As you may know, the "Dilettante Family" (which includes Mr. D, Mrs. D, Benster, and yours truly) recently went on a spectacular family vacation. We stayed a day and a half in Louisville, and 3 and a half days in Cincinnati. I could go in to detail about the super awesome stuff we did, but this is a "tips for travel," not a "Fearless Maria gives you a detailed account of a family vacation down to the exact minute with no breaks or intermission." So, here we go!
Louisville Tips!
- The Lincoln Museum and Boyhood home are for wimps. (No offense.)
- Don't touch the cabin inside the Lincoln Memorial.
- Be prepared for Bob Evans, Waffle House, and Cracker Barrel. Further investigation is needed to see if they may be involved in the great "Sit-Down Breakfast Joint Conspiracy."
- The Kentucky Derby Museum and Churchill Downs are great places to visit. If you are a wacko and enjoy scarring kids for life, take young children to the exhibit which explains what goes on in the infield.
- The McDonald's near the University of Louisville campus is a good place to channel Jake's ex-girlfriend from the Blues Brothers (yes, I've seen it) -- you'll have to wait forever for your food.
- The Louisville Slugger Factory is a great place for people who hate loud noises and the smell of wood (psych). And people who always drop stuff should definitely hold Mickey Mantle's bat...
- Don't expect to go to Rocky's Italian Grill in Jeffersonville, Indiana, on a Saturday night unless you can't throw away five years of your life waiting for a table. Go to Bearno's Pizza instead and get the cinnamon sticks.
Remember! It's lou-vul, not lou-e-ville!
Cincinnati Tips!
- The steps in Eden Park are great for your calves.
- Beware of naughty clowns in the Cincinnati Art Museum.
- If you make a wrong turn, you may end up in "the hood." Exit 2 on I-75 is not the same as Exit 2 on I-71.
- Don't use a green ball at the World of Golf miniature golf course on hole ten. Doom shall come...
- The Air Force Museum (in Dayton) will take the average person hours to complete. Any plane loving person may as well bring their sleeping bag and money to buy the freeze-dried astronaut food -- they'll be there awhile!
- Everyone hates the Fast Lane at King's Island Amusement Park. Except the jerks who are in it, of course.
- The King's Island gumballs may or may not actually be tiny explosives implanted by terrorists.
- The Underground Railroad Museum and Freedom Center is a powerful place. Contrary to popular belief, they don't have KKK spies hidden in the basement (we think).
- Great American Ballpark is a beautiful place, and the fans are dedicated and friendly. Come for a great time and FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
- Jungle Jim's (a six acre grocery store with food from around the globe, huge cheese selection, a wall of hot sauce, produce the size of three farmers markets,etc.) is where people on diets either make it or break it. Bringing small children to their Candy Castle is the equivalent of a ticket to h-e-double hockey sticks.
- If you go to the William Howard Taft house, you'll be inspired. Remember that Roosevelt disagreed with how Taft ran things, and created the Progressive Party. Flo, therefore, goes bug-eyed when she sees the house and refuses to go in.
- Graeter's (an awesome ice cream place) is great, but Better's is better, but Better's is greater, and Graeter's is betters. Anyone who understood that gibberish deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.
Well, that concludes my tips for travel! I hope that you will follow them with your life...or else...
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