Sunday, July 25, 2010

Guilty Pleasures Part Seventy -- Fearless Maria Calls for Cats and Dogs

Dad, why won't you let me have a pet?

Well Maria, I don't necessarily object to having a pet around the house, but you have to realize that pets are a lot of work.

Awww, come on! We could just hire a pet sitter when we're not home and, well, maybe we add another room onto our house somehow. You just have to use some creative thinking, Dad! Isn't that your job?

No, my job is usually to convince guys that they really want to buy MIG welders and Flair Hair. But probably not at the same time.

Well, why don't you convince yourself that you really want to buy a pet?

Have you ever thought about what pets do, Maria?

Well, they give you a lot of love. Then they eat and go poop.

They do more than that, Maria. How can I explain it to you?

Well, I don't know, maybe you can text message me. But then again, I don't have a phone. That's something else you need to buy for me, now isn't it, Dad? The last time I checked, phones don't eat and poop.

But they cost a lot of money in a different way. But you know what's really not too expensive?

Sticks and dirt? That's what you always tell me you played with. That and Gnip Gnop.

True, but I was thinking about songs about cats and dogs!

Okay. I'll go with that. Dad, you ain't nothin' but a

Dad, I can see why the girls screamed for Elvis. He was a lot better looking than Bobby Sherman, at the very least.

I suppose. And you know what else? He was very influential. He had other people singing like him almost 30 years later. But they sang about cats.

Yeah, he sang a little like Elvis. But don't you think he sounds more like Jerry Lee Lewis? Sometimes I have a hard time keep all these old guys you keep showing me straight!

I suppose, Maria. Here's an old guy who is completely unmistakable:

Dad, I have a question about this guy. That's Ted Nugent, right?

Yes, no doubt about that, Maria.

Did he make a lot of money playing guitar?

I think so.

Are you sure? He can't even afford a shirt! Are you sure that what's he's doing is legal? It's one thing when you're playing outside in the summer and it's hot outside, but it's another when you're on national television! Didn't they have one of those "no shoes, no shirt, no service" signs, or did they and he just couldn't read it?

I don't know, Maria. I know he was really popular with kids my age. And I think the audience probably took up a collection to get him a shirt.

What a horrible way to spend your allowance, Dad! I don't Grandpa Ed wanted you to spend your money on that!

Well, we can show you someone who dressed a lot more, shall we say, modestly than Ted Nugent:

That's Marvin Gaye, Dad? And he's got Tina Turner with him? I'm confused. I didn't know he sang with Tina Turner! That's sure one big turner, right?

I'll say, Maria. I never knew about this until recently. Pretty cool, I think.

It is, Dad. But I think you're showing me all these videos to make me stop thinking about that pet. Nice try. And I heard that goldfish are 25 cents, so you could afford that! Even I could! You'd have more money if you'd stop trying to buy Ted Nugent a shirt, Dad!

I don't know if you can buy a goldfish for a quarter, Maria. But you could buy a single record for about a dollar when I was a kid. And I bought this one:

Dad, I'm really learning a lot about you today. So you bought single records and shirts for Ted Nugent? And you had Gnip Gnop? Wow, what a depressing childhood tragedy! I'm almost starting to feeling sorry for you! But don't think that gets you off the hook for that pet, Dad!

Well, when it comes to your requests, I'll say this for you, Maria. You're a real bulldog:

Good song, Dad! But now where's that dog?

I don't know, Maria. We'll have to talk to Mom about that one.

Okay, I'll talk to Mom. But while I'm talking to Mom, you'd better vote for your favorite song in the comment section! I don't want to have to release the hounds on you!

You know what I'm happy about, Maria?

I know -- that we didn't pick this one, right?

Yeah. Very much so. Now listen to Maria and vote, okay?


Gino said...

in the spirit of ted nugent, and the best song on thise list, i vote that maria be allowed to have a cat.

my name is Amanda said...

Definitely "Stray Cat Strut."

Style and cleverness.

Also, Maria should have a cat! I wish I could have a cat. People in the house are allergic. :(

Night Writer said...

You'd better do something, Mr. D, or you'll be singing this George Thorogood cover of a Hank Williams tune:

Mr. D said...

That's a warning I take seriously, NW.

W.B. Picklesworth said...

I've loved Hey Bulldog for many years, hearing first on a Beatles compilation cassette that I got in 9th grade or so. It's got my vote!

Dan S. said...

I vote for "Stray Cat Strut," too. Maybe the first time I agree with Amanda about something! ;)

Hey, don't forget about this little gem...