Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends.
Are you really going to quote Emerson Lake & Palmer lyrics, Ben?
Apparently, Decrepit. Might I remind you that, even though we tied last week, I would have beaten you if that Ravens field goal kicker hadn't choked. I think that the Benster Curse has struck again!
Well, mostly it's been your picks that have been cursed, Seabiscuit, but every week gives you a chance to redeem yourself. Not that you have, but --
Okay, wise guy. Let's get down to bidness.
Minnesota Golden Rodents (+16 1/2) vs. The Ohio State University Buckeyes. Who writes the odds? If you have been reading this series regularly, and you'd better have been, Ohio State has appeared a couple of times in the past and it seems that when they are in Columbus, the odds are always 15 points or more. This time I'm going to have to agree with Vegas. Minnesota has no offense to speak of, and with the game in Columbus, there's just no hope. Buckeyes 50, Golden Rodents 3.
That seems a bit harsh, Sparky, but I agree -- the Gophers have lost whatever offensive punch they used to have. Adam Weber has been a good quarterback, but he seems confused and tenative now. No surprise -- this is about the 3rd system he's learned since he came to the U. It's too bad, really, because Weber has a lot of talent. But the Buckeyes have more. Ohio State 31, Gophers 10.
Penn State Paternos (-4 1/2) vs. Meeshegan Wolverines. It's intimidating to play in the Big House, but as I've said repeatedly, Penn State is one of the best teams in the nation and will probably win the Big Ten. Fielding Yost has been dead for a long time and this is no "Point a Minute" squad, so unlike the fight song, Meeshegan (which is how Yost pronounced it) will not be the Victors, nor the Champions of the West this time. Penn State 31, Meeshegan 20.
Good history lesson there, grasshopper! And you are right -- there's a lot of history in Ann Arbor. The problem is that recent history hasn't been so good for Go Blue. And I suspect you're correct that Penn State is the better team. But not by much. Penn State 24, Michigan 23.
Texas Longhorns (-13) vs. Missouri Tigers. Decrepit picked this game and he has a reason, which I don't know. I don't know anything about Missouri, because I'm a Big Ten guy, but I do know something about Texas. I know about Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley, who are the Big XII's version of Adam Weber and Eric Decker, but more talented. The eyes of Texas will be all over Missouri and will show the Show-Me State a few things. Horns 50, Mizzou 0.
Since my Badgers are on bye this week, I picked this game as a courtesy to my friend the Night Writer, who is a proud graduate of Mizzou and now is likely cursing (in a very polite and erudite way) my wayward offspring. You know what, Ben? Mizzou is actually pretty good. And I think they'll do much better than you think. How confident am I? This confident. Mizzou 31, Texas 27.
Minnesota Vikings (+ 4 1/2) vs. Pittsburgh Stillers. All good things must come to an end. The Vikings are going to be unmasked, because Pittsburgh has Troy "Impossible Hair" Polamalu. I mean seriously, how much gel does he use to keep that hair going? With hair like that, he ought to be on the Packers! But all beauty products aside, Pittsburgh gets Willie Parker back and they still have Rashard Mendenhall, who has done very well in Parker's absence. The Steelers are going to forge the Vikings. And it ain't gonna be pretty. Stillers 40, Vikings 10.
Really? You're serious, right? The Vikings are doing pretty well this year, although they've been pretty lucky twice so far. The football gods will eventually turn on them and it could be as soon as this week. But it won't be 40-10 -- this much I know. Steelers 27, Vikings 19.
Glorious Green Bay Packers (-9) vs. Cleveland Burnt Siennas. Apparently Cleveland is still in the league, although if you checked the end zone, you'd wonder. With the exception of Joshua Cribbs on special teams, the Browns need a GPS to find the end zone on offense. Their defense is like Swiss Cheese and apparently the Packers got Ahman Green back this week. He could become the leading rusher in franchise history soon. Especially against the Browns. Packers 49, Cleveland 14.
The Browns aren't too good these days. That much is true. The Packers aren't as good as I'd like them to be. That is unfortunately true, too. But they'll have enough to win this game. And maybe, since they're getting all nostalgic and bringing back old players, maybe they can find a place for Tiger Greene or Harlan Huckleby. Or even John Hadl -- bet it wouldn't take 5 draft picks to get that dude these days. Packers 31, Browns 10.
Bear Down Chicago Da Bearz (+1) vs. Cincinnati Bungles (Who No Longer Bungle That Much Any More). Hey Bears fans! It's your worst nightmare! You're going to have to play against Cedric Benson. And Cincy is no longer the home of the Bungles. However, unfortunately Cedric, you're not going to get your revenge. I have to do something nice for Gino and Rich, who have suffered enough abuse from me. This one's for you, guys! Da Bearz 28, Bengals 21.
Actually, I like the Bears in this game too, youngblood. The Bengals have been winning games with their defense, but they lost their best defender to injury last week. It will be tougher to get a pass rush without Antwan Odom and I suspect that Jay Cutler will rebound from yet another lousy Sunday Night performance. Da Bearz 31, Bengals 24.
I think I'm likely being targeted by a bunch of people now, so if I'm on America's Most Wanted, don't be surprised.
I always wanted to have a famous son. Maybe not quite this way, though. But what the heck, it's amusing....