The punchlines write themselves

Say hello to my little friend:

It has a goo-spewing mouth on its belly, is covered in toxic slime, hosts a brain-eating parasite and, like any ambitious mutant monster, the New Guinea flatworm is invading the U.S. by way of sunny Miami.

There’s also this: The worm is hermaphroditic, so it can multiply anywhere, anytime.

Being a hermaphrodite is common to all worms, but we'll leave that aside. This dude is nasty:

While humans face little risk from the worm, it thrives on snails and will eat any slug, worm or soft critter living in soil. And its appetite is voracious. Robinson has seen pictures of a Giant African Land Snail — another invasive marauder — being attacked by a pack of 30 to 40 flatworms.

The worm latches onto the shell’s opening, then spits its stomach out through the mouth on its belly. An acidic goo from the stomach dissolves the snail’s flesh so the worm can re-swallow both stomach and prey. 

It often works as a bureaucrat. And it brings other gifts as well:

The New Guinea flatworm carries the rat lung parasite, which burrows into the brain and can spread to humans. They are also coated in a toxic slime, so shouldn’t be handled.

Alan Grayson has not yet commented, most likely out of professional courtesy.