The Return of Guilty Pleasures -- Fearless Maria Brings the Ol' College Snark

Wait a minute -- look. Who is that sitting to my left?

Your worst nightmare. In color!

Fearless Maria is back in the saddle after a multiple year hiatus from our feature!

It's true. I was on sabbatical in Canada, and then Uganda, and after that I was held hostage for multiple years by the Irondale High School Music Department. But now I'm here. . . and I know you've missed me!

Your adoring public awaits. Well, at least Bubba and maybe Crankbait.

And Gino? Please, we all want Gino!

Gino too.

Well, I guess the lack of humor around here scared everyone else off. And probably the oversaturation of Benster HYYYYYPPPPE! There's only so much your readers can take, Dad!

Good point. So what have you been doing with your life? Besides that Uganda thing.

Well, it's true, I did a lot of music during my high school years, none of which I feel Guilty about, because it was always quite a Pleasure! Now I am going to college at Saint Louis University, moving my talents and reputation towards the Deep South (that's a joke, son), although you'd think it was the Deep South because on more than one occasion, I've been asked if I go up to Canada often because I live in Minnesota. Geography isn't for everybody, I guess.

That's true -- besides which, I'm pretty sure your snowshoes are in the shop.

Yep. Right next to the skis and the Polaris.

So, you remember how this works, right?

Vaguely. I seem to recall that we pick videos of bad 70s songs and then we critique the music and their pathetic fashion sense.

That's right. Shall we begin?

Yes, we've kept them waiting long enough. Sorry, Gino!

So, do you want to do the honors?

Since we've been gone, I think we can depart from any rules, because no one really remembers them anyway. So. . . a Guilty Pleasure from back in the day, since your audience is not likely to have heard anything recorded after about 2005. We'll start here:

That's right. A complete collection of every 80s video cliche known to man, with 80s hair and an astonishing amount of synth.

It's tough to top that one. It's a buffet line of stupidity!

I think what really draws your attention about this piece is how the spectacle of the scenery seems even more overbearing than Bonnie Tyler's screeching in the last two choruses. The song itself could probably have some potential if taken seriously. But having a bunch of teenaged boys parade around like demented Hogwarts students is something most people couldn't take seriously. It's almost like seeing roadkill on the side of the road -- you know it's really bad, but you can't look away.

It's something, all right. But since I want to keep this post PG-13, I won't go any further. Meanwhile, here's a 70s one-hit wonder featuring a dude playing Fearless Maria's favorite instrument:

I don't think the marimba player's outfit would have worked in the Irondale drumline, or even in this decade, but aside from his curious mallet choice (don't use xylophone mallets on a marimba, kids) he did a fine job. I didn't realize it was Phil Mickelson on vocals with the golfer's hat, either. Otherwise, a pretty straightforward song. Okay, so it's my turn. Let's try this one:

Wow. 80s overkill!

The hoop earrings were a nice touch. Meanwhile, you gotta love the complex thought that was put into the lyrics and the erudite rhyming pair of "go-go" and "yo-yo." The costume changes were about as smooth as they can be for the 80s, transforming from the baggy white shirts to the pre-Michael Jordan short shorts. And yeah, the back-up singers really had it going on, even though you'd have thought anyone singing "go-go" would wear go-go boots.

Did you say go-go boots?

You've been same-in, when you oughta be changin'.

You realize those aren't actually go-go boots, right Dad? But I'll say this -- pretty risque for 1966, but you have to love the confidence in the performers. 

A lot of these women are probably in their 70s now.

Yeah, they could do a comeback performance, but those little tennis balls on the walkers might get in the way. My turn again!

This video turned out to be an unintended (well, by us) showcase of 60s fashion. Some of these looks are really coming back. Not necessarily the buttoned overcoat, but the plaid skirt and knee-high boots could appear on a number of students at SLU. I'm not sure about Diana Ross's outfit, but the vocals are spectacular and it's a well-written song. 

One of their best performances, I'd say. One more:

Chaka Khan has better hoop earrings than George Michael. Overall, it seems like the group has a good energy and matches well, with the exception of the keyboard guy with the floral shirt and the pimp hat. The audience is groovin', but I suppose when in Rome (or Philadelphia), it's an occupational hazard. 

So, we're done here. Your choices are:

"Total Eclipse of the Heart," Bonnie Tyler
"Moonlight Feels Right," Starbuck
"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," Wham!
"These Boots Are Made for Walkin'," Nancy Sinatra
"You Keep Me Hanging On," Supremes
"You Got the Love," Rufus

Put your pick in the comment section, just like you always have. And I'm glad to be back. I have to go back to St. Louis next week, but we'll do a better job of keeping up with this feature. Or maybe the Kardashians. But who cares about them, right?

Indeed. Vote early, vote often!