Benster and D Pick Your Games -- Border Battle Edition, Y'All

Welcome back my friends, to the HYYYYYPPPPE!!! that never ends. You'll get your 100% dosage of doctor-recommended HYYYYYPPPPE!!! right here, pal.

Not that there was any doubt about that. But a simple, honest question, young fella -- what if our readers want a gentler approach to their picks?

Not. Going. To. Happen. If they want it, they can listen to Hank Goldberg mumbling about some stats on ESPN. They might call Hank "Hammerin' Hank," but I, Benster, bring the Hammer of the Gods. I'm wailing like a Valkyrie right now! Take your Lawrence Welk and go home, old dude!

Your YouTube-fu is strong, youngblood. Best we pick the games before something really bad happens.

I'm not done, because this is going to scare you.

Wow, that's some really old cheese. Okay, pick the games before this gets any worse.

Minnesota Golden Job Openings (+22) vs. Beloved Wisconsin Badgers. Is Badger AD Barry Alvarez paying Vegas for this point spread? That's even more insane than some of my scores. I fully expect the Gophers to actually show up and play like they're supposed to. However, the Gophers haven't won in Madison since before I was born and the Badgers have won a lot recently in this rivalry, no matter the venue. And they want to forget what happened in East Lansing last week. Badger Badger Badger 100, Fire Brewster (and Maturi) 0.

Uh, no. As has been pointed out elsewhere, Adam Weber is the master of garbage time scores and he's wrecked more than a few point spreads in his career. He deserves much better than he's had to endure in his career. But he doesn't have a lot of help right now. Badgers will win, but they won't win by 22. Wisconsin 37, Minnesota 20.

Sparty the Spartan (+4 1/2) vs. Meeshegan Wolverines. I'd like to tell you about Denard Robinson, but he runs so fast I'm having a hard time seeing him. Rumor has it that he could be the next Michael Vick, except he's been fully investigated by the Humane Society and there's no trouble. Also, Sparty Coach Mark Dantonio should be at the game this week. We all wish him the very best. Meeshegan 70, Sparty 20.

I'm not sure Robinson is quite that fast, Ben. The Spartans impressed me last week in the way they were able to ram the ball down my the throats of the Badgers. This could be a really herky-jerky kinda game, but I'm sold on the Spartans. Michigan State 31, Michigan 27.

LSU Bayou Bengals (+7) vs. Florida Gators. Time to break out some SEC footbaugh, as those grits-filled Johnny Rebs would say. Florida is trying to find out Tebow can come back and have his 16th year of eligibility. The Gators need to right the ship after losing to Alabama last week. I think Alabama is overrated, but we'll leave that aside. LSU won last week because Tennessee seemed to have a little trouble with math. Maybe we could have Fearless Maria take them to her GEM program. So when I do the math on this game, I see it this way: LSU 31, Florida 30.

I haven't seen LSU play this year, so I'm not sure what to say about this one. Florida seems to be a little down this year, though, so the opportunity is there for LSU to steal one. But since they already stole one last week, I think the law of averages catches up to them this time. Florida 24, LSU 17.

Minnesota Mossbacks (+4) vs. New York J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS. Randy Moss is back and he's ready to ball. We hear that he doesn't even get a bye week. That's enough justice for what happened all those years ago in the end zone at Lambeau. I would actually put Percy Harvin on Revis Island instead of Moss. Why? Because Benedict Brent will still be getting used to Moss. Also, Harvin is way more dangerous and then you can focus on stopping Adrian "Fumble Man" Peterson. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS 20, Mossbacks 17.

Wow, that almost made sense! The Vikings have some issues to deal with, especially if some of the weird stories currently circulating about Favre turn out to be true. I did love Moss's comment about "what if I'd been on that boat?" He wasn't, but the question is now whether he's on a sinking ship now. We'll find out a lot on Monday night. Jets 24, Vikings 20.

Glorious Green Bay Packers (-2 1/2) vs. Washington Out-of-Control Federal Spending. I believe this is a no politics zone, but we couldn't resist that one. Are you reading this Mark Dayton? Anyway, back to the game. The Packers desperately need a running back and they didn't get one this week. I would recommend Julius Jones, who is out there because of Marshawn Lynch taking his job away in Seattle. Meanwhile, the Packers will plod along with Brandon Jackson and Jon Kuhn, the modern-day Barty Smith. However, Dom Capers has to deal with Donovan McNabb and my Fantasy Football Stud Santana Moss. I would recommend either a combo man zone or a big dose of Woodson. Acme Packing Company 35, Federal Debt 7.

This won't be easy. I don't think the Redskins are that good, but the Packers have a lot of injuries and McNabb has been a thorn in their side. Fortunately, he's not with the Eagles any more. Packers win, but it will be close. Packers 21, Redskins 17.

Bear Down Chicago da Bearz (+1) vs. Sweet Carolina Panthers. Sing along with me, old fella! Sweet Caroline (duh duh duh), good times never seemed so good! Nothing like breaking out 40-year old songs completely out of context. Good times, all right! Anyway, back to the game. Justice has been restored, courtesy of the New York Football Giant defense, which sacked Jay Cutler approximately 4,326 times last week. Cutler won't play this week and that means it's yet another appearance from 84-year-old Todd Collins, who was the quarterback at Michigan before Tom Brady and Rick Leach, I think. I was thinking about making a Rex Grossman reference, but that's like linking to Justin Bieber. Which I will not do. Never. Ever. Got that, old dude? Also, it's the return of Julius Peppers to Rome, I mean Charlotte. Jimmy Clausen, better watch your back. Sweet Carolina 10, da Bearz 7.

I don't see a lot of offense in this game, either. In fact, the game should be downright offensive. I hope I'm wrong about this pick, though: Bears 16, Panthers 13.

Randy Moss -- better not even consider doing anything in the end zone. Then again, maybe he'll never make it to the end zone this time around. Ben out!