Well, I gotta be me.
Actually, I wish you wouldn't, but what are you gonna do. Meanwhile, we do have games to pick, so watch me work!
Purdue Boilermakers (-3) vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers. Lemme get this straight. Purdue is favored in this game? They have the same record as the Gophers and they have gotten drilled more often than the Bakken Oil Field in North Dakota lately. That doesn't make any sense, Geritol Fan! I'm not surprised both teams are in trouble, because neither team can make up its mind which quarterback to use. The Gophers seem to have chosen Philip Nelson, boy wonder of Mankato, who pulled off his redshirt last week and got sacked by a bunch of dudes wearing red jerseys. It didn't go well, but he lived to tell the tale and now he gets to play in a friendly environment. Meanwhile, Purdue is going with a rotation of quarterbacks including Robert Marve, Caleb TerBush and (apparently) Bob Griese. My view is that Purdue should go with Marve, because Marve can make more things happen and people forget that he was once good enough to be the quarterback at the "U" (University of Miami, not our local "U.") Boilermaker Pete 29, Goldy Gopher 27.
So you object to the pointspread, but think the Boilermakers are going to win? Hmmm. I don't think the Boilermakers are going to win. I know, because Seabiscuit reminded me recently, that the Boilermakers almost won in Columbus last week. That's impressive, but moral victories don't get you into the Little Caesar's Bowl or whatever strange corporate entity these teams are fighting for. Perhaps the loser could play in the Bush's Baked Beans Bowl or something like that. Gophers 21, Purdue 17.
Michigan State Sparty the Spartan (+6.5) vs. Beloved Wisconsin Badgers. Old dude, I've been working up a head of steam for this game. Spartan fans seem to think that they will get a trip to Pasadena. Not going to happen! They have played like crap -- yes, I said crap -- against Notre Dame, Michigan and Ohio State. And they expect to go to Madison and win? When they also lost to Iowa in their own stadium? Seriously? You cannot be serious! How can you possibly call that possible? And Mark D'Antonio, you are the pits of the world! In fact, you and Bo Pelini give the Big Ten a horrible image. I say bring back George Perles, or Duffy Daugherty, or even John L. Smith! He needs the money! Oh, and Keith Nicol won't bail you out this time. Wisconsin 300, This is not quite Sparta -300.
Okay, I guess a 600 point margin of victory would beat the point spread. Excuse me a minute while I retrieve the gasket the young fella just blew across the room. Okay, now that I've tidied up, I'll say this -- the Badgers are playing better right now and playing at home. I think they'll win, too. Badgers 31, Michigan State 17.
Texas Tech Red Raiders (+7.5) vs. Kansas State Wildcats. I decided that we'd focus on this game because K-State is the one team that can beat Alabama. Why, you ask? Because K-State has Collin Klein, who is emerging as the best overall quarterback in the land and now has an excellent shot at winning the Heisman. Texas Tech is a good outfit and can score, but you can't score much against K-State because they keep the ball for so long. If K-State runs the table they will get to the national championship game and they will be the ones to finally end the SEC stranglehold. And finally, we won't have to listen to those SEC yahoos for a while. K-State 21, Texas Tech 13.
I'll take your word for it. K-State 31, Texas Tech 20.
Jacksonville Jaguars (+15.5) vs. Glorious Green Bay Packers. So let's imagine that you are the Jacksonville Jaguars. You aren't very good and your best player, Maurice Jones-Drew, will not be able to participate. And your quarterback, Blaine Gabbert, may not participate either, meaning the Jags will be starting, what, Mark Brunell? He might be in the league, for all I know. Okay, we looked it up -- the backup is Chad Henne, who we all remember for his exploits with the Michigan Wolverines and for his excellent performances on the television series Green Acres. Here's a sample of his work:
I don't think that Chad Henne will be wearing the dumb hat when he shows up at Lambeau, because Clay Matthews would knock it off his head. Jaguars forfeit!
Uh, no. I'm reasonably certain they'll show up. But it won't go well. Packers 42, Jaguars 20.
Carolina Panthers (+7.5) vs. Bear Down Chicago da Bearz. Time to give Gino a little love. Da Bearz are playing the now-erratic Scam Newton, which makes my job easier. Da Bearz 35, Panthers 0.
So you're assuming the Panthers may not show up, either? Perhaps they'll be stuck in traffic on the Dan Ryan and won't be able to get into Soldier Field. Well, I think they'll show up and play well. But the Bears are better. Bears 24, Panthers 14.
I guess we're done. See Gino, we do love you. And because you requested it, here's a different song by the Chameleons:
We aim to please. Ben out!