Thursday, August 19, 2010

Guilty Pleasures Part Seventy-One -- Fearless Maria Throws Her Hat Into the Ring

As you may know, Fearless Maria is a candidate for the Mayor of the MOB race. Fearless Maria is here tonight and she would like to make the following statement:

Excuse me, Mr. Dilettante -- this is the Blogger Police. You have been notified for a suspension for a false title: the girl known as Fearless Maria did not throw her hat into the ring. Reason A: you nominated her. Reason B: her hats are very important to her and therefore she never throws them into any sort of ring. Rather, she places all her hats neatly on a hook when not in use. Finally, Reason C, which is not exactly a reason: please don't get mad at this anonymous voice that you are hearing that is coming down from the heavens and start sliding out of an emergency exit of a plane like that JetBlue dude did, because then you will face a $500 fine for not setting a good example for the youth of America and will have to take remedial lessons from Gino, who runs the fine blog Shreds and never, ever sets a bad example.

Excuse me. Ma'am?


What did you do with my daughter?

She went out for coffee with Miley Cyrus, I think. Nice try, dude!

I think I know what's going on here -- you don't want to run for Mayor of the MOB, Maria?

I do, but I don't want any false titles on blogs and I intend to be a law and order candidate. So the best place to start is by laying the law down right here. And in music!

So Maria, what are your qualifications for the office?

Well, I have served two terms in the student council at Valentine Hills Elementary School, and I always get really good grades in spelling, unlike a former mayor we could identify, but won't. And I am returning as a safety patrol this year at Valentine Hills and will keep those kindergarteners in line on the bus. And I was also Star of the Week at Salem Pre-School!

Uh, Maria?

Yes, Dad?

Doesn't everyone get to be Star of the Week at Salem Pre-School?

Well, yeah, but some of those kids were more like polygons than stars, but we'll let that be. And a star is a polygon, of course.

Of course. But you were talking about music, right?

That's right, Dad. Every campaign needs a theme song and I don't think I should use "Smokin' In the Boys Room," because that would be a bad influence on the youth of America and I don't want to disappoint Gino. So do you have any suggestions, Dad?

Well, you could try this one, performed by Roger McGuinn of the Byrds:

Yes! Finally someone knows why it's important to have a force field, even in the olden days! If I get to be the Mayor of the MOB, do I get a force field, Dad?

I'll have to check the compensation package, Maria.

Compensation? Do you mean I'll get paid?

No, I don't think so. But I'll give you a few bucks if you clean your room.

Hey! My room is already clean! Except for that, uh, corner, that's about as big as I am. And trust me, I'm only about 4-7 right now.

Even at that height, I suspect you'll tower over a number of the other candidates, Maria. Anyway, what do you feel are the issues of the campaign?

Well, I heard that people are talking about raising taxes, maybe even to blog! It's an outrage, I tell you! Listen to the voice of reason, shouting somewhere in the Midwest, but you should be able to hear me because my neighbors can! And the Beatles made a cartoon about it!

Robin Hood? He never happened! Dad, that's pretty funny, but I don't think the Mayor of the MOB gets to impose taxes on anyone. And if the mayor does, when I'm Mayor I won't.

That's a stirring promise, Maria! But how do we know you're not just another one of those politicians who makes promises she doesn't intend to keep?

Well, Dad -- why would I make people pay taxes? Then I'd have to pay taxes and I don't have much money left after vacation!

So what are the other issues, Maria?

Well, if you've ever seen Benster in action, I think we need to be concerned about this:

Actually, I take that back, Dad. Benster dances a lot better than the people in that video! If that video was any more random, it would be just as random as if Sesame Street, Tom Petty, Tom Cruise and Mitch Berg were all on the radio at the same time, maybe on WKRP in Cincinnati!

Well, I'm sure Mitch will appreciate the plug of his show, Maria. But aren't you planning to be a crusading politician, Maria? Don't you have a transformative agenda of Hope and Change!

Dad, you told me that the Mayor of the MOB doesn't have to do anything at all! Besides,

But you know what, Dad? I wouldn't change the world too much or else everything would be all messed up. I think sometimes the real politicians forget that!

That's right, Maria. And when they promise that stuff, you know what happens?

Speaking of Mitch, doesn't he use that song as the intro to his radio show? You know, the one you make me listen to when we're driving around on Saturday afternoon?

Well, we like Mitch and he's running the election, so maybe you might consider being a little nicer to him about that....

Good point, Dad! I think Mitch's show is the best thing on the radio. At least when there isn't a Miley Cyrus song on or something, or maybe a Twins game. Sorry, Dad -- I'm trying not to be biased but I don't want to lie, either. And it's true -- you do make Benster and I listen to Mitch when you're out driving around on Saturday.

Well, we'll call that part of your education, Maria.

Okay -- maybe Mitch can work on getting a few Miley Cyrus references into his show next time, just for something different. Or maybe Ed Morrissey can do that!

I heard Ed is a big Miley Cyrus fan, Maria. Huge, even. We'll talk to him about it.

Great -- now let's talk about voting! You have two jobs. First, you should vote for your favorite song in the comments section of this post. Then, make sure you vote for me, Fearless Maria, in the MOB Mayor's election! Why? Because I'm fearless, of course. And how many 10-year old girls make jokes about Ed Morrissey?

Not nearly enough, Maria. Not nearly enough.


Gino said...

i'm thinking 'megalomaniac' just may be the perfect theme song for maria's campaign.
but thats ok, because she's entitled because i said so.

i want to add anarchy in the UK to the list though.

Night Writer said...

What, no "Everybody Wants to Rule the World"?

And at 4' 7", Fearless Maria does tower over Baby Moose, who just might top 2' 0" - if we could get him to stand up, or to make up his mind about whether or not to enter the race.

W.B. Picklesworth said...

"Won't Get Fooled Again" gets my vote.

As for mayoral politics, I'm keeping my powder dry.