Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Don't Worry, Nick Coleman -- I Have a Job For You

As the fun continues at the abattoir on Portland Avenue, it now appears that one of the latest victims is longtime Metro columnist Nick Coleman. Coleman's dyspeptic column has long been a rich source of material for the local blogosphere. I would guess that well over half the members of the Minnesota Organization of Bloggers (MOB) have fisked a Nick Coleman column at some time or another, although some of the more prominent ones have been trying to kick the habit lately.

Let's face it -- Coleman has been very good to Minnesota conservatives. He's one of the most reliable suppliers of straw men in this market. He's never hestitated to make a cheap political point at the expense of conservatives or conservative values, whether the topic was his crusade against Frau Molnau and the evil forces of MnDOT, or pre-emptive trashing of Archbishop Nienstedt. He is the very model of the modern major metro liberal and his familial ties (brother of the St. Paul mayor, namesake son of a longtime state legislative force) have given him a kick-butt street cred in the skewed version of Minnesota political royalty, which operates in ways that are similar to the ward-based dynasties of Chicago, except that famous sons in Minnesota sometimes lose elections.

Really, it would be a shame for ol' Nick to be sidelined now. His value as a conservative piƱata is unparalleled. The dude needs a perch, and sharing a cube with Eric Black over at MinnPost hardly seems like the right way to go. Since fortune favors the bold, here goes.

Nick, you can work for me. And you can start tomorrow.

So what are the advantages of moving your operations to Mr. Dilettante? Oh, there are so many.

  • Prestige galore. The Mr. Dilettante brand is known throughout the blogosphere for a devotion to discussions of politics, music and the arts and there's reason to believe that at least a few dozen other bloggers have read Mr. Dilettante in the past. And as a contributor to True North and Truth vs. the Machine, you'll have the opportunity to leverage your readership into triple digits, easy. Based on the current circulation numbers at your soon to be former employer, you'd have to be thrilled with that. I've actually met Gary Miller and Andy Aplikowski and would be happy to put in a good word for you.

  • Complete freedom. No nervous bean counters or supercilious metro editors here, telling you what to say or suggesting that you tone it down a bit. In fact, I'd be highly supportive of letting you say whatever you'd like, Nick -- may I call you Nick? The more outrageous, the better. And I'm reasonably certain that you'd see a lot of links from other bloggers, who are always eager to offer their trenchant analysis of your work. Conservatives are very supportive and nurturing that way.

  • A commitment to lifelong learning. At Mr. Dilettante, we've been able to triple the usual readership of this feature from time to time by picking the right people to insult. You've never been especially hesitant to criticize someone, so you have a leg up on other potential candidates for this opportunity. I've noticed that you have not been in the habit of criticizing Jim Oberstar much, but I'd be happy to teach you. I'd even be willing to share my secret methods for getting web hits by mentioning more arcane targets. For just one example, you'd be amazed how many hits you can get by mildly criticizing Eric Carmen's solo career.

  • A very steady, devoted readership. No reason to worry about declining readership here -- this blog almost always gets double digit hits every day. Click on the Sitemeter and see for yourself.

  • A generous compensation package. I'll be willing to split the proceeds I make from publishing this blog with you 50/50. Try and get an offer that generous from anyone else. Just try.

Nick, I think this is a wonderful opportunity for you. It would be a shame to see your voice be stilled just because the economy has hit a rough patch. What would the Archbishop do without having you around to correct him on doctrine? How would the structural engineers and infrastructure experts cope without having you around to contradict them? Dammit, you're needed. Don't just take the abuse from those mouth-breathers at Avista -- seize the moment. Carpe diem, baybee!

What have you got to lose? Pick up the phone, Nick. Give Mr. D a call.

Cross-posted at True North


Chuckwagon Boy said...

Priceless, Mr. D, utterly priceless!

Nick Coleman said...

Only 50/50???

Don't you know who I am?? I know stuff and I'm nobody's monkey!!

Mark Heuring said...

Okay Nick. No problem. For you, I'll give you 51%. But I remain managing partner.