Lightning Round - 091710

Another busy day, so a few quick thoughts. More later, I hope.

• What makes someone a RINO (Republican in Name Only)? Depends on who is doing the defining, I guess. To be honest, I suspect that a lot of the people who use the RINO epithet most often are actually further estranged from the Republican Party than the people labeled as RINOs. It's worth remembering -- while there is significant overlap between conservatives and Republicans, they are not necessarily the same thing.
• The Twins completed the sweep last night in Chicago and are now clearly on their way to the playoffs. I'm looking forward to it. In past years, you've always had the sense that there was no way the Twins could get past the Yankees, but there's reason to believe that things are closer this time around.

The Candidate Link List is Up

I have posted links to a number of campaigns on my sidebar. We'll be talking about the individual races in the coming weeks. While I can't vote for some of these candidates, especially the Congressional candidates in Wisconsin, they all richly deserve support. Check 'em out!

Tell me if I'm wrong about this

If Mark Dayton didn't have a trust fund, he'd be Ole Savior.

Gardy deserves a little love

If you've been watching the pennant races, you'll have noticed that the Twins are now 8 games up over the White Sox and are within sniffing distance of having the best overall record in the American League. If you look at the Twins roster, you will see how amazing this is.

The Twins continue to win consistently without their best slugger (Justin Morneau, out for two months now with a concussion) and their longtime closer (Joe Nathan). Their starting pitching is pretty good, but they don't have any true stoppers. They regularly run journeymen like Jason Repko out on the field. Yet they win, repeatedly. For the past two nights they have laid waste to a talented Chicago White Sox team laden with sluggers and power arms. How does this happen?

I think the answer is Ron Gardenhire. His persona is a little gruff and he's often entertaining when he argues with umpires, but he's amazingly good at pushing the right buttons. He's also figured out the optimum way to use Jim Thome, who knocked the Twins out of the playoffs in 2008 and has now hit well over 20 home runs in part time duty for the Twins.

It seems like every year, some other manager gets the Manager of the Year award in the American League and Gardenhire finishes second or third. This year, given everything the Twins have had to face, they rank among the elite. If Gardenhire is not the manager of the year in the American League this year, he'll never win the award. But whether he wins or not, there is no better manager in baseball today. Twins fans shouldn't take him for granted, even if the national media do.

Ms. O'Donnell (Attempts to) Go(es) to Washington

So Christine O'Donnell wins the Delaware primary over Mike Castle. Everybody wonders: What Does It All Mean? Beats me.

What I do know is this: we are at a point where sincerity trumps political standing. The Tea Party isn't a vehicle that the old bulls of the GOP can co-opt. In fact, it looks increasingly like a hostile takeover of the party is going on. Emphasis on hostile, given the emotions that have been spilling out of this race.

What's been most troubling to me is that Castle, like Lisa Murkowski, has apparently decided that they are personally more important than the party they have ostensibly served. Incumbency is not tenure and if there's a perception out there that the establishment is rotten, it shouldn't be surprising that establishment candidates are going to fare poorly. And in many respects, I think the GOP establishment has been pretty rotten.

When Barack Obama took office, many people hoped that he would change things in Washington, but that was never the game. What he did was unleash the old bulls of his party, who had been waiting for 40 years for their moment. My sense is that a lot of people who pulled the lever for Obama had little or no idea that Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, David Obey and John Dingell would start ramming through policies that few wanted. It's hardly surprising that many people who supported Obama and, by extension his party, now reject what they've done.

But the thing has always been this: the unpopularity of the Democrats doesn't mean establishment Republicans are now all the rage once again. There was a very good reason for the butt-kicking that the GOP took in 2006 and 2008. The point of the Tea Party has always been to get new people and new thinking into the Beltway. Its goal was never to reward John Boehner or Mitch McConnell. The Tea Party folks have, in the main, always understood that John Boehner is just as much of an impediment to real change as David Obey.

As for the elections themselves, I wouldn't worry too much about the individual results. While it's quite possible that Christine O'Donnell is unelectable in Delaware, there are still a number of weeks before the voters go to the polls. She'll have the opportunity to make her argument to the people of Delaware.

Meanwhile, we have a number of important elections in Minnesota and we have a chance to make some needed changes to the way the state has done business. It's time for us to get to work.

Freedom of Speech

Just so we're clear, you can say whatever you want, unless it's somehow inconvenient to someone, apparently.

It's been a rough week for the First Amendment. First, we had Kathleen Sebelius putting us on notice about mentioning things she'd rather not contemplate. The WSJ editorialists remind us of her subtle approach:

Witness Kathleen Sebelius's Thursday letter to America's Health Insurance Plans, the industry trade group—a thuggish message even by her standards. The Health and Human Services secretary wrote that some insurers have been attributing part of their 2011 premium increases to ObamaCare and warned that "there will be zero tolerance for this type of misinformation and unjustified rate increases."

Zero tolerance for expressing an opinion, or offering an explanation to policyholders? They're more subtle than this in Caracas.

Wonder how Sebelius would look with a parrot on her shoulder. Well, I'm not part of the insurance industry. Wonder if she'll come and get me?

Meanwhile, we had the spectacle of a sitting Supreme Court justice pondering whether a Koran can be burned (H/T Captain Ed):

Last week we saw a Florida Pastor – with 30 members in his church – threaten to burn Korans which lead to riots and killings in Afghanistan. We also saw Democrats and Republicans alike assume that Pastor Jones had a Constitutional right to burn those Korans. But Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer told me on "GMA" that he's not prepared to conclude that -- in the internet age -- the First Amendment condones Koran burning.

“Holmes said it doesn’t mean you can shout 'fire' in a crowded theater,” Breyer told me. “Well, what is it? Why? Because people will be trampled to death. And what is the crowded theater today? What is the being trampled to death?”

Let's be clear about a few things from the outset. The guy who wanted to burn the Koran was a rat bastard. But as the saying goes, hard cases make bad law. Do we really want to give anyone a heckler's veto over what is indisputably free expression, even if it is vile expression?

Apparently Breyer is willing to entertain this:

For Breyer, that right is not a foregone conclusion.

“It will be answered over time in a series of cases which force people to think carefully. That’s the virtue of cases,” Breyer told me. “And not just cases. Cases produce briefs, briefs produce thought. Arguments are made. The judges sit back and think. And most importantly, when they decide, they have to write an opinion, and that opinion has to be based on reason. It isn’t a fake.”

Do you trust Stephen Breyer to do this thinking for you? Do you trust Antonin Scalia? I wouldn't trust either of them, frankly.

I don't mean to be flip about this, but let's ask a hypothetical: would it be okay to burn a Koran if it were wrapped in an American flag? And if not, on what basis should the Koran (or a Bible) be afforded greater protection than an American flag?

Party On, Garth

It's good to see that the social whirl continues, despite everything:

President Obama and first lady Michelle Obama have a packed social schedule this week, with two major galas and a reception for college athletes.

Have fun, Mr. President.

Someone Tell Mark Dayton

Outgoing Chicago Mayor Richard M. "Shanks" Daley earns the Mr. Dilettante Strange New Respect Award for the following statement:

"This is a much more difficult economy than we have ever seen," Daley said. "This economy is not going to change around tomorrow. I wish it was, but it will not change."

Daley said that increasing taxes was not the solution.

"If anybody believes they can increase taxes today, I think they're out of their mind," he said.

Preach it, brother!

Crossing the Delaware and Jumping the Shark

The best thing about the Delaware primary contest between Mike Castle and Christine O'Donnell is that it has exposed the fault line in the Republican Party. We do need to talk about these things. The worst thing is that it seems like both sides have pretty much jumped the shark on the matter.

Personally, I have little use for professional Republicans and my heart is with the insurgents who are in the midst of taking over the apparatus. Having said that, it's passing strange to envision that losing elections gains much for the cause of conservatism in this country. From what I can tell, Mike Castle would be an East Coast Republican senator, with a voting pattern similar to that of Scott Brown or the Maine Sisters. In other words, he'd be on the side of the angels about 60-65% of the time and would cause considerable heartburn on any number of issues. Christine O'Donnell would be a far more reliable conservative voice, but she's not running in a state that is yet ready to elect a reliable conservative. That's the calculus here.

Lighting Round - 091310

Same as yesterday -- not much time:

• Here's an article that will start a few arguments. The money graf: As long as she is viewed as a significant political figure, the left’s obsession with Palin will never wane because it does not spring from rational roots. She threatens something too deep and too profound in a political subculture built around the belief that a small percentage of human beings have a vastly superior understanding of the world compared to all the rest. Read the whole thing - guaranteed to anger the lovable lefty in your life.
• As long as you're not a fan of the Vikings or the Gophers, it was a highly enjoyable football weekend. After losing to South Freakin' Dakota, Gopher coach Tim Brewster must feel like a dead man walking. And Joel Maturi, the man who hired him, is probably looking over his shoulder, too.
• Tom Brady, the highly successful quarterback of the New England Patriots, makes a lot of money and rightly so. So you have to wonder why a charitable organization would feel the need to give him cars.

Lightning Round - 091210

Lotsa stuff to do today, so this has to be quick:

• The Instapundit nails it. "You were expecting a Chicago machine politician to show an enthusiasm for civil liberties?" As a practical matter, all the bloviating we heard about civil liberties, torture and the like during the Bush administration was just that. There are people I know who are genuinely sincere about the issue -- our frequent commenter Rich would be one example. But most everyone else wasn't. If they were, coverage of the matter wouldn't be limited to the op-ed pages.
• I think the Star Tribune telegraphed its punch today with this editorial. Here's the punchline: "Tom Horner ranks as a serious contender, and he deserves full consideration by Minnesotans who in more ordinary times might not look at a third-party candidate. That's especially true of those who value a more centrist, pragmatic approach to governing than has so far been offered up by the GOP and DFL candidates." There was never any chance that Tom Emmer would get the endorsement, of course, but it would appear that the Star Tribune understands that Mark Dayton is, well, incoherent. The Strib is hoping that Horner would run things like a DFLer who pretends to wear a green eyeshade from time to time. How Horner could run anything other than his mouth without legislative support is one of those inconvenient questions that we ought to ask.
• Of course, incoherence is a DFL strong point this year. Consider this wisdom from Barb Goodwin, the longtime party hack who has been tasked to hold the SD50 state senate seat in the wake of Satveer Chaudhary's indiscretions, as she lines up the usual straw man suspects: "Here's just how huge it is: We could shut down all of state government: let all the prisoners out of prisons, stop inspecting restaurants, fire all forensic scientists plus all fire and health inspectors, eliminate environmental protection and conservation activities, stop collecting taxes (which would put us further in debt), stop funding all bus service and other transit, close down all of the drivers' license and testing stations, end upkeep and public use of all state parks and trails, stop testing and trying to improve drinking water, river and lake quality, end all occupational licensing, reviewal and training activities, stop auditing city and state agencies, end all renters and homeowners credit, fire all state troopers and eliminate all the other things state government does and still not have enough money to balance the budget. That's because the overwhelming majority of our budget goes to education, health care for seniors and others, and local government aid to help keep down property taxes in property-poor cities. Those whose total solution is to just cut state government are wrong." Somehow Goodwin left out the part where Republicans kill kittens with their bare hands, although I'm sure that's an oversight. Still, it's a stirring synopsis -- never mind that no one has proposed doing any of those things. There's enough nonsense in that one Faulkner-length sentence to fuel a dozen blog posts.

Nine years on

I wrote the following piece four years ago -- still don't think I'll improve upon it, so I offer it again, but with a few comments at the end.

It was an especially beautiful morning, and really a gorgeous day, one of those days that make September the best time of year in Minnesota. The sky was clear and the morning air was crisp. I climbed on the 4 bus on Foss Road and began my journey to my office in downtown Minneapolis. I arrived at my desk about the same time the first plane hit.

We all can remember what we were doing that day. I remember thinking that this was different. I remember the first reports coming around as routine office chatter – “did you hear that a small plane hit the World Trade Center?” Then we learned the second plane had hit. And the rumors were flying. Planes were crashing into buildings all over the country. The Air Force was shooting down airliners. We knew the nation was under attack, an attack we couldn’t quite comprehend. Work at my office crawled to a standstill as a single television set showed the smoking buildings. Broadcast e-mails from the top executives imploring everyone to “get back to work” were ignored. We didn’t know what we should do. A co-worker and fellow Catholic, who knew of my involvement at my home parish because we’d compared our experiences, suggested that we go to St. Olaf for noon Mass. A group of us did and found the downtown church filled to the rafters. We heard the pastor speak of peace, of remaining calm, of God’s love on a day when hatred was streaked across the skies and the airwaves. And we knew that Father Forliti was right. But we also knew that there would be a fight and the world had changed.

I went home that night and turned on the news. My son, freshly arrived from kindergarten, bounded down the steps, looking for his usual dose of Scooby Doo. My wife called down, “No, Benjamin, don’t go down there!” But he was there and he saw the footage of the plane striking the second tower. And he knew, in his child-like way, that this was real, and it was horrible. He started to cry and ran back up the stairs, screaming “I don’t want to see that!” I will never forget the look on his face.

Five years on, I think a lot of us are still screaming “I don’t want to see that!” It’s a rare thing in this life to actually witness evil, to see malevolence on a grand scale, to view an atrocity happen before your eyes. Most of the time, evil tends to happen quietly, in the background, without wide exposure. Because we don’t often see it as it occurs, we tend to either recoil from what we see, or fail to understand what we are seeing, or deny that we see is evil. That’s natural – we call it coping. But coping is not enough. Taking off our shoes in the airport is coping. We can cope indefinitely. But evil remains.

And I think we have to call this thing what it is – evil. Flying planes into buildings is evil. Bombing nightclubs and mosques is evil. Providing a cash stipend to the families of suicide bombers is evil. Pushing elderly men in wheelchairs into the Mediterranean is evil. Blowing up subway trains is evil. This is what we still face, five years on. I cannot predict where we will be in five years from this day, but I can only assume that we will still face evil. And saying “I don’t want to see that” will remain insufficient.

And now we are nine years on. We have just spent the week watching a crackpot minister preaching out of a Quonset hut playing a game of geopolitical chicken that drew satellite trucks and camera crews from news organizations that, nine years previously, were a whole lot easier to take seriously. And you know what? I don't want to see that.

It's almost too easy to forget what happened that day. We had plenty to do today -- a day that was about as beautiful as that eventful Tuesday, nine years before. Mrs. D and I took the kids for eye exams, I ran to the home improvement store for tarps and gutter scoops, and we both spent time sorting out the detritus in the garage. Aside from listening to Mitch Berg and Ed Morrissey talking about the anniversary on the radio in between errands, I'll admit that I didn't think very much about 9/11/01 today, because there were other things to do.

As we flip from 9/11/01 to 9/11/10, a few things are clear. We don't cower in fear on this day and, to me, we conclusively demonstrate that the terrorists have failed through resuming our normal lives. Most people treated this day as a normal late summer weekend -- the football stadia were filled, there were people mowing lawns and washing cars on my block and the kids were riding their bicycles up and down the street. The only way this day was any different is that you noticed flags at half staff all over town. The horrific roar of death we heard nine years ago, as the towers collapsed, is only so much background noise today. There's a statement in that.

There is danger, too. Memories fade. We lose our edge, our awareness, just a little bit. We have a president who says that combat operations are over in the Middle East, but it's far from clear that the war is over. We have gone from shoe bombers to underwear bombers, but we still have bombers and the cynical men who send them forth are still waiting for the proper moment to strike again.

Nine years on, I worry that we are finding it too easy to forget.

High School Confidential

You may not know this, but I went to high school with professional golfer J.P. Hayes -- he and my brother were classmates. But that doesn't make me a professional golfer -- in fact, I couldn't break 100 if I had the only pencil on the course.

Why bring that up? Because some people seem to think that because Rush Limbaugh and the moron Florida pastor who wants to burn Korans both went to the same high school, it has some significance.

The only conclusion I can draw? There are a lot of people who have gotten through high school without learning the post hoc, ergo propter hoc fallacy.

How does it work? This is the example I learned when I was young:

On a cold day, a cat put its kittens in the oven
Biscuits are always put in the oven
Kittens are biscuits

So what can we conclude about the relationship between these two high school classmates? Nothing. But go ahead and have a biscuit if you think otherwise.

Not So Super in the Superdome

Behold as the Packer fan tries to park his schadenfreude to objectively describe his thoughts concerning yesterday's game in New Orleans.

• You always hear football people talk about "reps," which is short for repetition. I know that Brett Favre hates training camp, but the real reason it's important has changed from the days when football players used to come back from their off-season jobs as sales reps or whatever. You need practice time and reps so that players know what their teammates are likely to do in game situations. It looked to me like Favre wasn't seeing what he might expect to see on pass plays. Indecision is the one thing you can't have when 300 lb. dudes are flying at you at a high rate of speed.
• The Vikings defense looked very good, almost surprisingly so. I thought that the Saints would be able to move the ball at will against an inexperienced secondary, but that really didn't happen. However, they gave the rest of the league a template for how to run the ball against the Vikings, especially in the second half when they actually tried to run. You get those big Williams guys on the move and they aren't always able to change direction that quickly. When it mattered at the end of the game, the Williams Wall appeared to be on casters.
• Jared Allen was at the game, I think, but I can't be sure.
• I don't know the extent of Bryant McKinnie's injury, but the Vikes had better hope he's not out for an extended period of time. Phil Loadholt is a good right tackle in the classic road grader style, but he was getting his butt kicked on every pass play when he moved to the left side.
• The Vikings miss Chester Taylor more than they'll admit. There were a number of 3rd down plays that would have been, ahem, tailor-made for Taylor, but apparently Favre doesn't trust Albert Young, Taylor's replacement, yet. Toby Gerhart might as well have been on a milk carton yesterday.
• Brad Childress still doesn't understand when to throw the challenge flag, either. It probably wouldn't have made a difference, but losing a timeout on a play that wasn't really that close was a big mistake.
• My beloved Packers take the field on Sunday. We'll see if they look like a team that can win the division then. I certainly wouldn't assume they've closed the gap yet.

Paying rapt attention to morons

By now everyone but me has offered an opinion on the guy in Florida who is about to burn a bunch of copies of the Koran. I was going to offer one but Ann Althouse has already done most of the work for me. The key grafs, although you should definitely read the whole thing:

There's an immense difference between burning your own book as a way of saying "I hate this book" — which adds more expression to the marketplace of ideas — and the confiscation and destruction of other people's books — which is about depriving people of access to expression that they want to consume.

It's offensive to say "I hate this book" about a book that some people revere, but that's the point. It's a vigorous, vicious expression. Burning your own copy of a book is the same thing. Unless you possess the only copy of the book — or, perhaps, an artistically or historically distinctive copy — the burning is just a way of being showily expressive and getting a big audience. It's absurd that any clown who wants attention can light a tiny fire and become world famous. Get a grip, people.

I find it hard to believe that Niebuhr and hyperventilators like him are big readers of important books, because their minds seem pretty feeble to me. "Torch a book and you at least symbolically deny your fellow men and women that freedom." At least symbolically. Or, to put it another way, i.e., truthfully: You don't deny other people anything. You give them something: the information that is your hatred of a book. And as they "decide for themselves whether what they read has meaning," they can take into account that you hate the book. It's not going to be a very influential piece of information, because you're just some attention whore who burned a book instead of articulating a pithy critique of it.

I think the terms Althouse chooses are a spot-on way to describe the dork down in Gainesville who is doing this -- "clown" and "attention whore" are exactly right. I'd add also suggest the sobriquet "hateful moron." But that's all that needs to be said about him.

However, I think Althouse's other point is also very important. We have inflated this sulfurous souffle long past any real significance. The best way to deal with this clown is to keep the news cameras and reporters away from his little stunt. He should be ignored and shunned. There's no reason to show his pitiful conflagration. The publicity he's received is the oxygen that keeps his stupidity alive. If anyone feels compelled to go to Gainesville this weekend, they ought to stroll over to the football stadium and watch the Florida Gators take on South Florida. It will be a far more edifying experience then watching this attention whore try to get his 16th minute of fame.

And if you think he can't be avoided, remember that it's very easy to ignore people with a flair for self-promotion if we choose to do so. If you doubt that, riddle me this: anyone seen Cindy Sheehan lately?

Meanwhile, in California

Unfettered executive power is apparently back in fashion:

WASHINGTON — A federal appeals court on Wednesday ruled that former prisoners of the C.I.A. could not sue over their alleged torture in overseas prisons because such a lawsuit might expose secret government information.

The sharply divided ruling was a major victory for the Obama administration’s efforts to advance a sweeping view of executive secrecy powers. It strengthens the White House’s hand as it has pushed an array of assertive counterterrorism policies, while raising an opportunity for the Supreme Court to rule for the first time in decades on the scope of the president’s power to restrict litigation that could reveal state secrets.

By a 6-to-5 vote, the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit dismissed a lawsuit against Jeppesen Dataplan Inc., a Boeing subsidiary accused of arranging flights for the Central Intelligence Agency to transfer captives to other countries for imprisonment and interrogation. The American Civil Liberties Union filed the case on behalf of five former prisoners who say they were tortured in captivity — and that Jeppesen was complicit in that alleged abuse.

You could call this the "I vas just following orders" rationale. On balance, I support that the need to protect private entities that are doing work at the government's behest. But there's a problem involved, which Allahpundit at Hot Air mentions:

If, in the interests of national security, your rights are violated, there’s no legal recourse against any party involved if the facts implicate “secrets”? Transparency fee-vah!

So, let's ask the same question that Allahpundit asks: are you okay with this?

Michael Moore Hardest Hit

It's a damned strange valedictory from the longest-running caudillo around:

But during the generally lighthearted conversation (we had just spent three hours talking about Iran and the Middle East), I asked him if he believed the Cuban model was still something worth exporting."

The Cuban model doesn't even work for us anymore," he said.

This struck me as the mother of all Emily Litella moments. Did the leader of the Revolution just say, in essence, "Never mind"?

I asked Julia to interpret this stunning statement for me. She said, "He wasn't rejecting the ideas of the Revolution. I took it to be an acknowledgment that under 'the Cuban model' the state has much too big a role in the economic life of the country."

The "he" is Fidel Castro, of course. No word if the old fella has been reading Hayek lately. And the sound you just heard is the floor dropping from underneath over a half-century of fawning analysis. You don't have to reject the ideas, but it's in practice where things get ugly.

Fascinating piece from the Atlantic's Jeffrey Goldberg. Read the whole thing.

Now I Wanna Be Your Dog

President Obama must sense there's a hellhound on his trail, which explains why he complained about being treated like a dog in a recent appearance in Milwaukee.

Perhaps President Obama needs to realize that some kind of solitude is measured out in you. You'd think he'd know, but he hasn't got a clue.

Then again, the current economic situation must be weighing on him. It didn't take too long, til we found out, what people mean by down and out, right? The problem is when we sent him to Washington, eventually we caught him running around, spending our money all over town.

It makes me wonder why he must be like that, why he must chase the metaphorical cat? It's gotta be the dog in him, right? My advice for President Obama is that he needs to shake this creeping malaise. If he doesn't stand his own ground, how will he find his way out of this maze?

Obama Bohica

Here it comes again:

WASHINGTON — President Obama on Wednesday will make clear that he opposes any compromise that would extend the Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthy beyond this year, officials said, adding a populist twist to an election-season economic package that is otherwise designed to entice support from big businesses and their Republican allies.

Hey, it's only your money. You have enough anyway.

It is not clear that Mr. Obama can prevail given his own diminished popularity, the tepid economic recovery and the divisions within his party. But by proposing to extend the rates for the 98 percent of households with income below $250,000 for couples and $200,000 for individuals — and insisting that federal income tax rates in 2011 go back to their pre-2001 levels for income above those cutoffs — he intends to cast the issue as a choice between supporting the middle class or giving breaks to the wealthy.

I'm sure he does. That's the only playbook the fella has, really. Never mind this:

Martin Feldstein, who was economic adviser to President Ronald Reagan, said all the Bush tax cuts should be extended for two years because even letting those for the wealthy lapse would be “a blow to a very fragile economy.”

To the chagrin of the White House, Mr. Obama’s recently departed budget director, Peter R. Orszag, took the same stance on Tuesday in a column in The New York
Times.

So if you were a successful individual and were hoping to keep more of your money to either (a) invest in a new business or (b) pile it up in a vault and roll in it like Scrooge McDuck, tough luck, pal.

One other thing -- Mark Dayton would also like a word with you.

Benster and D Pick Your Games -- NFL Week 1, Baby!

We're back, just like a bad Mexican dinner!

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Knock it off, Decrepit. I do the comedy around here.

Based on the available evidence, I'm not so sure about that....

Did you hear something? I didn't hear anything. Anyway, we're back and you know I'm feelin' the HYYYYYYYYPPPPEEEE!!!!!!!

That reminds me that I might have to join Sam's Club so I can buy exclamation points in bulk.

WalMart is evil, old fella. Forget it. You're here to pick football games, anyway.

Is that what we're doing? Okay, I can do that. So what's the first game on the agenda, Seabiscuit?

South Dakota Wile E. Coyotes vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers (NL): This is a do or die season for Tim "Poor Man's Glen Mason" Brewster, and if the Gophers don't start winning, Gopher Nation will take Brewster to Pasadena and leave him in the middle of the Pasadena Freeway. You'd love to think that the Gophers would win this one, but recent history says that the Gophers will have struggles with teams that reside across the Red River. And I'm calling the upset: Acme Corporation 20, Golden Brew 19.

Wow. Getting off to a silly start already, young fella?

Expect anything less?

Good point. Now, where was I? Yes, the Gophers have had trouble against North Dakota State and South Dakota State, but the Coyotes are not much of a program. While in real life a coyote tends to beat (and eat a Gopher), that won't happen this time. I suspect the rest of the year could get ugly, but the Fighting Brewsters will handle these guys. Gophers 37, Coyotes 10.

Do You Know the Way to San Jose State Spartans (+37 1/2) vs. Beloved Wisconsin Badgers. Apparently Vegas doesn't know the way to San Jose. It's obvious that the Badgers have a chance to win the Big Ten and get into a major bowl this year. They won't lose on Saturday -- that much is certain. Badger Badger Badger 40, Dionne Warwick 17.

The Badgers were a little sloppy in Vegas, but I'm confident they'll play much better at Camp Randall. In other years, San Jose has had some good teams, but this time around, they look pretty feeble. Badgers 45, San Jose 7.

Penn State Paternos (+11 1/2) vs. They Call Alabama the Crimson Tide, Call Me Deacon Blue. They call Alabama the National Champions of the Money Conferences, but that's another issue (ahem Boise State ahem). I'm surprised that JoePa is starting a freshman quarterback, which means he's going off the deep end at the age of 172. Well, maybe he's not quite that old, but he's been around forever. Bama will be without Mark Ingram, he of Heisman Trophy fame, but like most NFL teams, Bama has a backup that should be starting anyway. Roll Tide! We're Not Au-barn 96, JoePa 7.

So you're saying that Alabama is going to beat the point spread, I guess. Well, as usual I'm shaking my head at this pick. I suspect the Tide will win, but Penn State will make it close. Well, at least closer than 96-7, that is. Alabama 24, Penn State 16.

Minnesota Vikings (+4 1/2) vs. New Orleans They Call Me the Brees. This game is arguably the most talked-about game this week (with the Irondale vs. Columbia Heights clash a very close second), because the Vikings and He Who Must Not Be Named are looking for revenge. However, the Vikings are not the same team that entered the Superdome in January. You have to wonder if Lord Favremort can avoid the hits that will come. Also, the Vikes will be without Sidney Rice, arguably their best playmaker since Randy Moss. I think that the skill of my Fantasy League Stud Quarterback (that would be Brees, not the old dude from Mississippi) will win the day, with help from a defrocked Heisman Trophy winner. In a shootout, I call it: Who Dat 84, Bad Ankle Brent 77.

Uh, no. I'm likely to hate myself for doing this, but I think that the Vikings owe the Saints one and will have just enough voodoo or juju or gris-gris to win this one. Vikings 27, Saints 24.

Glorious Green Bay Packers (-3) vs. Philadelphia Freedom. If you've been paying attention to the pre-season, what the heck is wrong with you! No, seriously, you know that if you've been paying attention, Aaron Rodgers and his mates on offense have been playing like the 2007 Patriots. They should have no problem disposing of the Eagles, who will begin the season with something called Kevin Kolb as their starting quarterback. Michael Vick is still with the Eagles, so they deserve to get their butts kicked just for having him. Look for the Packers to give poor Kolb a dose of the "Psycho" defense and Kolb to get really, really confused. Packers 34, Freedom's Just Another Word for Nothing Left to Lose 20.

This game makes me nervous. I think the Eagles aren't as good as they have been in the past, but the Packers haven't won a game in Philadelphia since about 1771. I think that Cornwallis has a better record in Philly than the Packers do. But that ends this time. Packers 34, Eagles 27.

Motor City Kitties (+6) vs. Bear Down Chicago da Bearz. Can I just say one thing? The Lions still suck. I'm sure that in California, Gino has to be excited that his beloved da Bearz are getting the equivalent of an additional pre-season game. I've never been fond of Matthew Stafford, who spends more time in a hospital room than on the field. And Julius Peppers might be his latest ticket to the ICU. Also, be on the lookout for Devin Aromashadou, or however you spell that. I don't know if he'll do anything, but I just like saying Aromashadou. Jay Cutler will find defensive backs, but not today. Da Bearz 13, United Hospital 3.

You may not believe this, but I think the Lions are getting better. I do want to see Devin Aromashadou get tackled by Ndamakong Suh. Maybe by the time we reach mid-season, I'll learn how to spell those names. Bears win, but it won't be easy. Bears 24, Lions 20.

So, Decrepit, what did you think about last night's game, in which Boise State proved that they are for real?

Good game, terrible uniforms. Tell Boise to stop dressing like a bunch of pansies and maybe I'll give them a little more respect.

Boise's not going to lose, no matter what you think of their uniforms, old fella. Boise fans, book hotels in Phoenix -- you're going to need them. Ben out!