Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Benster and D Pick Your Bowl Games -- Big Ten and More, Baby!

We now return to our regularly scheduled HYYYYYYPPPPPE! So far, we did pretty good, picking those nasty Badgers over the Miami Candy Canes. Dad, I thought those Miami uniforms looked like candy canes! And they played like candy--

Watch your mouth, son. I hear ya knockin', though.

Now that most of the dumb bowl games, like the Stalingrad Bowl, are just a dim, pointless memory, let's actually pick some bowl games that people might care about. We'll save the BCS Championship Game for next week, though. Oh, one other thing: even though we promised to only pay attention to bowl games that people care about, we'll pick the Insight Bowl, too.

Insight Bowl: Minnesota Golden Brewsters (-2 1/2) vs. Iowa State Cyclones. Auntie Em! It's a twista! It's a twista! Dorothy! Come into the house and watch a couple of really bad teams play in a meaningless bowl game! It's twisted! But do you know what's really twisted? Tim Brewster. In his very first press conference, he proved he was a world-class blowhard. I was only 11 at the time and I could figure that one out! Anyway, I think the Brew Crew should pull this one out, just to prove how pointless it is. Gopher Nation 60, It's a Twista 10.

Wow, if you're that cynical when you're 14, I hate to imagine what we'll be seeing in a few years, Seabiscuit. But you're right -- this game is pretty much a joke. The Gophers are profoundly mediocre and Iowa State is, too. But at least the Gopher alums get a trip down to the desert. That's something. I'll pick the Gophers, too. Minnesota 24, Iowa State 21.

Outback Bowl: Au-barn War Eagle!!! (-7 1/2) vs. Northwestern Wildcat Offense. The only time I saw Au-barn was against the Crimson Tide, where they almost beat the Tide and showed Mark "I Struck the Heisman Pose" Ingram a thing or two. Northwestern's best win was when they beat the Badgers in Evanston. This ain't Evanston -- this is Tampa Bay, a noted shipping port, and the Cats will find out that their ship has sailed. War Eagle!!! 90, Northwestern 7.

Uh, no. In fact, I don't even think that Auburn is going to win the game. They are a pretty ordinary SEC team and while that usually is recommendation enough, it won't be this time. I really like the way Northwestern spreads the field and makes teams defend them. I would remind Grasshopper that the Wildcats also went into Iowa City and won. They won't be afraid of Auburn. Northwestern 31, Auburn 24.

Capital One Bowl: Penn State Paternos (-2 1/2) vs. LSU Bayou Bengals. Penn State. Joe Paterno. Got beat by Iowa. In Happy Valley. Going to play a team that gave the Tebows a run for their money. Sorry, JoePa. You won't be happy in this Valley. LSU 40, Penn State 0.

No one believes me, but I don't think the SEC is that good this year. LSU looked pretty ordinary in the games that I saw them play. Penn State probably has the best talent in the Big Ten this year. They definitely have the oldest coach. That may not be enough to win, but I suspect the Nittany Lions will give a good accounting. LSU 24, Penn State 19.

Alamo Bowl: Texas Tech Red Leach-Free Raiders (-7 1/2) vs. Sparty the Spartan. Mike Leach, this is your mother speaking! What I have told you about respect? You don't lock a kid in the closet, especially when the kid's dad has an ESPN microphone available to him 24/7. And he's probably going to sue your butt! Anyway, after that rant, it looks like the Red Raiders might be in a little bit of flux, because of the aforementioned coach, who I am happy to say is back to Middle Ages! Anyway, look for Sparty to play the Santa Anna role in this game. Sparty the Spartan 30, Texas Tech 19.

Ordinarily, I would have picked Texas Tech to win this easily. But this game is now just about impossible to figure. I don't know if the Texas Tech players will be happy to be rid of the Broom Closet Torquemada or if they'll fold up without their, ahem, colorful leader. Here's the thing -- the rest of the TTU coaching staff are Leach's henchmen. I think Sparty got a big gift and will have the wit to use it. Michigan State 31, Texas Tech 24.

Rose Bowl: Oregon Ducks (-4) vs. The Ohio State University Buckeyes. It's going to be strength against strength. The Ducks have a serious running game with LaGarrette (Manny Pacquiao) Blount and LaMichael (No, I haven't punched anybody) James. And I almost forgot to mention Jeremiah (Usain Bolt) Masoli, the fastest quarterback you will ever see. But, even though Jim Tressel usually dresses like a middle school science teacher (and I'm in middle school so I'm an authority on that subject), he always makes Ohio State competitive. But the Ducks are too fast for the Bucks. Quack Quack 100, Oh No 2.

How do you show someone shaking their head on a blog? That's what I'm doing right now. I agree, Oregon is the better team and should win. But a 98 point spread seems a bit much. Let's be a tad more conservative and figure that the Ducks won't score on every single play. Oregon 34, Ohio State 16.

Sugar Bowl: Florida Tebows (-13) vs. Cincinnati Bearcats. Hey, guess what? It's the Missing Coach Bowl! Urban Meyer is taking a leave of absence and Brian Kelly is simply absent entirely, having headed out to South Bend to get fed to the alums. Both teams feature good quarterbacks, with Tim Tebow highlighting the Gators and Tony Pike leading the Bearcats. Sing it with me, Decrepit: Oh where, oh where have our coaches gone, oh where or where can they be? One is taking pills and the other is getting killed, oh where oh where can they be! Florida 50, Cincy 49.

Huh. I'm not sure Florida has given up 49 points all season. They play pretty good defense, and they have their man Tebow. I suspect they'll win, but Cincinnati is a pretty good outfit and this one will be close. Florida 24, Cincinnati 20.

Fiesta Bowl: TCU Horned Frogs (-7 1/2) vs. Boise State Smurfs in Glendale, AZ. Two undefeated teams not playing for the national title? In the immortal words of Jim Mora, Playoffs? Playoffs? It's about time that the BCS went away and we had some playoffs! And as for the corrupt executives who run the BCS, they are who we thought they were! A good rant, won't you say, Dad?

Yes, very nice. Now aren't you supposed to pick the game, Seabiscuit?

Oh yeah. Good point. Blue Field Smurfs 84, Horned Frogs 83.

You seem a little unclear on the concept. That's a basketball score. Anyway, this is actually a good game and yet probably the most shameful thing that the BCS has done. They've essentially turned this game into the Island of Misfit Toys Bowl and segregated the upstarts from the big boys. I get the distinct impression that the big boys don't want to be embarrassed. I'm picking TCU, but it will be very close. TCU 31, Boise State 24.

Orange Bowl: Georgia Tech Ramblin' Wrecks (-4) vs. Iowa Hawkeyes. Guess who's back! It's my favorite whipping boy, Ricky Stanzi! He's returned from injury to face my insults! That's right, Ricky -- you better run, pally, the Big Bad Benster is after you! If you ask me, if Iowa had a better quarterback they could be playing the BCS Championship Game, or at least the Rose Bowl. Instead, they have to go to Miami and face the Ramblin' Wreck, which is most famous for beating Cumberland College 222-0. Oddly enough, I wasn't born then so I couldn't have predicted that score, although I would have. I'll actually be generous to Iowa. Iowa 222, Cumberland 0.

Ben, I think that Iowa is playing Georgia Tech, not Cumberland. Care to try again?

If you insist. Iowa 30, Georgia Tech 6.

I'll admit -- the Big Ten gets no respect and hasn't earned much lately, to be honest. But I can't figure out why Georgia Tech is favored in this game. Iowa is what they always are: resourceful, tough and a very good defensive squad. Georgia Tech is a good ACC team, but frankly that doesn't mean as much as people think. I suspect that Iowa will win and that Ricky Stanzi will play well, despite my son's misgivings. Iowa 24, Georgia Tech 13.

That's probably enough HYYYYYPPPPPE! for now. Of course, I'm probably going to have to ask Obama to investigate the BCS. Four undefeated teams, only two get the chance. It's not right, baby! Ben out!


Night Writer said...

Hey, the Insight Bowl is the sneak preview of the realigned Big 10 1/2 Conference as it winds up adding Iowa State, which the Big 12 replaces with ... Boise State!

Mr. D said...

Could be, NW. One of these days I'll get back to my Big 10 expansion series and tell you my Deep Thoughts on the matter.

Oh, and congratulations again on the big news!

Anonymous said...

Boy the Gophers really hold up their end of the bargain for overall Big Ten Credibility don't they? Nice Bowl Game, Nice Acc/Big Ten Challenge Game. Nice preseason hype, and nice post season depression. Another year, another list of Gopher teams that don't live up to expections. I guess it's Tubby's turn to prove me wrong!

Maroussia said...

It will be great to watch Oregon Ducks, i have bought tickets from looking forward to it.