Well, it looks like Decrepit finally got the computer working so here we are. This computer is as decrepit as you are, old dude!
Is that even possible?
It would appear so. But one thing never gets old and that's my ultrafresh mad predicting skills. And as always, I'm feeling the HYYYYYYYYYYYYYPPPPPPE! So let's get to it, before the Geritol fan misses his bedtime. Watch me work.
Miami (Ohio) Red Menace (+4 1/2) vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers. I decided to stop picking on Coach Jerry Kill after his unfortunate episode at the end of last week's game. We do wish him the best, but there's still the little matter that his team lost to New Mexico Freaking State, at home. That's like losing to Macalester, except maybe even more shameful. New Mexico State would have a tough time winning the MIAC, so what's up with that? Anyway, here's a chance for the Gophers to redeem themselves and get some momentum for the Big Ten schedule. Gophers 21, Miami 17.
So you're saying that the Gophers should avoid scheduling Augsburg next year? Yeah, that's probably wise. I too wish Coach Kill the best, but his team needs to step it up a notch. The Red Hawks (we know they're not the Red Menace, which would be Nebraska) are a pretty good team and Kill has a lot of knowledge about their program, since they were a nemesis for his NIU teams, about which more in a moment. Let's see if the Gophs can win one for the Killer. Gophers 17, Miami 14.
Beloved Wisconsin Badgers (-17) vs. Northern Illinois Huskies, at Soldier Field. Speaking of Jerry Kill, and dead grass, we find our Badgers playing Kill's old NIU squad at the worst field outside of the movie The Sandlot, Soldier Field in Chicago. That place looks like a dump from the outside and the grass is already shot. The Badgers are built for tearing into the turf and they'll get a good chance to do it at Soldier Field. NIU has a pretty good team -- in fact, they're probably better than Oregon State was last week. But can they stop Russell Wilson, Montee Ball, James White, Nick Toon and all the other weapons the Badgers have? Uh, no. Badgers 100, Huskies 0.
That seems a bit optimistic, grasshopper. NIU actually is pretty good and their new coach is Dave Doeren, who was on Bret Bielema's staff last year. He'll have a pretty good idea what the Badgers can do. They also have a pretty good QB in Chandler Harnish, but I suspect the Badgers will prevail. Wisconsin 45, NIU 27.
Oklahoma Boomer Sooners (-3) vs. Florida State Seminoles. The game of the week features the Sooners, who have announced that they will be making a decision about their conference affiliation next week. I understand that decision will be televised on ESPN. Let's go to one of the endless supply of ESPN lackeys right now for an update:
This is Trey Wingnut and we're here for the big announcement. Coach Bob Stoops is about to come to the podium and announce whether the Sooners will be joining the SEC, the Pac-12 or remaining in the Big XII, which is somewhat less than XII these days. Stoops is at the podium now. Sorry, we're having technical difficulties, so I'll have to transcribe his remarks.
Everyone, my name is Bob Stoops and I'm the football coach at Oklahoma University. We have decided to take our talents to St. Peter and join the MIAC Conference. There has been a gap in the conference ever since Macalester left a few years ago and we look forward to the challenge of facing our ancient rival Gustavus Adolphus. We think we can beat the Tommies, but that remains to be seen.
Wow. That's a shocker! You heard it hear first -- the Sooners have joined the MIAC. This is Trey Wingnut returning you to regular programming. Back to you, Benster!
Thank you, Trey. Dang, that's weird. Anyway, back to the game. I think Oklahoma is the better team, but Oklahoma has a habit of losing on the road to good teams. That might just happen this time. But the good news is that next year the Sooners should be favored against Augsburg. Noles 20, Chokelahoma 19.
No comment. None at all. Oklahoma 27, Florida St. 24.
Tampa Bay Creamsicles (+3) vs. Minnesota Vikings. Can I tell you a secret, old dude? Don't start Donovan McNabb on your fantasy league team! Are you kidding me? 39 yards? C'mon, man! Now comes Tampa Bay, which won 10 games last year, although I believe most of their games were against MIAC opponents. They lost to the Lions last week and have a weak secondary that maybe even McNabb can exploit. If not, I'm calling for Wade Wilson. Vikes 24, Creamsicles 10.
Okay, I think the Vikings will win, too. But this could be the most boring game in NFL history. Just sayin'. Vikings 12, Tampa 6.
Glorious Green Bay Packers (-10) vs. Carolina Newtons. So, did you see what our guy Scam Newton did last week, old dude? He threw for over 400 yards, which is about half of what Carolina threw for all last season. I'm not sure he'll do that again, especially against a Dom Capers-coached defense. Newton never saw anyone like B. J. Raji in his grill when he was playing for Au-Barn last year. Consider this one part of his education, which is a good thing because I assume he never saw a classroom during his time at Auburn. Packers 50, Fig Newton 0.
Well, that's a harsh assessment. Actually, I think Cam Newton might turn out to be pretty good. But I do think the Packers will win. Carolina won't be able to keep up with Aaron Rodgers. Not sure anyone can right now. Packers 37, Carolina 17.
Bear Down Chicago da Bearz (+7) vs. New Orleans Saints. Drew Brees threw for about 9000 yards last week but still lost. And I'm guessing he's pretty mad about that. The Saints now are in my favorite betting position, the desperate team at home. I must admit that da Bearz played very well last week against Atlanta, and I say that in all sincerity, not just because we want to make Gino like us. Da Bearz have had trouble beating good teams and their success last year was mostly based on luck -- I do think they also played a portion of their schedule in the MIAC, since it was strange that they beat St. Olaf in Week 9. The Saints wear the same colors as St. Olaf, but they ain't the Oles. Who Dat Say Dey Gonna Beat Dem Saints 35, da Bearz 17.
Jay Cutler is improving, but I still swear he's gonna get killed some day playing behind that O-line they have in Chicago. Gabe Carimi will get better, but last week they looked lost. The amazing part is that they won anyway. Bears defense is good and will keep this close. But I like the Saints, too. Saints 24, Bears 20.
Well, that seems like plenty for now. We'll leave you with a musical interlude at the end in honor of Oklahoma's momentous decision. Ben out!