Monday, December 31, 2012

Bring Out Your Dead Pool 2013!

Hey kids -- let's talk about dead people! I have the Benster in tow and he'll be making his debut in this annual competition this year. How do you feel about participating in this, young fella?

I'm not dead yet. But seriously, since I'm so used to kicking your old butt in football predictions, it only seems natural that I should be able to kick your butt in predicting death. Although I'm pretty sure that HYYYYYPPPPPE would be inappropriate for this competition.

I suspect so. We're supposed to be somber and serious here. No hype.

Well, I'm with the program. If you noticed, there was no exclamation point on HYYYYYPPPPPE, so that's how you can tell I'm being serious.

News you can use! First, let's go over the rules:

  • You get to pick five people.
  • They have to be alive as of January 1, 2013, so you can't pick someone like Vic Morrow, who died in 1982, to use an example. And Vic Morrow's death was, well, not very pleasant.
  • You get credit for each person who actually dies in the calendar year of 2013.
  • The winner gets, well, nothing.
Does that seem fair?

Yes. I get nothing from you most of the time, Geritol Fan, so I'm kinda used to it.

Well, good. We do want to set expectations. Our first contestant is Ace Blogger/Commenter and diehard Bears Fan Gino, who offers the following picks:

George H. W. Bush
Fidel Castro
Betty White
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Jesse Jackson, Jr.

These are all solid picks. The elder Bush has been ill lately and Fidel Castro is getting like Generalissimo Francisco Franco these days. Meanwhile, Betty White seems spry, but she's pretty old. As for Zsa Zsa Gabor, she's about 95 right now. And Jesse Jackson Jr. is a bit of a trainwreck these days, which makes him a good pick in the Amy Winehouse sorta style. Gino, you've done well.

Now it's time for the Benster's picks. He says:

Vladimir Putin
Morley Safer
Luis Suarez
Bashar Assad
Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Okay, here's my explanation. Putin is ticking off a lot of people lately, which means he's got a chance to get assassinated at pretty much any time. Morley Safer is a very old dude who seems to clutter up 60 Minutes and seems to be drooling on himself every time he appears. Luis Suarez is a striker for Liverpool FC, the soccer club I hate the most. Suarez is also a racist and a very dirty player, which means he could get whomped upside the head by a hooligan at pretty much any moment. And he'd deserve it. Bashar Assad is in the middle of a civil war, which means he's a good candidate to get Ceaucescued. And Ruth Bader Ginsburg seems to be propped up on the Supreme Court bench by way of hydraulic cylinders.

That's a pretty formidable list, actually. Here are my picks:

Hugo Chavez
Theodore Hesburgh
Patty Andrews
Pete Seeger
Stan Musial

Chavez, as we know, is very ill. He's the only leftover from last year's list. I was surprised to find out that Fr. Hesburgh is still alive, but he's now 95 and you have to wonder how much time he has left. Patty Andrews is the last of the Andrews Sisters and is also in her 90s and apparently in ill health. Pete Seeger is our favorite Commie folksinger who is now also in his 90s. He might survive because bile is a preservative. And while I hate to say it, Stan the Man is getting up there -- last I heard he was 92 and he's been fading from the scene for a while now.

So there you have it. Nominations remain available until the end of day on January 2. But if someone dies tomorrow, don't put that individual on your list. We'll be watching you, Wazowski.

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