Monday, April 09, 2012

Mark Dayton, Solving the World's Problems, Symbolically

The governor is a healer, or something:

There's nothing Gov. Mark Dayton can do to stop a voter ID constitutional amendment from appearing on the November ballot.

But he's issued a symbolic veto of the legislation that created the ballot amendment anyway.
"Although I do not have the power to prevent this unwise and unnecessary constitutional amendment from appearing on the Minnesota ballot...the Legislature has sent it to me in the form of a bill," Dayton told reporters at a Monday press conference. "Thus, I am exercising my legal responsibility to either sign or veto the amendment...I am vetoing."

He's a deeply silly man, our governor, but considering this is the state that elected a professional rassler to be governor not that long ago, it's hardly surprising that we now find a man at the helm who is exercising imaginary power. In fact, in order to add greater fairness, social justice and goodwill to the commonweal, Gov. Dayton has decided to also use his imaginary power to handle a series of other issues that have heretofore proved intractable. In fact, Dayton confidant Denise Cardinal sent over the following list:

Governor Dayton's Dozen Proposals to Repair Our Fraying Social Fabric:

12.  Providing a posthumous pardon to Johnny Cash for "shooting a man in Reno just to watch him die."

11.  Issuing a symbolic executive order changing the name of Dayton, Ohio to Prettner Solon, Ohio, in order to appear self-deprecating. Lt. Gov. Yvonne Prettner Solon will then appear in the newly renamed Ohio city, marking the first time she has been seen in public since November, 2010.

10.  Hiring all departing cast members of "Celebrity Apprentice" to positions at the Public Utilities Commission, MnDOT and the Met Council.

9.  Demanding that Macalester, St. Olaf, Bethel and Lakeland Dental Academy all offer Tom Emmer a chance to be a visiting professor, but only if they rescind the offer before any money changes hands.

8.  Requiring state Auditor Rebecca Otto conduct a thorough investigation to conclusively determine how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

7.  Solving the Twins current hitting slump by ordering the team to rehire 70s-era slugging sensation "Disco Dan" Ford.

6. Authorizing Secretary of State Mark Ritchie to use whatever methods are required to ensure that Minnesota singing sensation Jordis Unga wins "The Voice" on NBC.

5. Compelling NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to award the Minnesota Vikings a "Symbolic Lombardi Trophy" because of those cheatin' Saints.

4.  Filling the Lindstrom "Coffee Pot" water tower to brim with Kombucha.

3.  Appearing in a production of "Cabaret" at the Chanhassen Dinner Theater with ex-wife Alita Messinger, with the highlight being a show-stopping performance of the "Money Song."

2. Directing Zygi Wilf to give naming rights to the new "People's Stadium" to Education Minnesota honcho Tom Dooher.

1.  Demonstrating the importance of bipartisanship by offering to date Michael Brodkorb.


Anonymous said...

You have to give credit to the GOP legislature, too. They SENT him that "symbolic" bill in the first place, to taunt him into a highly unpopular symbolic veto. That he fell for it shows how far out of the reality mainstream he really is.

J. Ewing

Night Writer said...

"Although I do not have the power to prevent this unwise and unnecessary constitutional amendment from appearing on the Minnesota ballot..."

For a minute there I thought Dayton had actually learned something from his misadventure in trying to use an executive order to mandate daycare unionization.

CousinDan 54915 said...

And for balancing our budget,while his detractors in the state house hid in Illinois, our governor in Wisconsin is facing a recall. Maybe we could do a takeover of Minnesota so you could have some semblance of rational governance. Our governor, your legislature, sound like a fair deal? Then Obama can visit 56 states during the campaign.

Although I do not have the power to propose this merger.........