Friday, November 05, 2010

Benster and D Pick Your Games -- Noooooo! Edition

Look, we have to do this, people! You know that Packer fans are feeling the HYYYYYYYPPPPE!

Yep. And even if they weren't, you wouldn't let that persist, now would you Youngblood?

In the words of Rupert Murdoch, NO! But now we need to pick some games, or maybe I should say it's time to kick your butt again, Decrepit?

Unfortunately, you could say that. Roll that beautiful bean footage:

Minnesota Golden Roadkill (+24) vs. Sparty the Spartan. I bet somewhere a Gopher fan is poking holes in a Tim Brewster voodoo doll. What a mess this goofball left behind! I bet Jeff Horton feels like the maid cleaning up after Led Zeppelin came through the hotel, but I don't want to see him wearing a maid uniform. Are we clear on that? Good. As for the game, Michigan State is angry after getting Rickrolled (or should I say RickyStanziRolled?) in Iowa City last week. The Gophers have less career prospects than Rick Astley does right now, although Adam Weber should get his obligatory garbage time touchdown pass after the Gophers are down by a bazillion or so. This is Sparta 300, Gophers 7.

That score won't happen, but I'm guessing you knew that and just couldn't resist the joke. Unfortunately, the Gophers are a pretty bad joke, too. The Spartans will be angry and it won't go well for our unfortunate locals. Michigan State 42, Gophers 17.

Beloved Wisconsin Badgers (-20) vs. Purdon't Boilermakers. The Boilermakers are a long ways away from Drew Brees. They're on their fourth quarterback, who might be Nancy Drew for all I know. Even Carmen Sandiego might be enough if they can find her. Or maybe we should get Waldo involved? ¿Dónde está Waldo? No matter what, the Boilermakers are feeling lost, even at home. Badger Badger Badger 50, Purdon't 0.

The Badgers have played well recently, but I'm shocked to see a 20 point line in their favor for a Big Ten road game. The Boilers are hurting, but I don't think the Badgers are going to win by 20. Maybe 17? Wisconsin 34, Purdue 17.

TCU Horned Frogs (-4 1/2) vs. Utah Utes. I may have mentioned that I really hate the BCS. Here are two teams that are outside the BCS. Both are undefeated. Both would kick a lot of BCS-eligible schools where it hurts. And yet one of these teams will be out of the BCS bowls after this game is over. My theory is that Oregon will be the only BCS school that is undefeated at the end of the year and Boise State will win out. So maybe both of these schools are out of luck. Do we need a playoff? You kiddin' me? Of course we need a playoff, ya jackwagon! Utes 28, TCU 27.

I have no idea how to pick this game. Utah joins the Pac-10 next year so they'll get to sit at the adult table going forward. So for no other reason than to disagree with the Benster, I'll go with the Horned Frogs, who always deserve mention just for being the Horned Frogs. TCU 31, Utah 24.

Arizona Iced Tea (+8 1/2) vs. Minnesota Rolling Stones. Why Rolling Stones, you ask? Well, they gather no Moss, of course! What a spectacle this team is! I'm reminded of what happened a few years back, at the very end of the 2003 season. Say it with me, kids -- NOOOOOOOO! Wow, that never gets old! Anyway, this year P.A. is probably wondering why his favorite quarterback still has a cell phone contract. The Vikings will have to readjust to life without Randy, who has been exiled to Nashville, where he's likely spending most of his time annoying people at the Grand Ole Opry. If that's not bad enough, Percy Harvin might not be able to go, which means we might get our first look at the immortal Hank Baskett. The Vikings will win because they are a desperate team at home. And a weird one, too. Don't Text Me, Bro 20, Nate Poole Nation 17.

Moss had better watch it -- if he washes out in Nashville that means his next stop is Branson. Maybe he can be the opening act for Jim Stafford or something. Anyway, as for the game, I really have no idea what the Vikings are going to do. The Cardinals are using Derek Anderson as their quarterback, which is essentially a form of surrender. I think the Vikes play well this week and win easily, although it would hardly surprise me if they cough up another hairball. Vikings 34, Cardinals 14.

Dallas How 'Bout Them Cowboahs (+8) vs. Glorious Green Bay Packers. So if the Packers have a bunch of guys in St. Vincent Hospital, do you think that the Cowboys have Tony Romo staying in St. Landry's? That's right, Tony Romo is out, which means the Cowboys come to town with Jon Kitna as their quarterback. That's a lot like going to Vegas and seeing Frank Sinatra Jr. I do expect Wade Phillips to get fired pretty soon and the Cowboys can go after some fast-talking southern coach like Mack Brown or something like that. Meanwhile, the Packers are getting better and that's not good news for the boys from Big D, especially considering the Packers were able to shut out the Jets in New Jersey last week, with guys they picked up off the street. Green Bay 49, Fire Wade Phillips 0.

One problem with your theory, Benster -- the Pack did pitch a shutout last week, but they only scored 9 points themselves. Of course, that's enough to beat the point spread. So what the heck. Packers 9, Cowboys 0.

Bear Down Chicago da Bearz (-3) vs. Buffalo Bills, in Toronto. The way the Bills have been playing, maybe they can be the opening act for Randy Moss in Branson. They evidently meet the standards for substandard performance. Oh, Canada indeed -- if the NFL keeps sending games this bad to Canada, don't be surprised if Ottawa breaks off diplomatic relations sometime soon. I wouldn't be surprised if the Bills are turned back by Customs. The good news for da Bearz is that Buffalo doesn't have anyone who can rush the passer, although the way da Bearz block, it's possible that anyone in the stands in Rogers Centre will be able to sack Jay Cutler. Ditka, Ditka! 70, On the run from the Mounties 0.

Can't argue with you, this isn't the most attractive way to feature the NFL across the border. The Bears are a mess right now and while Buffalo has improved recently, they are 0-7 on merit. And after the Bears are done with them, I'm thinking 0-8. Bears 17, Bills 10.

I wouldn't be surprised if Jeff Horton gets kicked into a random pit in East Lansing. Some people would argue that East Lansing itself is a random pit, but not me. But I could be persuaded to think so. I would also add that C. J. Spiller shouldn't be thrown into a Mountie prison, because he's on my fantasy football team. Ben out!

1 comment:

Gino said...

the bills have had likley the toughest 7 opponents possible so far, and they taken two of them to overtime.
they wont be pushovers.

the bears cant even win at home, you think the road will be any kinder?
and cutler can get sacked by his own o-line.

bills cant defend against the run, and martz will definately know this, and abandon it anyway, relying on the pass instead.

13-10 Bills