Old dude, I've only got one thing to say -- estoy en fuego! Can you feel the HYYYYYYYYYPPPPE!
Wait a minute, did you say you were on fire? Do I need to get some sort of extinguisher?
No, because last week I went 6-0 in my picks and even called the upset of the Golden Goofballs at the hands of Wile E. Coyote! I'm a genius, baybee!!!!
Oh. Good, then I'll put away the fire extinguisher.
I'm glad you did. But since I'm hotter than Hades, I'm ready to kick your ancient butt again! Let's get started, old boy. Bwahaha!
University of Southern California Probationers (-11 1/2) vs. Minnesota Hanging Their Heads in Shame. Last week was embarrassing if you were a Gopher fan. You can't lose to South Dakota Fanning or whatever those dudes were called, at home. Right now I doubt that Gophers could beat Eden Prairie High School. However, I'm going to invoke the theory about desperate teams at home winning. So, believe it or not, I say: Minnesota Repeat Insight Bowl Participants 18, Juvenile Hall 10.
Huh. Well, that's interesting. And you know what? I can see that possibility happening. Southern Cal hasn't exactly been blowing their opponents away this season and I'm not convinced that Lane Kiffin has any other talent than self-promotion. But the Trojans do have better players and that should be enough. Southern Cal 27, Gophers 20.
Arizona State Party Animals (+14) vs. Beloved Wisconsin Badgers. Arizona State's quarterback is a fellow named Stephen Threet. No, not Stephen Strasburg -- this guy's fastball wouldn't even hit 90 on a Wisconsin state trooper's gun, which we all know are rigged. Anyway, a couple of years ago this Threet fellow led a comeback win over the Badgers when he was at Michigan. However, ASU doesn't scare me. Badgers 40, Party U. 10.
These two schools haven't played each other since 1968. The last time they played, ASU creamed the Badgers. A lot has changed since then. ASU's long time coach, the infamous martinet Frank Kush, has long since left the scene. And the Badgers don't stink any more -- now they win a lot of football games. This one will be interesting, but I think this week Bucky steps up and shows a little more. Wisconsin 37, Arizona State 20.
Notre Dame Fighting Belgians (+3 1/2) vs. Sparty the Spartan. Brian Kelly won't have to worry about Denard "Michael Vick without the dog problems" Robinson this week. Instead, he gets the Spartans. I do expect the Spartans to be a middle of the pack team in the Big Ten this year and the Irish are a work in progress, at best. Sparty 28, Irish 24.
I suspect that the Irish will get better eventually, too. They have some good skill players and they still manage to get a lot of talent into South Bend each year. Right now, though, the Spartans are ahead of the Irish, especially at home. Michigan State 31, ND 23.
Miami Tuna Net Victims (+5 1/2) vs. Minnesota Favres. It seems that Brett Favre's strategy of not showing up to training camp didn't work out so well for him last week. He looked confused and did not show what we've come to expect out of him. The key for the Vikings is to not fall behind early, because when they let the opponent hang around, Favre has to win the game by himself and that's not always a good idea. The Dolphins don't have their secret weapon, the Wildcat, being a secret any more. I expect Leslie Frazier to plan for when that formation comes out on the field. Team AARP 30, Sorry Charlie 20.
Oh, I think the Vikings will be fine this week. Look for Adrian Peterson to take over and do very well against an average Miami defense. And maybe he won't even fumble this week. Vikings 31, Miami 13.
Buffalo Wild Wings (+13) vs. Glorious Green Bay Packers. I could go for some wings right now, Decrepit! But first I'll pick this game. Call me the Village Idiot --
If you insist --
Knock it off, old fella. I do the comedy around here. Brandon Jackson is a better fit for the Packer offense than Ryan Grant. Jackson is more of a receiving back and should get open, because defenses will be focused on the many Packer receivers. Buffalo is a team in transition and should be good in a couple of years. They aren't right now, though. Packers 81, Wild Wings 14.
Yeah, I think the Packers will win. But they won't score 81 points. They might score 40, though. From what I've heard, Buffalo is the worst team in the league. If that is true, they won't enjoy Lambeau very much. Green Bay 42, Buffalo 17.
New York Football Mannings (+5 1/2) vs. Indianapolis Mannings. It's the Manning Bowl! All Manning, all the time! Eli vs. Peyton, with Archie watching! No sign of former Brewers great Rick Manning, though. Anyway, the Colts are still smarting from their defeat at the hands of the Houston Texans last week. I do like desperate teams at home and the Colts fit that description. Look for the Sheriff of Indy to throw Eli in the stockade. Hope Archie won't mind too much. Colts 100, Giants 6.
So you're saying that the Colts are going to beat the spread, then? 100 points? Uh, no. Oh, I think that the Colts will score some points, even though the Giants typically play pretty good defense. I also think the Colts will win, but since I've agreed with most of your picks so far, I have to disagree on one more game. I'll make it this one. Giants 31, Colts 27.
Well, good for you, old fella! Glad to see that your Metamucil kicked in at the end and you actually stopped trying to copy my brilliance. I am a genius at work, I'll have you know. And after I kick your butt again, you are going to be on Revis Island, Early Bird Special Fan! Ben out!