some potential if taken seriously. But having a bunch of teenaged boys parade around like demented Hogwarts students is something most people couldn't take seriously. It's almost like seeing roadkill on the side of the road -- you know it's really bad, but you can't look away.

It's something, all right. But since I want to keep this post PG-13, I won't go any further. Meanwhile, here's a 70s one-hit wonder featuring a dude playing Fearless Maria's favorite instrument:

I don't think the marimba player's outfit would have worked in the Irondale drumline, or even in this decade, but aside from his curious mallet choice (don't use xylophone mallets on a marimba, kids) he did a fine job. I didn't realize it was Phil Mickelson on vocals with the golfer's hat, either. Otherwise, a pretty straightforward song. Okay, so it's my turn. Let's try this one:

Wow. 80s overkill!

The hoop earrings were a nice touch. Meanwhile, you gotta love the complex thought that was put into the lyrics and the erudite rhyming pair of "go-go" and "yo-yo." The costume changes were about as smooth as they can be for the 80s, transforming from the baggy white shirts to the pre-Michael Jordan short shorts. And yeah, the back-up singers really had it going on, even though you'd have thought anyone singing "go-go" would wear go-go boots.

Did you say go-go boots?

You've been same-in, when you oughta be changin'.

You realize those aren't actually go-go boots, right Dad? But I'll say this -- pretty risque for 1966, but you have to love the confidence in the performers. 

A lot of these women are probably in their 70s now.

Yeah, they could do a comeback performance, but those little tennis balls on the walkers might get in the way. My turn again!

This video turned out to be an unintended (well, by us) showcase of 60s fashion. Some of these looks are really coming back. Not necessarily the buttoned overcoat, but the plaid skirt and knee-high boots could appear on a number of students at SLU. I'm not sure about Diana Ross's outfit, but the vocals are spectacular and it's a well-written song. 

One of their best performances, I'd say. One more:

Chaka Khan has better hoop earrings than George Michael. Overall, it seems like the group has a good energy and matches well, with the exception of the keyboard guy with the floral shirt and the pimp hat. The audience is groovin', but I suppose when in Rome (or Philadelphia), it's an occupational hazard. 

So, we're done here. Your choices are:

"Total Eclipse of the Heart," Bonnie Tyler
"Moonlight Feels Right," Starbuck
"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," Wham!
"These Boots Are Made for Walkin'," Nancy Sinatra
"You Keep Me Hanging On," Supremes
"You Got the Love," Rufus

Put your pick in the comment section, just like you always have. And I'm glad to be back. I have to go back to St. Louis next week, but we'll do a better job of keeping up with this feature. Or maybe the Kardashians. But who cares about them, right?

Indeed. Vote early, vote often!

The Return of Guilty Pleasures -- Fearless Maria Takes You Back to the Future

Well, lookee here! Who is that?

Hi! It's me! Fearless Maria! No, I have returned from the war! It was a long, long, war, fighting against the citizens of the far off galaxy known as Adolescence! Or maybe it was the Broken Arrow Marching Band!

I'm so glad to see you again, gracing this space, Miss Maria!

And I'm glad to be back. Things were getting a little too dry over here, anyway!

So, when we last did one of these, you were still in middle school. What's going on now?

Just like in the 17th Century in England, I had a Great Awakening! Looking back on these posts, I complained about homework then. So just imagine how it is for me now! That, the war, and my part-time shift at Darboy Fried Chicken, and I have no time! I'm trying to feed my kids! I need an increase in the minimum wage!

You're making some of that up, I think.

Just a few details. Or most of them! But I want to talk about music again!

Sounds good to me. What great, overarching theme have you selected for us today?

Well, as you all probably saw on social media yesterday, it was Back to the Future Day, the day that the characters supposedly arrived in the future! I'm still looking for my floating skateboard! And where's the DeLorean, Dad? You know I've got my permit!

Maybe we'll start with something with a little less horsepower than a DeLorean, Maria.

Fine, fine, fine. Lord knows, we need to get something kick started, because it's been at least two years since we've done one of these! So let's go Back to the Future! We'll set the Wayback Machine to 1955. What do you got, Daddy-O, from your freshman year?

I'm not that old.

So you say. Suuuurrrre.

Okay, let's consider this one, from a certain gentleman from Tennessee:

Well, I'm a little rusty in my critiques, but give me a moment to oil the machine that is my genius! And please, be sure to step away at least fifty feet and don't touch the other artifacts in the hall! And no flash photography!

Uh, Maria?

Yes, Dad?

If they step back fifty feet, how are they going to read the blog?

Laser vision! Try to keep up! At least try, Dad! Anyways, for the critique of the song -- you can tell just by the lamentation of the lyrics and the tastefully placed finger snaps, this was truly a keystone of the era! However, I do have to comment on the clarinet riffs. I have a number of friends that play clarinet and let me tell you, they don't owe their souls to the company store! They also play with better tone projection! But perhaps that's because ol' Tennessee Ernie was trying to be all egocentric and kept them behind the curtain! No respect for the musicians!

Well, he was the headliner.

Yeah, but if we're talking about headliners, do all those people do all that stuff? We see Obama in the headlines, but can he play a clarinet riff? I doubt it! And that smirky Joe Biden guy is no better, either. He probably chipped the reed on his giant teeth and now he can't be a model for Colgate any more!

Well, he'll need to figure out something, I guess. Needless to say, I love "Sixteen Tons," which is an eternal classic, but maybe it's due for a remake with an oboe.

We need to give the woodwinds the respect they deserve! What's next, Daddy-O?

Let's return to the infancy of rock and roll:

Wow, check out the plaid tuxedo! Bill Haley must have been foreshadowing the future wardrobe stylings of  the 1970s! Maybe he was even Herb Tarlek's dad!

My favorite part is the greasy cowlick hair.

Sadly, that's kinda coming back a little bit now, although any time I see one of the kids at my high school wearing that I'm afraid that President Obama is going to declare an environmental emergency and send FEMA out to clean it up!

That would explain the faint sound of sirens I seem to hear all the time.

We like to keep it fresh at Irondale. What a great honor it is to be able to witness the prenatal birth pangs of the rock and roll era!

Yep -- that's where it began. Now, let's move on the year of the original Back to the Future movie, 1985. The technology had started to change and we saw this groundbreaking video:

Wow, Dad! Did you hear that high note in the chorus? Did they cut out the scene in this video where they had an animated cattle prod?

Oh, I sincerely hope so, Maria.

In all honesty, I did think the animation was pretty cool. I would bet that was a lot of work back then. I also definitely approve of the message of falling in love with animated fictional characters. Let me tell you -- I've seen the field and these days, we're not exactly in the prime, so sometimes you gotta turn to the fantasy world.

So you're saying the pickings are a little slim at the ol' high school?

Well, I'd better consult my attorney before I answer any further questions on the matter, dear father.

Probably wise. Meanwhile, we heard this one in the movie:

The Power of Love seems to have short circuited on this one! It's an okay song, but I wouldn't say it was particularly Newsworthy!

Very nice. We interrupt this Guilty Pleasures for the following:

Hey, you laughed! Since when have you become such a critic, oh King Daddy of Punsterville? I have inherited much of my pun wisdom from you, but I really hope to overcome that. Anyway, are we ready to move on the future that is cleverly disguised as today?

Sure. But why don't you introduce these, since I've been a refugee from popular culture since the late 80s:

Sure thing. Try this:

This is "Shut Up and Dance" by Walk the Moon:

It's pretty peppy. Maybe even zippy!

You're supposed to be in the future! What's up with the Depression-era adjectives?

I don't know. I assume the DeLorean hit a pothole on the space-time continuum. Actually, it's quite pleasant the video is entertaining. And I didn't hear any AutoTune. Works for me!

All right, glad you liked that one. Next on DJ Fearless Radio, let's try this chart-topper by the alternative group Fall Out Boy -- this is "Uma Thurman":

Uma Thurman? That sounds like the Munsters! Thank you for clearing up a mystery I've had for weeks -- I've been hearing that Munsters riff around and had no idea why I was hearing it! I was afraid that we were in the middle of an endless Munsters reunion. As for the song itself, it's an interesting pastiche. And if you want to dance like Uma Thurman, you need to do this:

Well, even though the Uma Thurman song is popular with my generation, I'm not sure any of them would do the twist, even to an old Chuck Berry song. But that song brings us almost all the way back to 1955, so we've come full circle, folks! Let's pick your favorite Guilty Pleasure and put it in the comments section! Your choices are:

"Sixteen Tons," Tennessee Ernie Ford
"Rock Around the Clock," Bill Haley and His Comets
"Take On Me," A-Ha
"The Power of Love," Huey Lewis and the News
"Shut Up and Dance," Walk the Moon
"Uma Thurman," Fall Out Boy
"You Never Can Tell," Chuck Berry

I'm glad you're back, Fearless Maria.

I am, too. We need music around here! Now vote, people!