Friday, December 16, 2011

Benster and D Pick Your Games -- You Cannot Be Serious Edition

I'm telling you, Geritol Fan -- they made us go to the new Blogger format. I'm having a difficult time envisioning the HYYYYYPPPPPE! I'm 16 years old and finding myself resenting forced software changes. My goodness, is nothing sacred? Or am I turning  Decrepit well before my 20th birthday?

Hard to say, young fella. Are you resistant to change?

I live by the motto -- if it ain't broke, don't fix it. And because my mad prognostication skillz are intact, despite whatever technological barriers are placed in front of me, I soldier on. Watch me work!

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl -- Utah State Aggies (-1.5) vs. Ohio University Bobcats, on the Smurf Turf in lovely Boise, Idaho. Man, talk about a crappy bowl game! Two teams that are usually on the D-list in college football, playing in an outpost far removed from all civilization, on blue turf. You cannot be serious! This bowl game is the pits of the world! In fact, I don't really care who wins. But since we are duty-bound to pick one crappy bowl game each week during the bowl season, and this one is the crappiest one available this week, I will pull my unique analytical skills out and determine that Utah State nearly beat Auburn earlier this year, while Ohio University may have beaten the Heidelberg University Student Princes. So who wins? Aggies 17, Bobcats 10.

I'm kinda waiting for the Belk Bowl myself, but that's still 10 days out. A nice bowl of Belk is a traditional holiday favorite in Hungary, I understand. As for this game, I have no clue. I'll go with the other team just for giggles. Ohio University 24, Utah State 19.

New Orleans Saints (-6.5) vs. Minnesota Ponders Webbs. Actually, Christian Ponder hasn't been crossed out yet, but he's getting mighty close. He pretty much brought the stink last week in Detroit, while Joe Webb did his best to start a quarterback controversy on a 2-11 team, which is a pretty good trick when you think about it. Things have gotten so bad for our local Purple that KFAN is openly ridiculing the team that they carry as the flagship station of the Viking Radio Network. In fact, I would say that Christian Ponder is playing more like this than an NFL quarterback. He's got the hair to pull off a power ballad, but let's face it, one more bad performance and he'll be back on the pine. In fact, I don't think Ponder should necessarily assume he'll be the starter for this team in 2012. He's got a lot of work to do and he can't be like Social Security -- something I can't depend on in the future. As for the Saints, they'll win easily. N'awlins 100, Vikes 0.

Yeah, that margin of victory would be a pretty easy win. I don't think it will be that bad. Meanwhile, word to to the wise, Seabiscuit -- don't be dissing Ponder too much, especially since Mrs. D is fond of the dashing young signalcaller. But I agree, the Saints will win. Saints 34, Vikings 17.

Glorious Green Bay Packers (-13.5) vs. Kansas City Chefs. Meanwhile, the 13-0 Packers head to Kansas City, where they will encounter a team that fired its coach and seems ready to play Kyle Orton, who the Packers have already torched in the pre-Tebow era, and also generally because Orton is a former Bear with a really cheesy mustache. Is everything up to date in Kansas City? Not really. Pack will cruise. Champs 42, Chefs 7.

I sense little faith on your part for the home team. That seems right. Arrowhead Stadium is usually a very difficult place to win, but the Chiefs are hurting and the Packers have a chance to do something really special this season -- silence Mercury Morris. I don't see them tripping here. Packers 38, Chiefs  17.

Seattle Seabags (+3.5) vs. Bear Down Chicago da Bearz. Here's the thing, Decrepit -- the Seahawks are playing better these days, while da Bearz are still wheeling out Caleb Hanie. I know that everyone is jumping on the Tim Tebow bandwagon, but let's be real here -- there's no way that the Bears should have lost that game in Denver last week. That game was one of the worst choke jobs I've ever seen. And I enjoyed it immensely. Sorry, Gino. Seattle, believe it or not, has an outside chance to make the playoffs if  they keep winning. The Bears have a chance to go 7-9. Dare to dream, Tarvaris Jackson. Dare to dream. Seabags 7, da Bearz 0.

One thing is certain -- the Bears are having an interesting stretch. It's not often you lose your starting quarterback, star running back and have a backup wide receiver get nabbed by federal drug agents. The funny thing is, I'm glutton for punishment, so: Bears 20, Seattle 14.

I was going to pick the Lions game, but I was afraid that I'd make Ndamukong Suh mad and he might stomp me or something. So I'll let them play without me. Ben out!


Gino said...

i'm hoping the Bears run the table and end up with abetter draft position.

they're on a roll now.

Night Writer said...

I wasn't discouraged by Ponder's results last week. A rookie quarterback simply can't miss a week's worth of practice and be effective; something I'd expect a professional head coach to know. Unless, of course, he didn't want to risk igniting a quarterback controversy by starting Webb and then having Webb do well. Naturally, he misplayed that one, too. So, rookie QB, rookie coach, on to the next learning experience.

Brad Carlson said...

The single-game passing record for yardage is 554, set by Norm Van Brocklin in 1951.

With Drew Brees taking on the Vikings' pitiful secondary, today's game is being dubbed "The drive for 555."

Mr. D said...

"The drive for 555."

I heard that on KFAN, Brad. It's conceivable.

Brad Carlson said...

Brees could've got the 555 but they held him back in the 4th quarter.