Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Benster and D Pick Your Games -- No, Really, We're Actually Doing This Again

Man, oh man, I've been waiting for this. I have so much HYYYYYYYYPPPPEE! stored up that I could power a sports car with it! And that reminds me of something, Decrepit....

I know, you want to drive my car. Forget it, pal. 1993 Buick Roadmaster for you.

Well, that's okay. It has a big honkin' trunk and I'll need it to hold all the HYYYYYPPPPE! Also, soon Mark Dayton will recognize that I'm legally able to drive and I can also have the power to shut down the state!

Well, the shutdown was certainly filled with HYYYPPPPE! So maybe you could do it. But that's not why we're here, right?

You got it, Geritol Fan! Football is here, baybee! And there's actually a full slate of college football action available for us to pick. So I'm ready to unleash my latest brilliance. Watch me work....

UNLV Runnin' Rebels (+35 1/2) vs. Beloved Wisconsin Badgers. So the college football season starts in Madison tomorrow night. And the Badgers found themselves a pretty good quarterback to start the year. His name is Russell Wilson, and he appears to be a merger of two famous sporting goods companies, Russell Athletics and Wilson Sports. No word on whether he wears Under Armour, though. He was the quarterback at North Carolina State for the past few seasons, but was able to transfer to Madison because he's already graduated from N.C. State. Now he can get a real education, Big Ten-style. The real question is, can the running game be as deadly as it was last year, given the departure of bruising human dump truck John Clay and road grader Gabe Carimi, who are now building a highway out in western Minnesota or something. I don't know much about UNLV, but neither do they, so I'll assume that the Badgers will open up a can of whoop-something or other tomorrow night. Badgers 100, Running Sores 0.

Well, that might be a bit much to expect, but it seemed like last year the Badgers could score 70 points when they saw fit, so perhaps you're right. I'll be curious to see how Wilson does. He's not like the typical Badger quarterback, because he actually has a lot of athleticism. He's also thrown over 70 touchdown passes in his career. That's going to be trouble for a lot of teams. Badgers should handle UNLV in Madison. Badgers 49, UNLV 14.

Minnesota Golden Roadkill (+22) vs. USC Trojans. It's the long-awaited debut of the new Gopher football coach, Jerry Kill, a/k/a "Jerry the Cable Guy." Why do we call him Jerry the Cable Guy? I have three reasons. First, Fearless Maria suggested it and we try to pay attention to everything she says. Second, he has that same twangy voice that the more famous cable guy has. But most of all, because the Gophers are so terrible there's little doubt that you'll need a pretty advanced cable package to see any of their games on television. I don't expect much from the Gophers in this first game. And I won't get much, either. Seriously, Kill Me a River or something. USC 35, DirecTV 7.

I actually think Jerry Kill will do a good job with the Gophers. The problem he has is that he's using Tim Brewster's players. That's not a recipe for success. Give Kill a year or two and things will turn around, but the locals are a mess right now. USC 31, Minnesota 14.

Oregon Ducks (-3) vs. LSU Bayou Bengals, at Jonestown. And Jerry Jones probably won't be serving Kool-Aid for this one. This is a big game for the first weekend of the year. It probably deserves a full dose of HYYYYYYYYPPPPPPE! We last saw the Ducks losing to Scam Newton in the BCScampionship game. The Ducks return a lot of talented players, including LaMichael James and, fortunately for them, not LaJoey Harrington. And LSU could probably use Joey Harrington or someone, because they will not have their starting quarterback available, because he apparently thought he was actually a student at Miami or something. Decrepit, I'm having a hard time keeping my scandals straight these days. Last I heard, the only NCAA school not currently under investigation is Macalester, although it's possible that some of their players have been getting illegal organic food benefits. We've sent our investigative team out to explore the matter, but they seem to be having trouble reporting back to the home office because they can't get across University Avenue because of the light rail project. But I digress. Like I've said before with Oregon, the Ducks have too much speed. They also like to no-huddle. LSU is big and tough, but they might get caught in matchup problems and Oregon will just abuse those all day. Quack Quack 42, Geaux Tigers 17.

I think it's going to be closer than that, Seabiscuit. LSU should have a crowd advantage and while the Ducks are fearsome when they get rolling, I wonder if they'll be up to full speed in the first game of the season. In fact, I'm going to pick it the other way for the heck of it. LSU 24, Oregon 21.

Spring Lake Park Panthers vs. Mighty Irondale Knights. I'm not gonna bother with NFL preseason games, old dude. I'd much rather discuss my alma mater, the Knights! It's the first game of the season and I really have no idea whether or not Irondale is going to be better than last year's disappointing 3-6 record. They've hedged their bets by scheduling footwipe St. Francis for the homecoming game. That's a good move, because last year we lost our homecoming game to Cooper. And we somehow found a way to lose to freaking North Branch at home. I expect better this year. I'm trying to enjoy my glorious high school days and all this losing is getting in the way. So come on, guys -- win one for the Benster! Irondale 28, SLP 25.

The Star Tribune says that Spring Lake Park is the favorite to win the conference this year. Of course, I don't believe a word the Star Tribune says, so I'm going to pick Irondale as well. I would like the grasshopper's high school days to be glorious, too. Especially since he won't get to use my car. Irondale 21, SLP 20.

Well, that's a good start to the season. I'm assuming that, since we'll have a few free hours over the weekend, you'll be ready to go car shopping for me. But if you buy me a Roadmaster, I'll just have to deal with it. Ben out!

1 comment:

Gino said...

O is my college team. I didnt have one before, but since i love the the state of OR so much, and i think feathers on uniforms are cool when you're the only one doing it... i now have a college team to cheer for.