You know it's that time of year when a young man's attention turns to the important things in life. Like, consumer electronics, girls and HYYYYYYYPPPPPPPE!
But not necessarily in that order, right?
Well, I put them in whatever order I see fit, Decrepit. But for now, since we are sitting in front of this computer, why don't we pick some football games? You can handle that, right?
I'll try.
Okay then. Watch me work!
Louisville Cardinals (+1 1/2) vs. North Carolina State Wolfpack in the Belk Bowl, in Charlotte, NC. Yes, kids, it's time to pick the Belk Bowl! Now, I know you have a number of questions concerning this event. For one, what the heck is a Belk? Well, our crack research team has determined that Belk is a chain of department stores located in the South, somewhat like Herberger's or maybe Fleet Farm but without horse trailering supplies. Then again, it is the South, so we can't rule out that they might have a bridle section in lieu of a bridal section. But then again, I'm sure you have another question -- who really cares? Well, certainly the good people of Charlotte must care a little bit about their Belk Bowl, considering that the Wolfpack is playing in the game. As a Badger fan, I am grateful to the Wolfpack for their dunderheaded decision to let Russell Wilson transfer. We really appreciate your stupidity, Wolfpack! Thanks, guys! But the question remains: who will win the game? Russell Wilson Alumni Association 21, Louisville 14.
Well, think about this from Russell Wilson's perspective, young fella. He had a chance to play in the Belk Bowl, but instead he's playing in the Rose Bowl. Of course, had Wilson stayed, perhaps the Wolfpack might have been able to play in the prestigious BBVA Compass Bowl instead. So in any event, it's all Belk, all the time for the Wolfpack. I'll pick Louisville for no good reason, which is about as much thought as the Belk Bowl requires. Louisville 27, NC State 21.
Minnesota Ponders (+6 1/2) vs. Washington Politically Incorrect Burgundy-Clad Football Squad. And you wonder why Redskins fans pay $40 for parking -- who wouldn't for the chance to see daring quarterback Rex Grossman at the helm? Well, I've seen Rex and as a Packer fan I was always deeply grateful for his ineptitude, rivaling that of fellow failed NFC North quarterback and contemporary Joey Harrington, who I believe is now a lounge act in a bar in Eugene. I think the Vikings should try and get Luck-y, if you know what I mean. Now that the Colts are winning some games, we could see a scenario in which Andrew Luck takes his talents to Winter Park. Or maybe Los Angeles, considering what's going on in the Legislature these days. Skins 42, Vikes 17.
Wow, there's a lot of textual density in that paragraph, Seabiscuit! Since I've never been that good at semiotics, I simply remind you that (a) Rex Grossman is a marginal quarterback and (b) the Vikings are probably due to win a game at some point. No luck for you, Vikings. Vikings 21, Redskins 16.
San Diego Chargers (+2 1/2) vs. Detroit Motor City Kitties. You can set your watch by it -- the Chargers are on one of their patented late-season rallies, which gets them a 5 or 6 seed in the playoffs and an early departure. It's always a stirring thing to watch, as Phillip Rivers throws beautiful spirals and Norv Turner stares blankly. It's not gonna happen this year, though. The Lions also have a shot at the playoffs and even though I hate to say this, I think they will get there this time. Hope they enjoy another trip to New Orleans and maybe your friend and mine, Hong Kong Dirty, can rough up Drew Brees enough that he won't be a factor later on. Lions 35, Bolts 31.
I think you're right -- it's going to be a wild one tomorrow in Detroit. And what could be more fun than spending Christmas Eve in Detroit, by the way? But I digress. Matthew Stafford is the key here -- if he gets hot, watch out. Lions 38, San Diego 27.
Bear Down Chicago da Bearz (+13) vs. Glorious Green Bay Packers. I'm not sure da Bearz have ever been a 13-point underdog against the Packers. I'm also not sure that they should be in this game, either. A lot of people have been saying that the Packers are in trouble, but they've got it easy compared to a team that doesn't have its two biggest playmakers available. I think da Bearz will still fight it out, because that's what da Bearz always do. But I'm wondering if Josh McCown and Kahlil Bell, who appear to be the replacements for Jay Cutler and Matt Forte in this one, can score enough points. Can they score any points? Well, we know McCown can do this. And you know something, Decrepit? I never get tired of that. Packers 13, da Bearz 10.
I think the Packers have something to prove. And they will on Sunday. Just make sure that Devin Hester only handles the ball on the sideline. Packers 31, Bears 14.
Before we close, I would like to say Merry Christmas to all my faithful readers and to my family. Ben out!
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