I guess we do, young fella.
The season is getting on these days. Kinda like you! So we don't have a lot of time to waste. So, watch me work!
Minnesota Golden Road Kill (+ 15 1/2) vs. Northwestern Fighting Fitzgeralds. So, Geritol Fan, did you get a load of that point spread? The pesky Gophers are a 15 1/2 point dog to Northwestern???? Northwestern???? I don't know that Northwestern has been favored by 15 1/2 points in all their games combined this season! Talk about a lack of respect for our friendly rodent pals! Well, let's think about why. Last week the Gophers got their butts kicked by those nasty Badgers. Now, is Northwestern nasty, too? Or has Vegas been busted? Fitzgeralds 21, Gophs 14.
Someone in Vegas must think it's 1995 or something. Northwestern has a talented quarterback in Dan Persa, but they aren't exactly a Big Ten powerhouse these days. I really wonder why the spread is that high, too. I think the Gophers will score, but Persa will score more. 15 1/2 points more? Not so sure about that.... Northwestern 38, Gophers 27.
Beloved Wisconsin Badgers (-14 1/2) vs. Illinois Fighting Zooks. I don't know if you remember this, old dude, especially given your tendency for memory lapses, but the Illini started out the year at 6-0. Did you notice their record today? They are 6-4. And in true Illini fashion, they are bringing the fail. Epic, epic, fail. So much fail that you might mistake it for HYYYYYYYPPPPPPE! Except it's the opposite of HYYYYYYYPPPPPE! It's FAAAAAAIILLL! I also noticed that Coach Ron Zook walked out of his press conference this week. Is that a sign that he'll be walked out of his office at the end of the season? Meanwhile, the Badgers, as I predicted, now control their own destiny and can get to the Rose Bowl if they win out. Do you think the Illini can beat the Badgers? Maybe. Jared Abbrederis is hurt and Peter Konz is probably out until the bowl game. The Illini have a good defensive line. That could make it interesting. But in the end, I think the Illini are going to get Zooked. Badgers 56, Chief Illiniwek 49.
Have you seen the Illini play offense, Seabiscuit? They've been having difficulty crossing the 50, let alone scoring. The Badgers will miss Konz, but it looks like Abbrederis will play. More importantly, Montee Ball and Russell Wilson will play. And the Illini will have no answer for that. Badgers 42, Illinois 20.
Penn State Fugitives from Justice (+7) vs. Ohio State Tattoo U. Man, is this game corrupt, or what? We have the miscreant Buckeyes hosting the scandal-ridden Nittany Lions, who are carrying the sins of people who are no longer part of the program, but continue to do said misdeeds. I didn't want to pick the Penn State game last week, but now that we have a little distance, we can begin to take stock of things. It's awfully tough to keep your focus when the eyes of the entire world are on your campus, so in some respects it might be a relief for Penn State to get out of the fishbowl and play someone else. Especially when that someone else is corrupt, too. Luke Fickell is learning just how fickle the Ohio State fans are. They are calling for his head after losing to Purdue. I don't know who to root for in this game, but I do know this -- it will be interesting, kinda like a train wreck is interesting. Fugitives from Justice 10, Tattoo U. 7.
I have nothing to say about these teams. Ohio State 23, Penn State 16.
Oakland Raiduhs (-1) vs. Minnesota Ponders. Well, how do the Vikings feel after they picked themselves up off the turf at Lambeau? Not very good. The Vikings made too many mistakes and you can't do that against the World Champions. Now they play the Raiduhs, who are mourning the loss of Al Davis, who successfully showed the NFL that they don't rule the world. Then again, the Raiduhs have pretty much been lousy for the last decade or so. This game features two good running backs -- Adrian Peterson for the Vikings and Darren McFadden of the Raiduhs. That's old school football. Maybe not as old school as the single wing, or whatever Tim Tebow is running out in Denver -- I think Tebow is running the flying wedge. So how do I pick this lousy game? Put it this way, if you love punters, this game is for you. Shane Lechler and Chris Kluwe, anyone? Raiduhs 7, Vikes 3.
No love for Christian Ponder? The ladies of the house will be disappointed, youngblood. I think the Vikings have problems that go well beyond the offense. They looked old and out of gas in Lambeau on Monday night and the Raiders do have some weapons, including their usual assortment of really fast guys with Roberto Duran hands. Will one of those guys catch a pass? Yeah, I think so. And that will be the difference. Raiders 24, Vikings 21.
Tampa Bay Pewter Pirates (+14) vs. Glorious Green Bay Packers. When last we saw these two teams, it wasn't pretty. The Packers went down to Tampa and lost to the Bucs, who had broken out their gawdawful Creamsicle colored uniforms for the occasion. Old dude, did the Bucs really wear those things all the time back in the day? Because I think they stole their logo from Beloit College! How do you feel about that, Decrepit? Your alma mater features the same logo as the most inept football team around? I have a feeling the Packers remember that horrible day and won't be looking past the Bucs this time. Packers 83, Bucs 0.
Uh, no. Tampa is struggling right now and I expect the Packers to win, but Tampa can play defense. Now if my beloved Beloit Bucs show up instead of the Tampa Bay Bucs, then your score might happen. But I think it will be a little tougher than you envision. Not that much tougher, though. Packers 38, Tampa 17.
San Diego Bolts (+3 1/2) vs. Bear Down Chicago da Bearz. The Chargers are in trouble, Geritol Fan! They've lost two in a row and now have the distinct pleasure of playing the Bears on the parking lot known as Soldier Field. I've been in the actual parking lot for Soldier Field and it's tough to tell it apart from the field inside the stadium. Last week da Bearz pretty much took the Lions to school, which was an interesting development, to say the least. Old Lovie Smith, who always wants to beat the Green Bay Packers, has found a way to make his team competitive again, even though they looked awful early in the year. But, this game is a trap game for da Bearz and they will finally be exposed. Bolts 24, da Bearz 16.
Interesting. San Diego can score, but they don't play a lot of defense. I think Jay Cutler is figuring things out now and while he still needs a few more weapons around him, the Bears are a dangerous team. San Diego will need to find a pass rush if they want to win. I think they won't. Bears 28, San Diego 21.
Well, on Monday it will be 16 years of Bensterism! I should probably schedule a parade. I'll talk to Brezhnev about using some of his tanks. Ben out!