We're back! We didn't do so well yesterday in picking games. That's what we get for being Big Ten fans. We should have known better. But I'm convinced that TCU got incredibly lucky with the officiating.
Well, I've always said that you have to be good enough to win the game without having to worry about the officiating, and the Badgers came up short. I would like to know if the college game has rules about helmet to helmet hits, though, since TCU's defensive hero, Tank Carder, unleashed about 3 of them on Scott Tolzien today. But we have to pick games, right Seabiscuit?
Yes, and we're just hoping that Ed Hochuli or Jeff Triplette isn't involved in any games we care about tomorrow. Put the flags away boys and let 'em play. And in the meantime, watch me work:
Minnesota Nomads (+3 1/2) vs. Motor City Kitties. So about 3 weeks ago, the Vikings were in Detroit and it was supposedly a home game. Now they're back and it's a road game. This is like Bizarro World or something. This Vikings team reminds me of Spiderman 3, where he turns dark and acts like the Mayhem guy on the insurance commercials. I think that guy was on the Metrodome roof, but we can't prove that. It is interesting to note how the Vikings made Michael Vick look like a normal quarterback last week in Philly. How will Shaun Hill do, considering that Eric Hipple is nowhere to be found? Or is it Bob Gagliano? Or maybe Joey Harrington? So many crappy Lions quarterbacks, so little time. . . . Spider Webb 100, Little Friskies 0.
I have to question your police work there, Seabiscuit. The Lions have played very well down the stretch and seem to have figured things out. The Vikings did play very well on Tuesday, but with the short week and a weak interior line looking at Ndamukong Suh, I tend to like the boys in the pale blue shirts. Lions 24, Vikings 14.
Bear Down Chicago da Bearz (+10) vs. Glorious Green Bay Packers. It's very simple for the Packers -- win and you're in. Da Bearz were fortunate to win on their home field the last time these two teams met. The Bears also have an outside shot at the No. 1 seed, if Atlanta and New Orleans lose and if the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars. I think that's how the tiebreaker works. Either that, or it's the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. I don't really know any of that weird hippie junk, but Old Dude told me about it once when he started thinking back on his own misspent youth. In any event, I don't think hippie junk will help da Bearz very much, but I hear Gino really loves that 60s era musical theater stuff. Next he's going to break out the soundtrack from A Chorus Line. Considering how the Packers have played since the debacle in Detroit, I'm going to have to go with the desperate team at home, with a chip on their shoulder. Gino gets the showtunes instead. Bang on the Drum All Day 35, Dit-ka Dit-ka 20.
I must say that Youngblood had a pretty good time at Lambeau last week, but he was pretty appalled that everyone in the stadium seemed to know the words to "Roll Out the Barrel," including his father. Polka has really not done so well in Minnesota ever since the demise of Whoopee John Wilfahrt. He'll eventually have to take advanced coursework in the career of Wisconsin favorite Alvin Styczynski. Anyway, that's pretty annoying, so let's move on. Lovie Smith, who apparently does not lead a polka band even though he could with a name like Lovie, would dearly love to beat the Packers. But if he tries and gets Cutler, Urlacher or Hester hurt in the process, he'd get run out of Chicago. So I suspect da Bearz will make a cursory effort and then let the Packers win. Vegas thinks so, too, which is why the line is ten points. Vegas is smart that way. Packers 31, Bears 17.
St. Louis Sheep (-3) vs. Seattle Seabags. This game, of course, is a travesty. These teams both stink, but the winner will get into the playoffs because the winner will be NFC West Champion. The Seabags could go in as a 7-9 team, the playoff team with a losing record in league history. They are likely without Matt Hasselback, so they'll be going with Charlie Whitehurst, who happens to be the son of former Packer great David Whitehurst, the missing link between Lynn Dickey and, well, Lynn Dickey. And to make matters worse, this game got flexed and now a national audience will be able to watch the game. But I bet they won't. This game is worse than the Beef O'Brady's Bowl, since no one even gets an order of wings or haggis out of the deal. Meanwhile, the New Orleans Saints would like to thank the National Football League for allowing this travesty to happen and giving the Saints the equivalent of a bye week in the first round. Sheep 0, Seabags 0. Oh, wait, someone has to win. Make it, Sheep 2, Seabags 0.
Seabiscuit is right. Who cares? Okay, I'll pick Seattle because, who cares? Seattle 17, St. Louis 10.
We'll be back eventually with playoff picks and the BCS National Championship, where I am guaranteed to unleash an epic rant about the unfairness of the BCS and Cam "Cash and Carry" Newton, who will have a hard time evading Oregon tacklers with all those $100 bills stuffed in his pants. The NCAA has proven itself an epic failure yet again. Ben out!