Thursday, December 29, 2011

Guilty Pleasures Part Eighty-Four: Fearless Maria Meets 2012 Head-On, Plus a Bit of Bonus Social Commentary (interspersed throughout)

Fearless Maria is back.

Duh duh DUHHHHH! Cue the dramatic music. She's ALIVE! She's ALIVE!

Decided to make an entrance, then.

Well, we have to keep things interesting, you know, Dad! It's good for marketing! My line of Fearless Maria merchandise may be coming out any time now. It's a shame that that noob screwed up the paperwork, otherwise we'd have gotten the merch out before Christmas!

Wait, I didn't know you had merchandise.

Well, you never know what's hiding underneath my bed. And don't you go checking there now!

Well, it's hard to do that and do a blog post at the same time.

Well, some people can handle multitasking. Especially younger people. But I said especially. Not all.

So, what kind of merchandise did you have?

Well, I had a bunch of campaign merchandise all ready and raring to go, but then Fate intervened!


Well, no it wasn't really Fate. It was Foot. Learned Foot, to be precise. The corrupt political operative who runs the Kool-Aid Report and is now wanted at two blogs. But not necessarily this one.

Oh, so you're still mad at Foot because he wouldn't let you run for Mayor of the MOB?

I just think that he's prejudiced against fun people, that's all. And middle schoolers, too. That much seems obvious to me. What kind of stupid age discrimination against supercool agents of genius like myself is this? Just because I don't have back problems and a walker like you old people doesn't mean I'm not smart enough to run the MOB! Maybe I'll have to set up my own thing for the Undersecretary of the MOB. It will be a fair, clean vote. No one will get rejected. Not even someone's intestinal tract!

Seems fair. Do you feel better now, having uncorked that rant?

Oh, I could go on. But sure, I'm done. Now, what are we doing tonight for Guilty Pleasures, Dad?

Well, I checked the calendar and it appears we're at the end of the year.

But it only just started!

No, it's over now, for the most part. And it's time for 2012.

Oh my gosh, what songs are about 2012? There haven't been any written yet, right?

Probably not, but we can go back to the past. We usually do.

Surprise, surprise! Yeah, I know you know a lot of really old music, Dad. So old that some of their instruments were designed by cave men. Or maybe that Learned Foot guy.

You're really a little too young to be so bitter.

Well, who says I'm not being bittersweet?

I'm not even sure how to respond to that. So instead we'll plug in the first video. We'll start around 1965 or so, when even I was young. But Frank Sinatra was not:

Well, what do you think, Maria?

I didn't know that older people wore fedoras! I thought that was Bruno Mars's thing!

Actually, back in the day a lot of people wore them. And Frank was famous for his.

Did you have one in those days, Dad?

Well, I was about 2 when this song came out. So I probably had a "Junior Slugger" baseball cap.

Ah. Well, anyway, the song was good, obviously, but let me ask you this -- when you were 17, was it a very good year for you?

I think so, Maria. But I didn't spend a lot of time on the village green.

Why? Were you too busy playing wiffle ball with your friends, in your suit and tie and fedora?

That would have made it tough to play wiffle ball, actually.

You're not going to tell me anything about that, are you? Well, that's fine -- I'm sure I can get the truth out of Uncle Paul anyway. So let's move on. What's next?

Well, not long after Frank was getting all wistful, two other dudes were thinking about the future:

Look at that facial hair! And that one dude's head! It's like an oval head covered in fake hair! Not much to say about their clothing, because it's in black and white and I can't tell if it doesn't match like most of the videos you show me. I wonder why they thought they could predict all this stuff. Did they think they were oracles or something?

No, just a couple of folk singer types trying to make a living in the cruel, cruel world.

That explains a lot of things, especially that one guy's weird oval head. But we're just trying to get through 2012, so I'd rather not think about 2525! Do you have some other year?

How about this one?

It's the "Year of the Cat."

Well, shouldn't it be the Year of the Dog? Everybody loves dogs! And you know I want a dog! A sweet, lovable dog that would fetch your slippers, relieve stress and keep the food scrap population down and be a good addition to the family! Right? Right?

Actually, let's stay on topic.

Okay, cats then. I just think you want to avoid the topic of dogs. Cats are awesome, too, and I can see the connection between girls and a cat. Girls are smart -- cats are smart. Girls are independent thinkers -- cats value independence, too. Girls could be mayor of the MOB, Foot can be catty. It all makes sense now!

I don't think ripping the guy is going to get him to reconsider.

I know that, Dad, but if I tried to persuade him he'd probably just stick his tongue out at me and slam the door in my face. I can't even persuade you and Mom to get me a dog, so maybe I need to change my approach.

Well, did you like the song?

Sure. It's a good song. I like the piano solo and even though that video is right in the middle of the 70s,  they don't look completely ridiculous. They actually even look decent, which coming from me is a good compliment.

High praise, indeed, I'd say. Shall we move on?

Yes, Dad. Let's. I think it's time to turn the page.

Ah, yes, Bob Seger. I've heard this one before, Dad! The alto sax is very good on it and Bob Seger seems to be looking okay, although he might consider brushing his hair a little.

These days, he has a little less hair.

Well, see, if he'd taken my advice and brushed it, maybe it would have stayed in more! These people never listen to me. Just like Learned Foot. By the way, why didn't he call himself Learned Elbow? It's more catchy!

I'll be sure to pass your advice along, Maria.

That would do everyone some good. Okay. What else do you have?

Well, we can talk about the new year. Or let some Swedish people sing about it.

Ah, finally something to critique! Lots of outfits on this one! Number one: I see a lot of very silly hats that people got from the dress-up box.

That's actually a tradition in some places, wearing silly hats on New Year's Eve.

Oh, okay then, we won't critique that any further. Number two, I also see a lot of strange striped outfits, and I think I even saw one that looked like Kermit the Frog! Or is that part of the tradition, too?

No, I don't think dressing like Kermit the Frog is traditional.

Good to know. Number three, a lot of very ugly frills around on some of the costumes and on one of the members of Abba. And number four, don't you think the interior design of the living room is pretty boring? White on white? Tan on tan? Yawn on yawn?

Well, it's got that IKEA vibe going on. And after all, it is Sweden.

Oh, good point. But I don't shop at IKEA anyway. I just think some green plants would like nice. Or maybe a huge inflatable jumper thing. They were doing a lot of jumping in the video. Not as much as these guys, but a lot.

Now you're getting into Benster's territory with that link.

Well, I had to see if he was paying attention. And you know he tries to get into my territory all the time! "Word to your moms, I came to drop bombs?" Heck, what does that even mean? And you know I hate rap, so it's just to make a reference.

Well, you're nothing if not versatile, Maria.

Correct. All right, now do we have anything else?

Well, it's hard to get through a New Year without this one:

Some serious need to brush hair on that one! Well, maybe Bono was just trying to look punk, which is fine, I guess, if that's the look you're going for. And it was 1983, so actually it's acceptable. As for the song, well, I think it's pretty good. Although it seems a little sad for a new year. We'd like a new year to be a little more upbeat and hopeful, maybe positive even.

But nothing changes on New Year's Day. Or so they say.

I don't believe that, Dad! I think this new year is going to be great! But the best way to celebrate is to make other people happy. And you know what would make me happy?

If people would pick their favorite in the comments section?

Well, yes! So this year, people, amuse me and pick something! And meanwhile, Dad, let's talk about that dog....


Gino said...

its a push for me tween year of the cat, and turn the page.

maybe a little more parial to turn the page.

(and i still think Maria needs a cat)

Benster said...

I'd have to vote for U2. Because U2 is epic.