So what are we doing, young fella?
We are going to mock the draft. Just like we did last year, because let's face it, you've always tried to bring me up correctly and I believe the song goes, "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Mel Kiper."
Seems like good advice to me.
Well, since we have established our ground rules here, let's get to it. Watch me work!
Minnesota Vikings: Well, the first thing to realize about the Purple is that it's still not clear that whoever they draft will not have to move to Los Angeles next year. So my advice to the first-round pick of the Vikings is simple -- rent. The Vikings are coming off a 3-13 season, so they have many needs, but I think chief among them is the need for a lame sportscaster. I'm pretty tired of watching Vikings games on FOX where they trot out Sam Rosen and some guy who made a NFL roster back in about '82 or so. I mean, I get why they have to find so many of these guys -- would you want to spend a season sitting next to Sam Rosen? I think not! Last year, I recommended high-pitched FSN superstar Robbie Incmikoski, who did solidify their need for lame sideline analysis and also provided all of us with a lot of laughs as he struggled mightily to pronounce the name of Nicola Pecovic. But now we need to get Robbie some help, which is why I recommend that the Vikings return once more to the FSN well and choose Kevin Gorg, who is less high-pitched than our man Robbie, but much more bald and equally incoherent.
Bold choice, but I think the Vikings need to close ranks in other areas. They have assembled quite an impressive roster at the Capitol to help them get their new stadium, but they need help, so I'm going to recommend that they bring on one of the more skeptical members of the legislature, Sen. Dave Thompson of Lakeville. He's even more bald than Gorg but usually is able to string together a sentence or two without resorting to cliches. That's a rare thing at Winter Park, young fella.
Good point, Geritol Fan! But now we need to move on to the up and coming, blue-clad squad from Meeshegan. Yes, I mean the:
Detroit Lions: Detroit is looking really good, although they've had a few issues with the police blotter lately. It seems like Ndamukong Suh gets a traffic ticket every few days or so, and various members of their offense apparently majored in Street Pharmacology Studies in college. To remedy that problem, we need to get someone of sterling character to suit up for Jim Schwartz. Last year, I suggested Eminem, which probably wasn't the wisest choice, the more that I think about it. We need to do better this time. We need a guy who can build something that lasts, which is why I'm going with Henry Ford. Now, I realize that Ford died in 1947, but it's not as if the Lions would be able to tell the difference between a guy who's been dead for 65 years and most of the people who have suited up for them in recent years. I mean, tell me -- would you rather play Henry Ford or Joey Harrington? I think that question answers itself, old dude! Go with Ford, I say!
Now that I think about it, Henry Ford probably had a better season in 2003 than Joey Harrington did, so I take your point. But now we need to be forward thinking. The Lions seem to have anger management issues and that means they need someone who can calm their nerves and get them to be at peace with the world. It's pretty clear that the fellow the Lions need is the Dalai Lama. A big hitter, the Lama.
Okay, that's a little strange, old dude.
Well, at least my draft pick is alive.
Okay, good point. Speaking of dead, it's time to consider the:
Chicago Bears: Chicago had a terrible season last year and Jay Cutler got mailed home in an interoffice envelope once the defensive linemen of the league got past his turnstile O-line. So, you would think that the Bears need an offensive lineman, right? Well, no. The better move is to get someone who is simply offensive. Last year I suggested Muammar Gadhafi, who failed to report to the team because he was killed in a civil war during the summer. Now, you might suppose the Bears would have learned something from that experience, but if you think that, you don't know the Bears. So I'm going to recommend that the Bears double down on corrupt Middle Eastern dictators and draft Bashar al-Assad. He may not have a chin, but he's certainly ruthless enough to line up next to Brian Urlacher and put down the opposition. By any means necessary.
Wow, that's bold. I'm thinking that the Bears need to go another direction this year. Last year I suggested Gilbert Gottfried for the Bears, but he apparently wasn't quite as irritating as Bears announcer Hub Arkush, so this year I'm thinking they need to get someone who is even more irritating than either Gottfried or Arkush. So the key is to pick someone who is (a) irritating and (b) has an irrational hatred toward the Green Bay Packers. That can only mean one person -- Skip Bayless. If Bayless can remove his lips from Tim Tebow's backside, he'll be an excellent pickup for the Bears.
Wow, you're just mean, old dude. I wouldn't sic Skip Bayless on anyone. Meanwhile, let's turn our attention to the glorious:
Green Bay Packers: The Packers are coming off a year that was both successful and yet disappointing. Going 15-1 was pretty impressive, but getting their butts handed to them by the New York
No, I think the Packers need to pick someone who is tougher than Walker. They need to pick someone who can dominate the competition and tell people what's what. The obvious pick for the Packers is our very own Fearless Maria. Let's face it, she's been dominating her middle school all year long and she's tough enough to handle most anything. So we'll go that way. Although I'd like the Packers to consider (for real) Beloit College superstar Derek Carrier in the late rounds.
Okay, now let's face it. These picks are much better than anything that helmet-head Kiper could come up with. Exhaustively researched and brilliantly considered. This has been your NFL Mocked Draft for 2012. Ben out!