Benster and D Pick Your Games -- Hassle Matt Cassel Edition

So, old dude, it looks like the Vikings are going to try to recreate the victories of the Nordic hordes who ransacked Jolly Olde England a thousand years ago.

I thought they were there to play football.

That's just the cover story. I think. But we'll get to that eventually. Meanwhile, we have other business to attend to. Watch me work!

Iowa Hawkeyes (-1.5) vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers. Wait a minute, Vegas. You're seriously having the Gophers as a home dog? Have you seen Iowa play this year? They suck! They look like they snuck Ricky Stanzi back. Or maybe they're suiting up Zombie Nile Kinnick! Actually, they could use Zombie Nile Kinnick, given the caliber of the players wearing black and gold these days. The Gophers have been playing very well and are 4-0. While they did schedule a certain amount of cupcakes, they weren't all cupcake-like. In fact, San Jose State was more of a bundt cake. Bottom line is, the pig will not leave. Minnesota 24, Iowa 7.

I think Iowa is a little better than terrible, but these two teams are about equal right now. Since the game is in Minneapolis, I tend to agree that the pig is staying put. Minnesota 27, Iowa 21.

Beloved Wisconsin Badgers (+7) vs. Hated The Ohio State University Golden Pants Selling Weasels. If you are a regular reader of this feature, you may have noticed that I, the Benster, am not a fan of "The Ohio State University." In fact, I kinda hate 'em. Why is that, you ask? Well, they managed to replace Cheaty McSweater with someone who is even more smug and arrogant, Urban "Blight" Meyer. As always, the Buckeyes feature a boatload of talented athletes who (a) may or may not be running side businesses with ill-gotten merchandise or (b) may or may not be attending classes in animal husbandry and sports facilities management, or something like that. The point is, it's a easy team to hate. Meanwhile, the Badgers recovered nicely from the screw job in the desert and gave Purdue their annual thumping. Melvin Gordon is a beast and he is going to be a legitimate Heisman candidate after he leaves tread marks over various Buckeye defenders. Badgers 31, NCAA Investigation Target 28.

Tough game for the Badgers. As the young fella noted, the Buckeyes are loaded with talent, as usual. And Meyer, while irritating, is a heck of a coach. I think it's close, but I have to sadly disagree with my son's sparkling analysis. Ohio State 31, Badgers 27.

Ole Miss Rebels (+15) vs. Alabama Roll Tide. Speaking of teams that I find annoying, we turn our attention to Nick Saban, who is not shady but is oilier than western North Dakota. He leads his NFL-ready Tide against Ole Miss, which has been impressive this year up to now. They are stepping up in class rather a lot, but they should have hope. Alabama is not invincible at home, as Johnny Football proved last year, and LSU proved two years ago in the latest "Game of the Century." I believe that Alabama is going to get picked off eventually and this game is going to be the one. Ole Miss 35, Alabama 0.

Uh, no. I think Alabama might lose this year, but it won't be to Ole Miss. Alabama 34, Ole Miss 17.

Pittsburgh Stillers (-3) vs. Minnesota Vikings, in London, Baby! Time for a musical interlude. Sing it with me, Geritol Fan!

Come out of your cupboards, you boys and girls! It's time to watch some really mediocre American Football! The Vikings have conveniently noticed that Christian Ponder has sore ribs. I believe the injury diagnosis came from Famous Dave's, but I haven't confirmed that. So naturally, when in England, it makes sense to go with the Cassel. Matt Cassel, that is. Here is a scene of the Vikings at another castle:

Will the Steelers make the Vikings go away, or shall they taunt them a second time? Steelers 17, Vikings 7.

I'm guessing Ben Roethlisberger isn't the one using this outrageous accent, but assuming he doesn't spend a lot of time chatting up the pub girls, he's a tough guy to beat. Both of these teams really need this game, which makes it interesting, but I'm pretty sure the Vikings wish they were in the Metrodome instead of Wembley Stadium. Pittsburgh 27, Vikings 20.

Tottenham Hotspur (NL) vs. Chelsea. Look, this is the football game taking place in London this weekend that people there really care about. We haven't picked too many Premier League fixtures in this space, but as you know I have mad soccer skillz when it comes to the Premier League. Chelsea is a perennial power in the Premier League, but lately Tottenham has risen in the ranks from a mid-table club to a contender for bigger things. As it happens, the old dude is a Tottenham supporter, even though he doesn't really understand the game. Of course, not understanding the game has never stopped the old dude, as his always dubious picks have proven throughout the years. The thing is, this game is taking place at Tottenham's stadium, the venerable White Hart Lane, which sounds like a good name for a trailer park somewhere in Oklahoma. Actually, it's a somewhat fashionable address in North London. And Spurs will do well, considering they have improved despite selling superstar Gareth Bale. Tottenham 2, Chelsea 1.

It's true, I do like Tottenham Hotspur. How can you not like a team named Tottenham Hotspur? And let's face it, how can you not like their new coach, who provides a useful tutorial on the game. Really, check it out -- I'm sure you'll learn something.

Actually, I do know this much -- Gareth Bale is gone and Spurs now have guys named Soldado and Paulinho. So how can you not love that? Tottenham 1, Chelsea 0.

Bear Down Chicago da Bearz (+3) vs. Detroit Rock City Motor City Kitties. Back to the football that we actually understand. So far, da Bearz are off to a fine start, gladdening the heart of our pal Gino and exciting the citizenry of Chicago. Now they go to Detroit, where Ndamukong Suh awaits with plans to stomp Jay Cutler in the facemask. Here is Suh at a recent Lions practice:

As always, I appreciate Suh's calm approach to the game. Lions 28, da Bearz 7.

The Bears have improved, but this is going to be a tough assignment. Jay Cutler has historically played quite well against the Lions, but Suh, Nick Fairley and company are in a foul mood this week. And while the Bears are in good position right now, they're going to come back to the pack a bit. Lions 31, Bears 27.

Understand this -- we will be picking an Everton game one of these weeks. Everton is my club. Ben out!