Old dude, sometimes I feel like a time traveler. Do you know why?
No, but I bet I'm about to find out.
Because it seems like every month has a Game of the Century in college football. We must be in the 29th or 30th Century by now.
I hadn't thought of that, but you know what calling random college football games such things means, right?
Well, yes I do. No one understands the meaning of HYYYYYYYYYPPPPPPPE! more than I do, Geritol Fan. But when every game gets that much HYYYYYYYYYPPPPPPPE! it starts to lose power, I think.
Wow, that's pretty observant of you, Seabiscuit.
My powers of observation are pretty strong, old dude! Which is why I'm about to throw down. Watch me work!
Minnesota Golden Road-Kill (+28) vs. Sparty the Spartan. Well, if you're a Gopher fan, you have to be pleased that the Pig is staying in Minneapolis for another year. That was a nice thing to see and we're happy for Jerry the Cable Guy, er I mean Coach Kill. Well, a win over Iowa doesn't get you much love from the oddsmakers, apparently, because Sparty is favored by four touchdowns and is mad about what went down in Lincoln. What went down in Lincoln, you ask? Well, it was Sparty. After they stole that game from our beloved Badgers, they got reminded that karma can be a, ahem, female dog. I was going to say something else but I wanted to keep this family-friendly. If I were MarQueis Gray and Dajon McKnight, I would watch out for a cheap shot, considering Sparty's defense likes to dish such things out. Sparty 300, Pesky Gophers 0.
Ah, another Thermopylae reference. We'll assume that you really don't expect the Spartans to score on EVERY SINGLE PLAY, but we'll see what happens. I think Michigan State wins, but I'm not sure they'll win by four touchdowns. Michigan State 35, Gophers 17.
Purdon't Boilermakers (+25 1/2) vs. Beloved Wisconsin Badgers. My first suggestion to the Badgers is this -- no more Hail Marys, please! Leave that stuff back in church, okay? The good news is that Badgers have returned to Camp Randall Stadium, where they usually crush teams with great regularity. Purdue is an up-and-down team and they are going to be upset-minded, but they are having a difficult time stopping the run. Bad way to go into Camp Randall, especially considering that Montee Ball can score touchdowns about every few minutes. And often does. Angry Badgers 100, Purdon't 0.
You're not giving the Boilers a lot of love, then. Well, they don't really deserve much love, I suppose. Badgers should roll. Wisconsin 38, Purdue 14.
LSU Bayou Bengals (+4 1/2) vs. Alabama Roll Tide. It's the Game of the Century, November 2011 edition. The mighty titans stride upon the plains of Tuscaloosa, ready to show the world that they are the best teams in the country. At least according to the corrupt, rigged, horsehockey cartel known as the BCS. I don't know about you, but I'm really tired of the SEC and their dominance. The winner of this game has an excellent chance of reaching the BCS title game, in which they won't play Boise State. Weasels. So which team is better? I admittedly never watch Southern football, because it's no fun without Keith Jackson doing the game. And I'm really too young for Keith Jackson anyway, so why would I bother? Maybe they can find someone even older to broadcast the game. They'll probably use Verne Lundquist, who is pretty much covered in moss anyway. Roll Tide 49, Bar Fighters 42.
Allegedly these teams are very good at defense, which makes your pick interesting, young fella. From what I can tell, LSU is probably the more talented team, but Alabama is playing at home, so I'll go with them, too. Alabama 24, LSU 19.
Glorious Green Bay Packers (-5 1/2) vs. San Diego Bolts. The Packers return from their bye week with an undefeated record. Meanwhile, San Diego played on Monday night and gift-wrapped a game for the Kansas City Chiefs, thereby greatly pleasing crusty Kansas City sports guy Jack Harry. We can't get enough of Jack 'round here. Anyway, the Bolts are very mistake-prone and you can't do that against the Packers. The only question is whether or not Charles Woodson has multiple pick sixes or not. Whatever you do, don't give the Packer offense a short field. Aaron Rodgers is on a mission and he is having what might be the greatest season in NFL history. Do you really think that Quentin Jammer is going to stop him? Did the Poles stop Germany? Packers 42, Bolts 38.
Hmm, so you think it will be high scoring, then. I suppose so. I think the Packers will be able to win this, but it won't be easy. San Diego is a pretty good team and it's tough to go out to the West Coast. But I think the Pack will get it done. Packers 35, San Diego 24.
Bear Down Chicago da Bearz (+7 1/2) vs. Philadelphia LeBrons. Well, we were told at the outset of this season that the Philadelphia Eagles were clearly the best team in professional football. They were favored to win the Super Bowl, the World Cup, the World Series, Wimbledon and the Westminster Kennel Club Best in Show. Well, maybe not that last one, since I assume the Westminster folks probably have a restraining order against the Eagle quarterback Mike Vick. So maybe they'll win the Kentucky Derby instead. Anyway, they are supposed to win everything. Funny, though -- I checked the standings and the Eagles are below .500. And even if they do make the playoffs, they will probably have to start out on the road, perhaps in New Orleans. Good luck with that. And even if they get past the Saints, they will have a dose of Lambeau or maybe Jim Harbaugh awaiting them with his hand outstretched. I think the Eagles are overrated and even though I hate to say this, I hope da Bearz dagger their season. Da Bearz 17, Dream Team 3.
I'm tired of the Eagles, too, but they are dangerous. They can score and the Bears are still a pretty shaky outfit right now. A team that changes its safeties every week might not like dealing with Jeremy Macklin and Desean Jackson. Eagles 31, Bears 20.
So, old dude, if we're in another century, maybe we should break out a bad old song. I'd listen to this a little longer, but it's making me nod off. Ben out!