Sunday, June 06, 2010

Iowahawk is a Genius, Volume XXXVIII

Or something like that. He tells the terrifying tale of Crudezilla here. And you'd better read it. Savor the opening, in which he works in Isaac Hayes and the Ballad of Jed Clampett into a Godzilla movie script in less than 200 words:

NARRATOR: This is the sea. Beneath its depths lies a fantastic secret world hidden to mankind for millions of centuries. And now, armed with the latest technology and rush drilling permits, mankind is about to awaken that world from its long slumber -- and unleash its oily fury.

WORKER #1 (saluting, bowing, throwing fist in air): Most honored supervisor! Reporting drilling shaft ready. For the glory of Nippon Petroleum!

WORKER #2: Sir! Truly this shaft is one bad mother...

SUPERVISOR: Shut your mouth!

WORKER #2 (bowing profusely): But honorable supervisor! I speak only of shaft!

SUPERVISOR: You men have performed honorably. Tonight there will be extra rations of sake and blowfish! And now as we lower the shaft, let us gather to sing the anthem of Nippon Petroleum Heavy Industries.

WORKERS (singing): Nippon Petroleum, pride of Japanese nation
Forever we shall strive for greater lubrication.
With stalwart hearts we drill for shareholder good
'Til up from the depths comes the bubbling crude.
Black gold, Texas tea!

As the worker continue to sing, the spinning diamond-tipped shaft burrows ever lower into the watery depths. When it hits the ocean floor, a mysterious black oily flume is unleashed. Under the intense subsurface pressure the flume begins to coagulate into a hideous 500-foot tall monster -- Crudezilla has been awoken.

And he's just getting started. Read the whole thing.

1 comment:

Rick Moses said...

Liked the part about Professor Obamawasa taking a blow torch to 10,000 Yen -- to create jobs for the Janitor Union who must clean up the ash. Priceless.