We're in the playoffs already? Playoffs? Playoffs! Can you feel the HYYYYYYYYPPPPPPE!
I guess I'm feeling the hype more than Jim Mora was.
Maybe that's what you would look like if you were an NFL coach, Decrepit! Of course, you're pretty much stuck coaching in-house youth sports.
In the words of this guy, it's what I do, and I do it well.
No, actually your picks are bankrupt, old dude! But enough of that, let's get down to bidness!
New York J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS! (+2 1/2) vs. Cincinnati Ochocincos. When you're a Jet you're a Jet all the way. I know this song because my strange old father made me watch this strange old movie once. It won't help us pick the game very much, but it seems likes a good idea and an example of the services we provide to at-risk youth. Anyway, back to the game, if I can stop laughing at my own jokes long enough to make a pick. There will be a very good matchup to watch as Darrelle Revis matches up with Chad Ochenta y Cinco. He may not know how to pronounce his name, but I do. Everybody thinks the Bengals are just that good, but I'm calling the upset. Gang Green 30, Linguistically Challenged 19.
I can see why you think this will happen, Grasshopper. The Jets pretty much kicked the stuffing out of the Bengals last week in New Jersey, but this game is in Cincinnati. I suspect the Bengals will play much better this time. But I also think that much better won't be good enough. I like the Jets, too. Jets 16, Bengals 13.
Philadelphia Cheesesteaks (+4) vs. Dallas How 'Bout Them Cowboahs? There is going to be some blood tomorrow night. Last week Dallas put the donut on Andy Reid's boys, 24-0. The theory says that the team at home during the playoffs is probably going to win, but a couple of factors fall in favor of the Eagles. First of all, Dallas constantly chokes in the playoffs, especially since Tony Romo arrived. There's been the holder incident, the Jessica Simpson incident and other unfortunate events. There is also the revenge factor. DUH DUH DUH DUHHHHH. Feel the revenge, Tony Romo? Hey Roy Williams -- you don't have enough talent to win on talent alone! Look for the Cheesesteaks to give the Cowboys more than they can eat. Philly 50, Dallas 42.
So let me see if I understand what you're saying, Seabiscuit. The same team that couldn't score last week will put up 50 points this week? That's bold. Actually, I think this could be a shootout. The Cowboy defense has been very good lately but they can be had, especially if the Eagles hit a shot early on. And Benster has a good point -- Romo hasn't proven anything in the playoffs, while Eagle quarterback Donovan McNabb is quite battle-tested. And that's why I once again have to agree with the young fella. Eagles 24, Cowboys 20.
Baltimore Edgar Allan Poes (+3 1/2) vs. New England Belicheks. On a fashion note, Bill Belichek wears ugly sweatshirts with the sleeves cut off, which is kinda creepy. New England will be shorthanded without Wes Welker, but Bill Belichek has proven that he not only makes bad fashion choices, but he is intelligent. Baltimore does not really have a dynamic offense but they are able to play ball control. And Baltimore might be on to something -- it's tough for Tom Brady to complete passes when he's planted on the sideline. We'll see if the game will slow down or if the Patriots will be able to play fast break. Charm City Birds 31, Belicheks 28.
I like your theory on this one too, whippersnapper. I think the Patriots are getting old in a hurry, actually, and they are ripe to be knocked off. It won't be this week, though. Patriots 27, Ravens 17.
Glorious Green Bay Packers (+1) vs. Arizona House of Cards. All right -- I want a word with you Aaron Rodgers doubters. Aaron Rodgers is in the Pro Bowl. He's led the Packers on a 7-1 hot streak ever since that bad incident with the frightening Creamsicles. On paper, this game looks very scary for Green Bay without Al Harris. Charles Woodson will have to cover Holy Angels alum Larry Fitzgerald, leaving Tramon Williams to deal with Anquan Boldin and potentially Jarrett "Toast" Bush to deal with Steve Breaston. However, Boldin did not practice this week and odds are that he'll either go and be very limited or he'll be watching the game from the sidelines. Also, Arizona's best cornerback, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, is also hobbling around. That means that the Cardinals will have to put their number 2 cornerback on Greg Jennings and backups on Donald Driver and Jermichael Finley. That's just asking for trouble. The key to stopping Arizona is to disrupt Kurt Warner's rhythm. Maybe a little dose of Clay Matthews will do the trick. Packers 63, House of Cards 10.
Excellent analysis, but I don't see that score happening, young fella. The thing to me that's been most interesting about the run-up to this game is how much yapping the Cardinal players have been doing. It's almost as if they're using bravado to try to convince themselves that they can handle the Packers. The Cardinals are very strange, of course -- they can be almost unstoppable one week and terrible the next. Last week, they were terrible. Does that mean this week they'll be unstoppable? Probably not. Look for a wild, entertaining game, but if my theory holds true, the Packers will be coming to Minneapolis next week. Green Bay 38, Arizona 28.
Do not give Aaron Rodgers any more motivation. Vikings fans, remember well the words of Satchel Paige -- don't look back. Something might be gaining on you. Ben out!