So, it's time for the playoffs. Playoffs? You kiddin' me?
No, we're not kidding, Seabiscuit.
I'm aware of that, old dude. You're supposed to be playing along with the schtick here. Can't you get with the program? Or are you too busy being distracted by Golden Girls reruns to keep your focus? As former Twins great Juan Rincon once said, no one wants to be in your pants right now.
I have no idea what you're talking about, grasshopper. Of course, that must mean you're ready to make your picks, right?
That's right. Watch me work!
New Orleans Saints (-10 1/2) vs. Seattle Seabags. Jim Mora would like to know how Seattle is even in the playoffs. And he's not too crazy about them firing his son, either. But we'll leave that aside. Actually, I have the same question that Jim Mora has: how the heck does a 7-9 team even get into the playoffs. And then get to host a game? This is really quite silly. But the good news is that Seattle won't be staying long. Who Dat 100, Jim Mora Jr. 0.
You know, that usually outrageous pick might be close. I think the Saints will win, but I think it will be tougher than you might imagine. Two reasons -- the Saints have been very inconsistent this year, and Seattle has one of the best home field advantages in the NFL. The fans there are LOUD. The Saints will survive, but they'll have to earn it. Saints 24, Seahawks 16.
New York J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS (+2 1/2) vs. Indianapolis Mannings. Speaking of loud, it's time for another dose of Rex Ryan, the NFL's answer to Mike Gundy, with a little dose of Al Bundy, too. He's returning to Indianapolis where he gets to face the Colts yet again. However, Rex is 0-6 when Peyton Manning starts and finishes a game. And Peyton Manning pretty much always starts and finishes games. Say goodnight, Rexy! Indy 31, Gang Green 20.
I agree with that assessment, young fella. Another comparison would be Rex Ryan and, say, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, who used to bray a lot, too. The Jets have been inconsistent on the field. Manning knows how to beat them. And he will. Colts 34, Jets 20.
Baltimore Ravens (-3) vs. Kansas City Chiefs. We return to Kansas City, home of our favorite crusty sportscaster, Jack Harry. Since we're offering a lot of epic rants, click on that link and check out Jack, who has hair that you could use to strip paint. And the best part is how he gives a shout-out to Neil Diamond at the end. What the heck? Jack often would ask, "what's wrong with the Chiefs?" Until this year, the answer was, "well, they stink, Jack." But they are getting better, which should help Jack with his Metamucil bill. But he's not going to like what happens at Arrowhead on Sunday. Joe Flacco and Ray Rice, who killed me in fantasy football this year, are going to make Jack plenty cranky. And he can't rely on much comfort from his frightening weather forecaster pal. But that's another story. Ravens 45, Jack Harry 17.
Oh, we saw some strange stuff in Kansas City when we were there a few years ago. I'd also strongly recommend that you forego Jack Harry and check out Jack Stack instead. Maybe the Ravens can enjoy some tasty barbecue after they dispense with the Chiefs, who are a year away. Ravens 27, Chiefs 20.
Glorious Green Bay Packers (+2 1/2) vs. Philadelphia Fugitives from the Humane Society. Yes, it comes time to discuss our beloved Packers, who are in the playoffs despite having about 475 players on the injured reserve list. You know you're in trouble when you have to play guys off the street to win. But somehow the Packers have done that, especially on defense, where they found a guy named Erik Walden, who sounds like he should be running a bookstore or something, who managed to sack Jay Cutler 3 times last week. Speaking of sacking, Michael Vick, the dogfighting QB, will be in a dogfight for real this week. If you can hit Vick early and knock him around a bit, he'll lose effectiveness. The Packers have Clay Matthews, otherwise known as the Claymaker, who I'd definitely want to have on my side in a fight. Also, the Packers contributed to the genesis of Vick by knocking out Kevin Kolb in the first game of the season. You might have noticed who won that one. Trend? Roll Out the Barrel 50, Humane Society 43.
I worry about one guy more than anyone else on the Eagles -- DeSean Jackson, who can score from anywhere on the field. In last week's game against the Bears, Packer punter Tim Mashtay was really good at keeping the ball away from Devin Hester. If he can do that on Sunday, I think the Packers will have a good chance to win. This is actually a pretty good matchup for our boys, but special teams could swing it. Packers 27, Eagles 17.
We'll be back to pick the National Championship college game later on. I have to get my rant on for Cam Newton and I've been busy studying the techniques of the masters like Jack Harry and Jim Mora to build up the steam to really let it loose. Feel the HYYYPPPPEEE! Ben out!