Happy anniversary

Today is September 21, 2006. Jill and I were married 15 years ago this day. That means I have been the luckiest man in the world for precisely 15 years. My wife and I have lived through some significant changes in this time, but we remain strong, despite the uncertainty we are living through at the moment.

One of the keys to a successful marriage is to understand that the person you married isn’t static; your spouse will change and my wife has changed. The one thing that’s most clear is that she has found her voice. By that, I mean she has a clear understanding of the world and is willing to share her understanding. She has less patience for foolishness now than she did in the past; she does not hesitate to call out folly when she sees it. She is resourceful and quickly figures out what to do. While she is always polite and gracious, she knows the score.

I think a lot about how we need to find our way in the world; my kids are always asking me about how things work, what things mean, why we see what we do. You have to explain these things carefully, because it is all too easy to color your observations with your own biases. I’ve always been fond of Walt Whitman’s poem “There Was A Child Went Forth.” Well over a century later, the words ring true:

There was a child went forth every day;
And the first object he look'd upon, that object he became;
And that object became part of him for the day, or a certain part of
the day, or for many years, or stretching cycles of years.

The early lilacs became part of this child,
And grass, and white and red morning-glories, and white and red clover, and the song of the phoebe-bird,
And the Third-month lambs, and the sow's pink-faint litter, and the mare's foal, and the cow's calf,
And the noisy brood of the barn-yard, or by the mire of the pond-side,
And the fish suspending themselves so curiously below there--and the beautiful curious liquid,
And the water-plants with their graceful flat heads--all became part of him.

The field-sprouts of Fourth-month and Fifth-month became part of him;
Winter-grain sprouts, and those of the light-yellow corn, and the esculent roots of the garden,
And the apple-trees cover'd with blossoms, and the fruit afterward,
and wood-berries, and the commonest weeds by the road;
And the old drunkard staggering home from the out-house of the tavern, whence he had lately risen,
And the school-mistress that pass'd on her way to the school,
And the friendly boys that pass'd--and the quarrelsome boys,
And the tidy and fresh-cheek'd girls--and the barefoot negro boy and girl,
And all the changes of city and country, wherever he went.

His own parents,
He that had father'd him, and she that had conceiv'd him in her womb, and birth'd him,
They gave this child more of themselves than that;
They gave him afterward every day--they became part of him.

The mother at home, quietly placing the dishes on the supper-table;
The mother with mild words--clean her cap and gown, a wholesome odor
falling off her person and clothes as she walks by;
The father, strong, self-sufficient, manly, mean, anger'd, unjust;
The blow, the quick loud word, the tight bargain, the crafty lure,
The family usages, the language, the company, the furniture--the yearning and swelling heart,
Affection that will not be gainsay'd--the sense of what is real--the thought if, after all, it should prove unreal,
The doubts of day-time and the doubts of night-time--the curious whether and how,
Whether that which appears so is so, or is it all flashes and specks?
Men and women crowding fast in the streets--if they are not flashes and specks, what are they?
The streets themselves, and the facades of houses, and goods in the windows,
Vehicles, teams, the heavy-plank'd wharves--the huge crossing at the ferries,
The village on the highland, seen from afar at sunset--the river between,
Shadows, aureola and mist, the light falling on roofs and gables of white or brown, three miles off,The schooner near by, sleepily dropping down the tide--the little boat slack-tow'd astern,
The hurrying tumbling waves, quick-broken crests, slapping,
The strata of color'd clouds, the long bar of maroon-tint, away
solitary by itself--the spread of purity it lies motionless in,
The horizon's edge, the flying sea-crow, the fragrance of salt marsh and shore mud;
These became part of that child who went forth every day, and who now goes, and will always go forth every day.

This is not a poem about marriage, but it is a poem about life. And there are lessons aplenty that Whitman offers; his description of the father is especially important, because in the past 15 years Jill and I have become parents to two wonderful children. They see what we do and will likely emulate the behaviors we exhibit. And we need to be aware of that. But like the child, I too am still finding my way in the world. We all have to find our way in the world. I’ve been fortunate that, for the past 15 years, Jill and I went forth together. And every day I am grateful that we share our path.