Thursday, April 29, 2010

Guilty Pleasures Part Sixty-Seven -- Fearless Maria Has Had Enough of Creepy Guys

Fearless Maria is in the house and she's got something to say, as usual.

Hi everybody, I'm Fearless Maria without any Drells, and I'm from the Twin Cities, and I can dance and sing as good as I want! In the Twin Cities, we have a new dance and it's called the Tighten Up! Hey, wait a minute, that's not a new dance! That's from like the 1870s or something, right? (Only joking!)

I hope so, Maria -- many of our readers are old enough to remember the Drells and they weren't around in the 1870s!

Hmm -- I would think that our host does, too! Are you really that old, Dad? Or maybe I'm losing it, but we all know that can't happen.

Well, I suppose when you're 10, everyone else seems a little old.

And you know what's really getting old, Dad? At school there so many creepy and annoying boys that I have to deal with!

Creepy boys, you say?

Why of course! We all know girls aren't creepy, unless they're impersonating a boy! It's all so logical!

Well, we'll have to ignore some evidence to fit your theory, Maria. But that does give us a topic for tonight.

Don't tell me -- you're not going to show me creepy boys? Dad, you know not to do that! It's in Fearless Maria's Book of Laws for Her Parents. Turn to Page 74, Rule 157: Parents are forbidden to show creepy videos to their wonderful daughter named Fearless Maria! Didn't you read the book? I would have hoped that you had....

Well, okay. But now all those creepy boys out in the wings who are waiting to entertain your vast audience are all crying and their mascara is running.

Well, we can't have that, or else our living room will look like that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico! Okay Dad, which weirdo do you have up first?

Okay, why don't we go in the order the songs came out. The first one is from 1969 and it features the British band Jethro Tull, who had a flute player with weird eyes as lead singer:

Oh my goodness -- if those guys were living in the past and they were creepy, then that means that the boys in my school must be related to them! Their ancestors have passed the creepiness through their genes!

So do any of the boys in your class play the flute?

No, but some of them have bad teeth like this guy, but at least they have braces now!

We're hardly done with bad teeth, Maria. Trust me on that one. Anyway, these next two guys are a package deal -- this is Joe Cocker and Leon Russell, from way back when, singing a song originally done by the much less creepy Box Tops:

Dad, Joe Cocker looks like Sirius Black on Harry Potter! Well, everything except the mustache. Joe Cocker doesn't seem to have a mustache. Leon Russell kinda looks like he could be from ZZ Top or something! They're definitely a creepy pair! I hope you don't get creepier than that, Dad!

Oh, I can get far creepier, Maria. Check these dudes out:

Dad, the keyboard player guy with the Charlie Chaplin mustache has the right idea -- look away from the humiliating scene! That's also a really irritating song. So who the heck are those guys anyway?

The name of that band is Sparks and they were pretty big in England in the 1970s. Believe it or not, that was a huge hit. And the guy with the mustache and the weird singer are actually brothers.

Now that's a story. If I had brothers like those guys, I'd really hate it! Makes me appreciate Benster! He's not nearly that creepy, even if he talks about releasing the Kraken and HYYYPPE!

That's part of my job -- keeping things in perspective for you, Maria.

Okay, Dad. What's next?

Try these guys -- it's the always mopey Robert Smith and his pals from the Cure:

Hmmm. Dear Audience: please observe this scene -- it is very rare that you will ever run into a bunch of real cats who would tolerate being petted by a bunch of doggy looking boys wearing mascara and who sound like they should be singing the McDonald's commercials. As in "ba ba ba baaaa bah, I'm loving it." But I'll bet Gino votes for this one because he likes kitties. And the cats are much better looking than the band!

That's true, Maria. Meanwhile, around the same time, we had these dudes, including the second guy who likes wearing a codpiece. And that's pretty much creepy by definition. It's Cameo:

So Dad -- have you heard about the big drop in candy sales? All the candy's gone rotten and none of the kids want to eat it. So now no one will sing about candy except these guys (who are not in the contest).

Good thing, too, because Gino would vote for those guys for sure. Gino loves the singer for that band.

So let me get this straight, Dad -- we might be featuring creepy guys, but the creepy guys like stuff that Gino likes! But Gino's not creepy! I know him -- he's normal! Just like the rest of our audience, I hope! They all seem normal enough to me, unless there's some Martian guy who's been commenting. . . .

Well, I don't know about Mars, Maria, but I do know that you could find some creepy things down the rabbit hole. Like this:

I wouldn't come around there any more, Dad! Tom Petty sure makes an odd Mad Hatter. But you know what else is odd? That this post is over! So pick your favorites in the comment section, people! Whether you like Love Cats or Mad Hatters, just pick something, okay!


Gino said...

its a tough one this week.
the old guy in me wants to go with jethro tull, who i love.

the younger man i sometimes think i am wants to vote for the cure, because they were a favorite in the 80's, and still are for the youngerish folks today.

so, can i vote for annabella?

Mr. D said...

so, can i vote for annabella?

You've been voting for her since at least 1982, Gino. Why stop now?

W.B. Picklesworth said...

Faith is horrified by all of them. I was particularly horrified by the codpiece. I'll cast my vote for Robert Smith and Co. because they almost seemed normal in this context.

Mr. D said...

Sorry we horrified you guys. Pop culture is that way some times.