I'm going to be out dancing this evening, old dude!
You don't dance, do you?
Oh, I'll be rockin' it at the Sadie Hawkins Dance at school tonight. So don't come looking for me. Because I'll be showing the world my pure, true Bensterness. But first I have to kick your butt on football picks again. Are you ready, Metamucil Maven?
If you insist.
Minnesota Golden Roadkill (+21) vs. Illinois Fighting Zooks. I'm pretty sure that Illinois scored more points last week in Ann Arbor than the Gophers scored in the last month. Even though Adam Weber remains the undisputed king of Garbage Time, he can't play defense or kick field goals, to name a few other things that the Gophers don't do well. Gophers lose, enough said. Fighting Zooks 50, Roadkill 17.
I've heard that Adam Weber might give way to a little more of Marqueis Gray in this game. I must say this -- Adam Weber is probably the guy who has been messed over more than any other in the chaos at the U. If this guy had gone to a school with some stability, he'd probably be a 2nd or 3rd round draft pick for the NFL, but I'm not sure what's going to happen to him now. I hope he enjoyed the rest of his college experience, because it won't get better down in Champaign-Urbana tomorrow. Illinois 41, Gophers 20.
Indiana Wants Me, Lord I Can't Go Back There (+21 1/2) vs. Beloved Wisconsin Badgers. Before we go any further, it must be said -- that song really stinks, old dude! No wonder Indiana never wins football games. It must be tough to overcome the outright wimpitude of that awful balladry. I'm picturing the Indiana quarterback, whose name also happens to be Ben, trying to throw a football while simultaneously trying to play the string section part of that awful song. Won't work, dude! This game is obviously not in Gary, which is really good. I've now seen Gary and I don't want to go back there, whether Indiana wants me or not. Nice slag heaps, though! Of course, the Indiana football team is a bit of a slag heap, too. And they will get run over by Montee Ball or James White or whoever else happens to show up in Madison. Badger Badger Badger 70, R. Dean Taylor 0.
Fearless Maria just wandered by and said "Like that's gonna happen." She's right. It's not gonna happen. But the Badgers should win easily, since Indiana seems to think defense is optional. Not a good way to win in the Big Ten. Wisconsin 45, Indiana 17.
Penn State Paternos (+18) vs. The Ohio State University Buckeyes. Plus 18? For Penn State? C'mon, man! JoePa's not gonna take that lyin' down. You have to wonder if Penn State is hung over from the JoePa fest last week against Northwestern, where they roared back from a 21-point deficit to score, what was it, about 900 points? Something like that. However, the Lions are like Washington -- they just can't make up their mind about who's in charge. Which quarterback will they use this week? My partner in this enterprise thinks it's going to be Chuck Fusina. I may need to check your meds, Decrepit! Knights of Columbus 50, Come to Penn State 2.
Hmmm. I don't think 18 points is realistic, either. But that's because this game is going to be closer than that. I'm really surprised at the line, since the Nittany Lions are playing much better these days. I suspect OSU wins, but it won't be easy. Ohio State 31, Penn State 24.
Minnesota Stergers (-1) vs. Bear Down Chicago da Bearz. Here's the question before America -- will Gino be happy this week, or will Mrs. D, a/k/a my Mom? I know that for my sake, it would be far better if Mrs. D is happy. Gino, sorry about that, bro! A lot of people are starting to think that the Vikings are righting the ship after beating the Arizona Cardinals last week. I say to those people, C'mon, man! The Vikings are probably going to be without Sidney Rice and could be without Percy Harvin. Also, it doesn't help that Jen Sterger has now talked to the NFL about her experiences with cell phones. It wouldn't surprise me if old Favre has to take a call on his cell phone next week from some league official. In fact, if Favre couldn't start against the Packers, that would be justice. Meanwhile, Favre's biggest problem this week is to avoid being turned into a pepper steak by Julius Peppers. Hey Julius -- save one for the Claymaker, willya? Ditka Ditka Ditka 30, Don't Text Me, Bro 27.
Mrs. D doesn't like that pick, I'm guessing. I'm worried about Julius Peppers, too. Bryant McKinnie better stay away from Rush Street on Saturday night. Meanwhile, the Bears are a mess, too. It wouldn't surprise me if this game features 15 quarterback sacks. Here's a guess -- at least one key play comes from Chester Taylor. Better hope that Harvin is ready. I'll go with the Vikings, given my vested interest in keeping Mrs. D happy. Vikings 24, Bears 20.
Motor City Kitties (+3) vs. Buffalo Wings. So let me get this straight. Buffalo hasn't won a game this season, but they're the favorite. Is that right? What's up with that? C'mon, man! It's obvious that the Bills escaped from the Mounties last week but they still lost to da Bearz. In Detroit, Matthew Stafford is again on the sidelines and the Lions are wheeling out Shaun "of the Dead" Hill, mostly because Eric Hipple won't return their calls. I gotta be honest with you, readers -- this might be the worst game in NFL history. B-Dub 0, Kitties 0.
A scoreless tie? Uh, no. I bet at least one of these sorry teams scores a safety because the other team trips in the end zone. Actually, the Lions are getting better, but losing Stafford will hurt them. As a Packer fan, I must say that having the Lions and the Bears in the division is a real treat, because no two teams have had consistently worse quarterback play in my lifetime. But I'm going to pick the Lions anyway. Lions 21, Bills 17.
West De Pere Phantoms vs. Xavier Hawks, at Kimberly H.S. That's right, Wisconsin D3 football, baby! It's Decrepit's alma mater, XHS, facing off against a school with a really cool nickname. And both teams are 12-0. This is Sparta! I honestly don't know anything about these teams, but I never miss a chance to give the old dude a ration. So I'm going to pick it this way: West De Pere 3, Xavier Key Club 0.
Hey, the Xavier Key Club was pretty tough when I was there. Much more successful than the football team, actually. But times are different now and it's been a thrill to watch the Blue and White not lose 31-0 every week like they did in my day. WDP is the best team they'll play this year and it will be tough. But I gotta go with my heart on this one. Xavier 14, West De Pere 7.
You know, you're actually an old softy, Decrepit! I think Brett Favre needs to go mamby-pamby land and get some self respect, the jackwagon! Tissue? Uh, no. Ben out!