Oh, don't worry about me, grasshopper. I'm fully caffeinated.
Good, for a second there I thought rigor mortis was kicking in. I mean, you look like this:
I was ready to give him a nine-pence and everything.
I'm getting better.
Based on your picks, I don't think that's accurate. But you'll be stone dead in a minute. Watch me work!
Michigan State Sparty the Spartan (-8.5) vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers. I don't know if you realize this, old dude, but Sparty has to win this game to get a bowl bid. That's probably why they're favored, even though they are on the road and have been very inconsistent and lucky this season. Our Gophers are dealing with the first controversy of Jerry Kill's tenure. It turns out that A. J. Barker wasn't very happy with our man Jerry the Cable Guy and threw a temper tantrum. A 4,000 word temper tantrum. I think it took less words for the Japanese to surrender after Nagasaki. But since A. J. Barker won't be catching any bombs for the Gophers any more, what will Phillip Nelson do? Throw to someone else, I suppose. Gophers 23, Sparty 17.
Knocking the Spartans out of the Carter's Little Liver Pills Bowl, then? Well, that would be a sight. I think Sparty wins, because let's face it, a potential trip to the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl might require a heaping helping of Carter's Little Liver Pills. A bitter pill for Jerry Kill, I say. Michigan State 20, Gophers 13.
Beloved Wisconsin Badgers (+3) vs. Penn State Nittany Lions. Somehow Penn State has managed to have a pretty good season despite the scandals galore and the death of JoePa. I give Bill O'Brien all the credit in the world, but now the rumors are that he might be headed back to the NFL, which means that the Nittany Lions will get their chance to ride out the sanctions to come with another coach. Here's an idea:
Oops -- it looks like I posted the "Bring Out Your Dead" video again. Sorry for the error. Badgers 17, Penn State 10.
Get that chili hot, boys! Oh, who doesn't love Coach Brew? Well, aside from about 4.5 million Minnesotans, that is. Anyway, as for the Badgers, I think they'll win, too. They want to head into the championship game on the right foot. And Montee Ball has a record to get, too. Wisconsin 31, Penn State 21.
Minnesota Vikings (NL) vs. Bear Down Chicago da Bearz. So, we're still not sure if Jay Cutler can play this week. I also understand that Jason Campbell is hurt, too. So that means the Bears have brought in another old reliable:
Oops -- I think I posted the "Bring Out Your Dead" video again. My apologies. As for the game, if Cutler plays, the Bears have a good chance. If not, forget it. Vikings 7, da Bearz 0.
Peter Tom Willis? I assume there was no Henry Burris footage available. Oh, those wacky Bears quarterbacks. Anyway, you're probably right -- without Cutler, the Bears are a hot mess. I think they'll wheel him out, because if they don't, their season is in big trouble. They'd better get Jared Allen blocked, though. They might want to triple team him. Bears 24, Vikings 21.
Glorious Green Bay Packers (+2.5) vs. New York Football Giants. I have been waiting for this game for months. Months, old dude -- months! I have been saving up an enormous well of HYYYYYYYYYPPPPPPE! for this game. Simply stated, we owe these clowns a beat down. As it happens, the Giants are in the middle of one of their yearly swoons where they have a tough time beating anyone. And, as it happens, the Packers have plenty of bulletin board material from the New York media. Case in point -- an article by some fellow named Filip Bondy, who writes for the New York Daily News. He said the following:
The Green Bay Packers are supposed to be all warm and cuddly, full of small-town, winter-wonderland charm. In reality, they are a dastardly, untrustworthy group of bullies.Did you catch that? A columnist in New York is calling our small-town heroes bullies? What a maroon! He forgets too easily that the Packers have the won the last three times they've played in New York. He also forgets that anyone who lives in New York cannot, by definition, be an underdog. And he also forgets that you never give Aaron Rodgers a chance to exact revenge. Because he will. And Eli Manning? It's true that you can't spell "elite" without Eli. But you also can't spell ineligible without Eli, or "lie" for you anagram fans. Packers 56, New York Media 24.
You've had that article clipped and tacked up to your bulletin board since last season, so I know you take that sort of thing personally. I wouldn't take Bondy too seriously, though -- he's just another in a long line of tabloid assassins in the New York newspaper wars. As for the game itself, I think it will be tough. The Packers are pretty banged up on defense and that makes me nervous. The Giants have had a week to sort things out and I think they'll be tough to beat this week. After this game, it's back to the division for the Packers and those are the games that matter. Giants 37, Packers 31.
Curt Schilling once said that one of his favorite things to do was to make 55,000 people in New York shut up. I'll bet Aaron Rodgers likes to do that, too. Ben out!