It's on. It's the return of Favre, the texting terror! Ladies, watch out!
Yeah, 41 seems to be a little young to be a dirty old man.
Aren't you older than that, Decrepit?
Why yes, Benster. Yes I am.
No wonder you don't ever use text messages! Well, we have a message for you -- it's time to pick some games, even if Brad Carlson thinks we're no good at it.
Well, we'll keep picking and not worry about our critics. Lay it out, Seabiscuit!
Penn State Paternos (- 9 1/2) vs. Minnesota Horton Hears a Who. Speaking of really old dudes, JoePa is in town this week to administer a beatdown on Jeff Horton, who sounds like a Dr. Seuss character. So, do you think he speaks for the trees? This much I know, he cannot win a game here or there. He cannot win a game anywhere! He does not like the Nittany Lions. He does not like them, Decrepit You Are! Come to Penn State 35, Bartholomew Cubbins 10.
Well, I don't think I can top that outburst, grasshopper! Let's just say that the Gophers are going to wish they were on Mulberry Street when this one is over. The other thing to remember is that Obama will be in town tomorrow at the same time, so the Penn State team bus may end up on Mulberry Street. That's the only hope for the Gophs. Penn State 27, Gophers 20.
Beloved Wisconsin Badgers (+5 1/2) vs. Iowa Stanzis. Ricky Stanzi doesn't deserve to be a nickname. He's a senior quarterback who is likely to get the senior discount the way he plays. He's overrated and interception-prone, kinda like Daphne on Scooby-Doo, although he doesn't wear lavender tights as far as I know. This is a potential trap game for Iowa because the Badgers might have Jim Tressel trying to teach high school math after the way the Badgers schooled Ohio State last week. Badger Badger Badger 21, Herky Hawkeye 0.
Wow, I hope you're right. Then again, you're not. The Badgers don't win much in Iowa City. They put their all into beating Ohio State and it's going to be tough for them to avoid a bit of a letdown this week. I know they'll go in tough and probably take the lead, but if the pattern holds, Iowa will wear them down at the end. Iowa 24, Badgers 20.
Oklahoma Boomer Sooner (-3) vs. Mizzou Tigers. Decrepit warned me to be nice about this game, since the Night Writer is a Mizzou alum. And everyone loves the Night Writer -- just ask him! He's like Peter Cetera that way. But anyway, back to the game. It's obvious the Gods are angry because Boise State isn't number one in the polls or the foul, evil, wretched BCS. Did you get that -- I said, foul, evil and wretched! So what we need here is for Oklahoma, the false #1, to get their butts kicked in Columbia and restore order and decency to the land. May there be a playoff! And if Mizzou doesn't win, I'm holding Night Writer personally responsible. Mizzou 35, Joke-lahoma 0.
Lotta pressure the young fella has put on you, Night Writer! Well, leaving my son's well-known animus concerning the BCS to the side, this will be an interesting game. Mizzou has been flying under the radar this season, but now the tests begin. Can they beat OU? I'd like them to, but I don't think they will. Sorry, Night Writer! Oklahoma 31, Mizzou 24.
Minnesota Textings (+3) vs. Glorious Green Bay Packers. Watch out, Wisconsin -- it's the return of Favre! And this time he's brought back Randy Moss with him! I heard that Lambeau Field has had its goalposts sanitized prior to Moss's arrival in Green Bay. Probably a good move. I've heard a lot of Vikings fans saying that "Minnesota's gonna win" and "Rodgers is terrible!" and "half their team is in the hospital" and other things like that. However, Favre is starting to face both Father Time and Roger Goodell. We don't know which one is the tougher opponent yet, but he's probably going to lose to both of them in the end. What's nice is that the Packers can bottle up Jared "Cowboy Up" Allen with actual NFL linemen this time, instead of using the Swinging Gate and T. J. Lang. Also, keep in mind that the Vikings are a little short on defensive backs and that the Packers are going to come out swinging the Hammer of the Gods. I would not be surprised if this is the game where Aaron Rodgers finally makes us forget our Lebron James. Go Pack Go 50, Textings 20.
Pretty simple, I think. If Clay Matthews puts Favre on the turf a few times, the Vikings will have trouble scoring. If the Packers keep Rodgers upright, they will score a lot of points. As a Packer fan, I worry more about Percy Harvin than I do about Moss. But I think this time the Packers win. Packers 27, Vikings 21.
Washington Runaway Federal Spendings (+3) vs. Bear Down Chicago da Bearz. Washington does spend way too much -- not only the football team, but just about everyone else in that town. Are you reading this, Tarryl Clark? Of course the only way Clark will go to Washington is on a tour bus, but we'll leave that for another time. I'm still angry about two weeks ago, when the Redskins stole a game from the Packers. However, I would like the Redskins to give the Bears all they can handle. Hogettes 21, Dit-ka 0.
Jay Cutler is getting his butt kicked and there's no way he can survive the season unless the Bears start playing better on the offensive line. Mike Martz's system really only works if you have a great line, because it requires the quarterback to hang in there a long time. I think the Bears can win this game, but if they aren't careful they'll be looking at a year of Todd Collins and Caleb Hanie. And that would turn 4-2 into 5-11. Bears 17, Redskins 13.
New York Football Giants (+3) vs. Dallas How 'Bout Them Cowboahs. So help me understand this -- the Cowboys are about 1-136 right now, but they're favored to win? How does that work, old fella? Dallas lost the Panic Bowl last week, so now they're playing in the Outright Despair Bowl against the New York Giants. There are rumors going around that Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning might not be around next year and, hopefully, Tony Romo will be watching his friend Ricky Stanzi become a bust like Romo is, especially in big games. I think the Giants are trying to get Jessica Simpson to show up this week, although I'm not sure Romo could get a date with Homer Simpson the way he's playing these days. The New York Giants 21, Cowboahs 0.
You seem to like that 21-0 score this week, young fella. That's the third time you've used it. Are you running out of material or something? Anyway, the Cowboys have to win this game or they will be pretty much out of it. So on the "desperate teams at home" theory, with no team anywhere more desperate, will go with the Pokes this time. Dallas 27, Giants 17.
I wonder what the Vikings-endorsed talk show host known as Dan Barreiro will be saying after Favre chokes again. He probably will demand a recount. Mark Ritchie, that's your cue! Ben out!