Friday, January 14, 2011

Benster and D Pick Your Games -- NFL Divisional Round, Y'all

Somehow a 7-9 team beat the defending champions last week. I'm not guessing that Cam "Scam" Newton is going to be wearing the blue of the Seabags next year. But the Seabags have other problems right now. Gino told me that his Bears are gonna win and run the ball down Seattle's throat. Do you believe that, Decrepit?


I also want to give a shout-out to Fearless Maria, who has returned to the Neighborhood after a weeklong field trip to the middle of nowhere. You know what's funny about that website? They have a picture of a beautiful lake. Not that Fearless Maria saw it as an opportunity to canoe, because it looked like this. Tomorrow also happens to be Fearless Maria's birthday, so she deserves mad props for her total Maria skillz.

That was very nice of you, Benster. Wait, are you sure that's you?

Yes, it's the kinder, gentler Benster. Not really. Watch me work!

Baltimore Edgar Allan Poes (+3 1/2) vs. Pittsburgh Stillers. It's gonna be a war in the trenches in Pittsburgh this week. We actually sent a camera crew to Pittsburgh for a view of the field and it's pretty impressive. Old dude, why didn't you tell me there were so many French dudes in Pittsburgh? That was really surprising. Anyway, back to the game. Baltimore is deadly when playing on the road this time of year and they aren't afraid of the Steelers. However, the Steelers have Ben Roethlisberger, who has recovered nicely from his suspension for being a complete idiot when it comes to the ladies. Stillers 13, Poe 10.

It's too bad that John Facenda isn't around any more, because he'd have been perfect for narrating this one. I'm feeling like this one will be close. And because I'll have to disagree with you eventually on a game, it might as well be this one. Ravens 16, Steelers 14.

Glorious Green Bay Packers (+2 1/2) vs. Hotlanta Dirty Birds. Okay Gino, now it's time for me to break out my mad analytical skills. The Packers actually came pretty close to winning in Atlanta last time. In fact, they should have won, but they didn't have a ground game and it cost them on the goal line. So Gino, did you see the game in Philadelphia last week? Did ya? There was a young fella wearing #44 for the Packers. His name is James Starks. And he treated the Eagles like a rented mule. Also, Atlanta hasn't played in a while and the myth of the Falcons winning at home has been destroyed, because the Falcons lost to a team (the Saints) that got (a) screwed by the NFL and (b) smoked in Seattle. I'm going to steal some headgear from Lee Corso and put on the Cheesehead. Bang on the Drum All Day 24, Dead Bird 21.

I don't know if you've noticed, but birds have been dropping from the sky all over the world in the last few weeks. Coincidence? I think not. There were a bunch of Eagles that fell to the turf of Lincoln Financial Field last week. Could we have a similar scene in Atlanta this week? Maybe. If Benster is right and Starks plays well, the Packers will be balanced and will be in good shape. If not, they might want to consider this guy, patiently waiting by his phone. The one thing that makes me nervous is that the line in Vegas has tilted upward to the Falcons since it opened on Monday. The boys in Vegas might know something I don't. Call this a shameless homer pick: Packers 31, Falcons 20.

Seattle Seabags (+10) vs. Bear Down Chicago da Bearz. So apparently Seattle had the gall to prove me wrong last week and actually win the game. What's up with that? You don't tick off the Benster, m'kay? Now I shall suggest that da Bearz are in possession of the Hammer of the Gods. The Seabags come to the land of the ice and snow, get their butts kicked and back to Seattle they go. Also, try the veal. Dit-ka Dit-ka 100, Seabags 0.

I'm not sure Jay Cutler can score 100 points in five games, let alone one. But I agree, there's no reason to believe the Seahawks will be able to duplicate the parlor trick they played at Soldier Field earlier in the year. The difference this time is Lance Briggs is in the house. And believe me, he's tried the veal. Bears 31, Seattle 14.

New York J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS (+8 1/2) vs. New England Belichicks. When last we saw these two teams on the same field, the Jets were getting beat. I heard they didn't try the veal. But the real reason they lost is that Tom Brady destroyed them. It was OOOG-LY. The Jets have been talking a lot this week. Now, that's nothing new for the Jets, but the problem is this: as my coaches have always told me, you shouldn't be talking unless you can back it up. I think the Jets will be backing it up, if by "it" you mean the moving van because they're headed home for the season. Pats 34, Jets 0.

Nothing, huh? A ringing endorsement of Mark Sanchez! I suspect the Jets will score a time or two. But you really shouldn't try to play mind games with the smartest guy in the NFL. Belichick will just flash that wry smile of his and twist the knife a few times more. Patriots 42, Jets 17.

We're done with our games. And now, my overdue rant about the BCS and Scam Newton. I was happy to see that Newton will be headed to the NFL, because now he can receive his paychecks over the table. In a few years we'll find out that he was paid handsomely for this year's labors and they'll have to vacate the Heisman and the National Championship. You know what? That's a good thing. This BCS thing is corrupt, corrupt, corrupt! Oh, did I mention that it was corrupt? What game knocked out TCU? They went undefeated and they didn't have to give their quarterback a Brinks truck to do it. Maybe the spectacle of watching the results of the entire 2010 season turn out to be a stinking lie will be enough for the NCAA to man up and get a playoff system going. And, while they're at it, maybe they ought to figure out a way to actually pay the players a modest amount, over the table, so we don't have to watch a lie in the coming years. Or, they could just keep doing what they're doing and make fools of themselves again. And again. And again. Ben out!


Gino said...

benster: wit is entertaining, but if you cant pick em...

looks like you took the wise route and just agreed with all my picks this week. no fair looking at somebody elses paper. thats cheating.
but i'd prefer to think that its just two great minds that think alike.

(and i really hope i'm wrong on the GB pick.)

Brad Carlson said...

Benster would have been better served to use his hyperbolic pick on the Packers.