We're back, just like a bad Mexican dinner!
Yo quiero Taco Bell.
Knock it off, Decrepit. I do the comedy around here.
Based on the available evidence, I'm not so sure about that....
Did you hear something? I didn't hear anything. Anyway, we're back and you know I'm feelin' the HYYYYYYYYPPPPEEEE!!!!!!!
That reminds me that I might have to join Sam's Club so I can buy exclamation points in bulk.
WalMart is evil, old fella. Forget it. You're here to pick football games, anyway.
Is that what we're doing? Okay, I can do that. So what's the first game on the agenda, Seabiscuit?
South Dakota Wile E. Coyotes vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers (NL): This is a do or die season for Tim "Poor Man's Glen Mason" Brewster, and if the Gophers don't start winning, Gopher Nation will take Brewster to Pasadena and leave him in the middle of the Pasadena Freeway. You'd love to think that the Gophers would win this one, but recent history says that the Gophers will have struggles with teams that reside across the Red River. And I'm calling the upset: Acme Corporation 20, Golden Brew 19.
Wow. Getting off to a silly start already, young fella?
Expect anything less?
Good point. Now, where was I? Yes, the Gophers have had trouble against North Dakota State and South Dakota State, but the Coyotes are not much of a program. While in real life a coyote tends to beat (and eat a Gopher), that won't happen this time. I suspect the rest of the year could get ugly, but the Fighting Brewsters will handle these guys. Gophers 37, Coyotes 10.
Do You Know the Way to San Jose State Spartans (+37 1/2) vs. Beloved Wisconsin Badgers. Apparently Vegas doesn't know the way to San Jose. It's obvious that the Badgers have a chance to win the Big Ten and get into a major bowl this year. They won't lose on Saturday -- that much is certain. Badger Badger Badger 40, Dionne Warwick 17.
The Badgers were a little sloppy in Vegas, but I'm confident they'll play much better at Camp Randall. In other years, San Jose has had some good teams, but this time around, they look pretty feeble. Badgers 45, San Jose 7.
Penn State Paternos (+11 1/2) vs. They Call Alabama the Crimson Tide, Call Me Deacon Blue. They call Alabama the National Champions of the Money Conferences, but that's another issue (ahem Boise State ahem). I'm surprised that JoePa is starting a freshman quarterback, which means he's going off the deep end at the age of 172. Well, maybe he's not quite that old, but he's been around forever. Bama will be without Mark Ingram, he of Heisman Trophy fame, but like most NFL teams, Bama has a backup that should be starting anyway. Roll Tide! We're Not Au-barn 96, JoePa 7.
So you're saying that Alabama is going to beat the point spread, I guess. Well, as usual I'm shaking my head at this pick. I suspect the Tide will win, but Penn State will make it close. Well, at least closer than 96-7, that is. Alabama 24, Penn State 16.
Minnesota Vikings (+4 1/2) vs. New Orleans They Call Me the Brees. This game is arguably the most talked-about game this week (with the Irondale vs. Columbia Heights clash a very close second), because the Vikings and He Who Must Not Be Named are looking for revenge. However, the Vikings are not the same team that entered the Superdome in January. You have to wonder if Lord Favremort can avoid the hits that will come. Also, the Vikes will be without Sidney Rice, arguably their best playmaker since Randy Moss. I think that the skill of my Fantasy League Stud Quarterback (that would be Brees, not the old dude from Mississippi) will win the day, with help from a defrocked Heisman Trophy winner. In a shootout, I call it: Who Dat 84, Bad Ankle Brent 77.
Uh, no. I'm likely to hate myself for doing this, but I think that the Vikings owe the Saints one and will have just enough voodoo or juju or gris-gris to win this one. Vikings 27, Saints 24.
Glorious Green Bay Packers (-3) vs. Philadelphia Freedom. If you've been paying attention to the pre-season, what the heck is wrong with you! No, seriously, you know that if you've been paying attention, Aaron Rodgers and his mates on offense have been playing like the 2007 Patriots. They should have no problem disposing of the Eagles, who will begin the season with something called Kevin Kolb as their starting quarterback. Michael Vick is still with the Eagles, so they deserve to get their butts kicked just for having him. Look for the Packers to give poor Kolb a dose of the "Psycho" defense and Kolb to get really, really confused. Packers 34, Freedom's Just Another Word for Nothing Left to Lose 20.
This game makes me nervous. I think the Eagles aren't as good as they have been in the past, but the Packers haven't won a game in Philadelphia since about 1771. I think that Cornwallis has a better record in Philly than the Packers do. But that ends this time. Packers 34, Eagles 27.
Motor City Kitties (+6) vs. Bear Down Chicago da Bearz. Can I just say one thing? The Lions still suck. I'm sure that in California, Gino has to be excited that his beloved da Bearz are getting the equivalent of an additional pre-season game. I've never been fond of Matthew Stafford, who spends more time in a hospital room than on the field. And Julius Peppers might be his latest ticket to the ICU. Also, be on the lookout for Devin Aromashadou, or however you spell that. I don't know if he'll do anything, but I just like saying Aromashadou. Jay Cutler will find defensive backs, but not today. Da Bearz 13, United Hospital 3.
You may not believe this, but I think the Lions are getting better. I do want to see Devin Aromashadou get tackled by Ndamakong Suh. Maybe by the time we reach mid-season, I'll learn how to spell those names. Bears win, but it won't be easy. Bears 24, Lions 20.
So, Decrepit, what did you think about last night's game, in which Boise State proved that they are for real?
Good game, terrible uniforms. Tell Boise to stop dressing like a bunch of pansies and maybe I'll give them a little more respect.
Boise's not going to lose, no matter what you think of their uniforms, old fella. Boise fans, book hotels in Phoenix -- you're going to need them. Ben out!