Old dude, I can hear them driving up the highway. All those nasty Cornhusker fans, converging on Madison. It's a sea of Red driving right into the Red Sea. The last time anyone saw this much red, Brezhnev was waving to it on the balcony!
Madison politics aren't that bad, young fella.
Old dude, I'm not talking about politics! I'm talking about a game that really brings the HYYYYYYPPPPPPPE! It's Nebraska, coming to Wisconsin, starting their new career in the Big Ten! ESPN Game Day is there! Lee Corso will be wearing something stupid on his head!
Well, that happens every week.
Good point, Geritol Fan, but I'm better than Lee Corso. My picking methods may seem weird, but I never wear stupid stuff on my head, unless you count that Brewers cap you made me wear during Little League.
Let's be nice to the Brew Crew there, young fella. How did the Twins end up, anyway?
Well, based on what I saw, they finished behind Scranton/Wilks-Barre. But that's not why you're here, silly old person! Watch me work!
Minnesota Golden Gaffers (+20) vs. Michigan Hail to the Vanquished. I dunno, old dude -- are the Wolverines for real? They don't have RichRod to kick around any more, but they do have Brady Hoke, which may rhyme with Joke, but no one is laughing. Our Gophers lost to Jamestown College last week, or some school up in NoDak, it really doesn't matter which one. That's no good. So does anyone here really think the Gophers are going to win in the Big House and bring back the Jug? Or are they going to get jugged? Well, I know what I think. Go Blue 63, Gophers 35.
Well, it doesn't look like Jerry Kill was kidding when he said the rebuilding process is going to take time. I don't think the Gophers actually played Jamestown College, but Seabiscuit's point is a good one -- if you are a legitimate Big Ten school, you have no business losing to a school in North Dakota, South Dakota or any other Dakota you can think of. Denard Robinson will have big day. MarQueis Gray? Maybe not so much. Michigan 42, Minnesota 17.
Nebraska Cornhuskers (+9 1/2) vs. Beloved Wisconsin Badgers. They've been talking about this ever since the game appeared on the schedule last year. Nebraska, the mighty powerhouse from the Great Plains, joins the Big Ten and starts out in Mad City! I actually had to do some research on Nebraska, since we haven't paid attention to them until now. It turns out they wear red uniforms. Did you know that, Decrepit? And the last time the Badgers played Nebraska, it was 1974, a time of economic upheaval and scandal-plagued government. Kinda like now, actually. But I digress. The key to this game is simple: can the Badgers stop Taylor Martinez? Martinez is known for his running ability, but he only completes half of his passes. These days, that's not so good. It might have worked when the Cornhuskers were trotting out Irving Fryar and Tommy Frazier and people like that, but this is 2011. And the Badgers can match Nebraska with failed second baseman Russell Wilson, who might be the best quarterback in the nation not named Andrew Luck. Wilson has shown some running ability, too, but he also is completing about 75% of his passes. Nebraska won't like that very much. The key is for the Badgers to jump on Nebraska early and force the Cornhuskers to play catch-up. I'd also recommend that the Badgers get a couple of hits on Martinez early. Bucky 42, Herbie Husker 38.
So you don't see much defense happening, then? Well, someone will have to play defense. And I think it will be the Badgers. It's hard to argue with the young fella's analysis, but I think it will be more likely that the Badgers can stop Martinez than that the Cornhuskers can stop Wilson. Wisconsin 38, Nebraska 27.
Minnesota First Half Wonders (-1 1/2) vs. Kansas City Chefs. As our old pal Jack Harry would ask, "what's wrong with the Chiefs?" Well, let me clue you in, Jack -- the Chiefs pretty much stink. They might be the worst team in the National Football League. The Vikings remind me of Domino's Pizza: if you go beyond 30 minutes, you automatically win! And since they play games for 60 minutes in the NFL, the Vikings always seem to lose. Maybe this time, they should let the Chiefs go to the lead and try to rally in the second half. Or maybe the Vikings could get a new stadium or something. Vikings 63, Chefs 0.
Well, I suppose if the Vikings score 63 points in the first half, they'll probably win. I've seen parts of all their games and what's been happening to the Purple is very strange. But the Chiefs might be historically bad this season, based on the early results. Arrowhead is normally a tough place to win, but I think the Vikings stop the bleeding on Sunday. If not, it's going to be Christian Ponder time pretty quick. Vikings 27, Chiefs 17.
Denver Tebows (+12 1/2) vs. Glorious Green Bay Packers. Speaking of bad teams, let us now consider the curious case of the Denver Broncos. They are trying to decide whether or not to use Kyle Orton or Tim Tebow as their quarterback. That's like the Union Army choosing between McClellan and Burnside. Either way, it's not gonna go too well for ya. My Packers are a little banged up right now, but is there any reason to believe that the Broncos will win in Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood? Uh, no. World Champs 35, Army of the Potomac 17.
Nothing like a little Civil War dissing for your football picks, eh? Let's just say that I agree with the young historian. Packers 42, Denver 20.
Carolina Fig Newtons (+6 1/2) vs. Bear Down Chicago da Bearz. Well, it's time for me to cater to Gino. We can throw our California-based blogger pal a bone here, because da Bearz are now safely in the rearview mirror of the Packers, at least for now. I still think Jay Cutler is a human pinata and almost feel sorry for him. It's as though the Bears cloned Allen "Swinging Gate" Barbre and put 5 versions along the offensive line. But then I watched the Giants get a bunch of sacks on YouTube and my sympathies stopped. I'll tell you this, though -- Cutler is lucky that he hasn't gotten a concussion yet. Or maybe he has and we can't tell the difference. Da Bearz 17, Scam Newton 13.
That sounds about right. I think the Bears will confuse young Mr. Newton a lot, but there's no reason to believe that the Bears will be able to score that much. Bears win. Bears 20, Panthers 12.
We could pick more games, but frankly, the HYYYYYYYYYYYYPPPPPPPPE! is clogging up the screen. It should be fun, but I'm going to do the proper thing and hang out with my friends at the Irondale High School Homecoming Dance on Saturday night instead of watching the Sea of Red/Cornmageddon. I might even talk to some girls. Heh heh heh. Ben out!