Friday, December 26, 2008

Fearless Dilettante Football Predictions -- Lovely Appleton Edition

Reporting live from scenic Appleton, it's time to pick some games. We would have put something up sooner, but it was buried under all the snow that's fallen here. All picks will be filled with obscure Appleton references, of course. Most people won't get these references, but trust us, they're hilarious. No, really! Better yet, this edition is Stinger Approved!

Wisconsin Badgers 31, Florida State Seminoles 27. This is the matchup in the Pond's Sport Shop Bowl. The Badgers have never played the Seminoles before and it's not clear that either of these teams is exactly representative of what their respective programs should be like. At one time the Seminoles were feared, but not so much anymore. The boys at the Anderson's Resale like the Badgers, though, so let's go with them.
ACTUAL RESULT: FSU 42, BAD-GERS 13. Turns out you shouldn't listen to the boys at Anderson's Resale. Do you sense the natives are getting a little restless at the recent performances of Brett Bielema's boys? I've recently been reading a biography of Bear Bryant and ol' Bear liked to party like Brett apparently does. The difference is that Bear took care of the business end first.

Rock Chalk Jayhawk 37, Minnesota Golden Gaffers 27. The Gophers are playing in the tradition-laden Tippy's Taco House Bowl. The last time the Gophs appeared on this stage, Glen Mason got fired. Tim Brewster probably won't be fired after this game, but one may never know. Kansas is not a traditional football power, but they play in a better league and should win. And remember, Smile with Smith!

Green Bay Packers 49, Detroit Lions 7. The Packers have been snake-bit this season. The Lions have been snake-bit for 50 years. Of all the things that are sad about the Lions this season, perhaps the saddest is watching the once-proud Daunte Culpepper getting his rather ample butt kicked. He has the mobility of the statue in Soldiers Square.
ACTUAL RESULT: PACKERS 31, LIONS 21. The Pack does enough to put the final donut on the Lions. And now I make another prediction: the Lions, having hit absolute, 100% rock bottom on the frozen turf of Lambeau, now begin to rise. If (a big if) the Lions hire a first-class football man to run their operation, they go to the Super Bowl within 5 years time. Let's be honest, NFC North fans -- is there another team in the division that you see that will be an insurmountable force any time soon?

New York Football Giants 24, Purple Guy 21. The Vikings need this game more than the G-Men do. The Vikings always lose games like that. Ask this guy, who will be coming to Appleton after the season is over to enjoy a tasty patty melt at Damrow's Restaurant, followed by drowning his sorrows with a pitcher of Schlitz at Kaiser Bill's.
ACTUAL RESULT: VIKINGS 20, GIANTS 19. Better to win it outright than to back in. It looks like their reward is a visit from the red-hot Eagles, currently laying waste to the Cowboys as I write this.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am not sure that you are giving the Vikings their due. After all, you know why the Vikings are purple, don't you?






















You'd be purple too if you were choking for 40 years.

Your cousin Dan who appreciated most of the Appleton references but who does not consider himself a native after only 14 years.

kingdavid said...

I'm with you on the Viking pick; but, you should have included your pick on the Bears/Texans game as well.

Will the Vi-queens be back-dooring it in like many times in the past? I'd love to see them both lose, then have the Vikings decline to participate in the playoffs because any team that can't step up and win one of your two final regular season games to make it in on their own merit doesn't deserve to be there.

Gino said...

i'm giving the bears 50-50.

'member... the giants have nothing to play for. the vikings just may pull this off.

Brad Carlson said...

Wow, the '03 Vikings-Cards season finale!! That one still stings.

I figured the Bears would lose at Houston but I was on the fence about whether or not the Vikes had enough to beat the Giants. I'm glad they won though because 10-6 seems ten times better than 9-7!!

Anonymous said...

Did you really pick Wisconsin over Florida State?

Mark Heuring said...

Yes, I did pick Wisconsin. It's my blog and I'm proud to be a shameless homer. With Paul Allen living in Minnesota, I'll never be the biggest homer around, though, no matter how outrageous my picks are, right?

kingdavid said...

The cure for global warming: the Vikings pull through with a big win; hell, and earth, is freezing over.