Okay, so we're 1-0 because the glorious, beloved, superoutstanding Green Bay Packers were able to stop Drew Brees and win the game. It was even a game that lived up to the HYYYYYYPPPPE!
That's true, Seabiscuit. Heckuva game.
What the heck is "heckuva," old dude? That must be some of that 23-skidoo, bee's knees slang that you hepcats used to use back in the day, right? I'll bet you know the lyrics to "Freddie the Freshman," even! My goodness, I'd better check your packaging because I think you're past the sell-by date!
Are you through?
I could go on, but I've made my point. Now we have some football to pick. Watch me work.
New Mexico State Aggies (+20) vs. Minnesota Golden Road-Jerry Kill. Well, old Jerry the Cable Guy got off to a fine start in his first game as the Gopher head coach. They gave Lane (I Get Jobs Because My Dad is Smarter Than Me) Kiffin a run for his money, or maybe that's the USC boosters' money, but I digress. So now the Gophers play the mighty Aggies of New Mexico State, perhaps the worst college football program outside of, well, Minnesota. And the wise guys in Vegas have given the Gophers a huge point spread to beat. I think that looking at recent history, this is trap game for the Gophers. They tend to lose games they should win, and lose games they should lose. Kill's job is to change that culture of defeatism, brought to you by the French Army, circa 1940. And Joel Maturi, too. Aggies 17, TLC Network 14.
Wow, no love for our man Jerry, huh? I think the Gophers will win. Not sure they'll cover that spread, but they'll win. I think Marqueis Gray will have a nice day. Gophers 31, NMSU 17.
Oregon State Buck Toothed Varmints (+20 1/2) vs. Beloved Wisconsin Badgers. Yosemite Sam shoots himself in the foot all the time, and so did Oregon State last week, losing to Sacramento Freaking State on their own field. You just don't lose to Sacramento Freaking State, now do ya, punk? So what is going to happen to the Beavers when they encounter the Badgers? I don't think they ever set up that matchup on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, but I'm too young to remember that show. Let's just say that the Badgers might be really good. And let's just say that Oregon State might be really not so good. Bucky 100, Buck Toothed Varmints 0.
We once again say, uh... no. Oregon State has to be embarrassed about losing to Sacramento State and they'll try to up their game. Camp Randall is a tough place to make amends, though. I want to see if Russell Wilson can duplicate what he did last time. If he can, look out. Wisconsin 37, Oregon State 20.
Minnesota Vikings (+8 1/2) vs. San Diego Chargers. Not a lot of love for the local team in this point spread, huh Decrepit? The Vikings have Donovan McNabb as their quarterback now, because apparently Brett Favre is really, finally, truly, not kidding, retired. Either that or he sent the text he meant for Jenn Sterger to Zygi Wilf or something. Donovan McNabb isn't known for texting pictures of his various anatomical features to anyone, but he's rumored to like Chunky Soup. Draw your own conclusions. As for the game, who knows? The Vikings were hard to read during the preseason and the Chargers typically think the season starts in November, so I think this could be closer than the Vegas guys think. Vikings 63, Bolts 60.
Well, that's different. Actually, I think you might be on to something, grasshopper. I don't think San Diego plays very good defense and the Vikings should be able to do some scoring. The thing is, Phillip Rivers is a monster when he's on. I think the game is a shootout, too. Not the sort of track meet you suspect, though. San Diego 34, Vikings 28.
Hotlanta Falcons (-3) vs. Bear Down Chicago da Bearz. So, tell me this, Bears fans (and yes, I mean you Gino). How do you feel about your team being a home underdog after they just played in the NFC Championship Game? I tell ya, no respect. Then again, I don't have any respect for the Bears, either, but I'm trying to be objective here. Both these teams lost to the Packers in the playoffs last year. Did I mention that before? I'll bet I did. Sorry if I'm covering old ground and throwing salt in old wounds. But anyway, back to the game. Jay Cutler has been waiting for a photo opportunity, a shot at redemption (but don't call him Al) ever since half the league called him out on Twitter during the game back in January. Will he get his redemption against the Falcons? Or will he end up in a cartoon graveyard? Dirty Birds 35, da Bearz 0.
I'll take it you think he's in the cartoon graveyard, then. Fair enough. I think the Bears have a lot to prove, but I wonder if they have enough bullets left. I'm pretty sure I saw Olin Kreutz playing at Lambeau Field last night, but those weren't the Bears on the field. If the Bears don't win this one, they could be looking at an 0-3 start with the Saints and Packers on the docket after this one. So I'll go with the Bears. Bears 24, Falcons 21.
We were going to pick the Lions game, but really, who cares? Now before you watch football, please think about what happened 10 years ago this Sunday. I was in kindergarten when that happened, but I thank God every day that I'm an American. Ben out.