Friday, January 21, 2011

Benster and D Pick Your Games -- Conference Championship Weekend, Baby!

It's time for two teams to enter the house that Jerry Jones built and see their pretty faces on the giant television screen. That's right -- winners go to the Super Bowl! That's what I said. Deal with it.

I'll try, Benster. I'll try.

So, old dude, you realize that our beloved Packers are in the game, right? Did you get a telegram about it? Or maybe the Pony Express sent word?

I got the horse right here, pal.

I don't even know what that means, but then again most people find your rapidly aging rants pretty hard to comprehend. We'd better pick these games before your Metamucil kicks in. Watch me work!

New York J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS (+3 1/2) vs. Pittsburgh Stillers. Notice my method here, building up the drama by going to the other game first. It's an old technique. But for a master like the Benster, I know when to pull it out. Now, on to the game. Somehow both teams won games they had no right to win last week. The Steelers came back from a big early deficit and stared down the nasty birds from Baltimore, while the Jets were able to return to a stadium where they got beat by 42 freaking points the last time and win this time. I would not be surprised if the Jets find that the Steelers are better than the Patriots. Yes, you read correctly. Even though my man Benjarvus Green-Ellis, a/k/a "The Firm," has a much cooler name than Rashard Mendenhall, which sounds like a bad college dormitory connected to Pearsons Hall at Beloit (don't worry, it's an inside joke and it's hilarious), Mendenhall and his Steeler buddies are making money while the Patriots are folding Bill Belichick's sweatshirts and placing them neatly on the shelf. So, who wins the game? Stillers 31, Jets 7.

So we're back to the assumption that Revis Island is actually Gilligan's Island, then? Maybe. The Jets are a strange operation -- there's no reason that they should win and Rex Ryan is still the most cartoonish coach the NFL has seen since the glory days of Wayne Fontes, but somehow he's managed to push all the right buttons and he beat the evil genius Belichick last week. Mike Tomlin and the Steelers are a different matter. But since I have to disagree with you on a game, let's play a hunch and say that the all-green Super Bowl is coming to Big D. Appropos of nothing, I say: Jets 23, Steelers 16.

Glorious Green Bay Packers (-3 1/2) vs. Bear Down Chicaco da Bearz. No, I didn't make a typo. The Green Bay Press Gazette has officially changed the name of that silly city about 185 miles south of Green Bay. But now that I think about it, maybe the Press Gazette did make a typo. Shouldn't the name of the city be Chi-caca? I know lots of Bears fans who are filled with caca, so it only seems right, right? Anyway, Aaron Rodgers is so hot that Kari is running away. Our man torched Atlanta worse than General Sherman last week and I would expect that Chicago, or whatever you call it, is quite familiar with fire. I think they're going to try to keep the ball away from Rodgers, lest he treat the Bears secondary the way Mrs. O'Leary's cow treated that lantern back in 1871. I have also have a radical idea concerning how the Packers can deal with Devin Hester. I would at least try to gain a couple of first downs to keep him off the field. The Packers never punted last week. That seems like a fine idea this week, too. Unfortunately, I was too young to care the last time the Packers were in the Super Bowl. Instead, I climbed up on the old dude's lap with about 2 minutes to go in the game and demanded that he read me the masterwork "Griffin's Busy Day." Nowadays I prefer books like this. And the Bears are going to find out how much of a war they are in. Pack 27, da Bearz 24.

It's going to be tough, I think. But here's the key. If the Packers take an early lead and force Jay Cutler to beat them, he won't be able to do it. I could slice and dice the analysis of this game a million different ways, but it comes down to this. The Packers have a far superior offense. The Bears have far superior special teams. The defenses are about even. Can Aaron Rodgers outscore Devin Hester? I think so. The other guy I'm watching on the Chicago side is Matt Forte. If he isn't effective, the Bears are doomed. If he is, game on. Packers 31, Bears 17.

Depending on what happens Sunday, either Gino will be wearing Green and Gold or the old dude will be sporting Blue and Orange. Gino, I hope you like Green! Ben out!


Gino said...

"Depending on what happens Sunday, either Gino will be wearing Green and Gold or the old dude will be sporting Blue and Orange."

i notice how Ben has left himself out of it...

Mr. D said...

I'll bet you noticed, Gino. But this omission won't matter after the game is over.