Fearless Maria is back with us this evening and she seems a little, well, tired.
Ohhh, what's goin' on, Daaaad? I'm tiiiirred! Can you get me a Blizzard from Dairy Queen to help wake me up?
Hmm, that's an odd idea. Why so tired, Maria?
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, Dad! Doesn't that ever happen to you?
You just described pretty much the entire mid-80s for me, Maria.
Oh, good for you. Now how about that blizzard? Yaaaawn.
We'll see about that a little later. I thought you were here to offer your usual critique of music and fashion from rock's bygone era.
Oh, the last time we did this, I nearly fell asleep. And so did our audience, Daddy! Oops, I don't call you Daddy anymore. Sorry about that. Can't you see how tired I am? I don't even remember who I am, I'm so tired! Do you have some really weird stuff to wake me up?
Why yes. Yes I do. Let's set the wayback machine to the year 1972. We're going to look at what was appearing on Top of the Pops on the BBC in that year. Consider this, the debut effort from Roxy Music:
So what's the name of that song, Dad?
Virginia Plain, Maria.
Hey Dad, c'mere a second! Take a look at this tablecloth in the living room -- I think Roxy Music recycled their outfits to make this. Ugly plus ugly equals ugly! I did like the singer's choice of eye shadow, though -- psych! The drummer looks like he can't decide if he's Tarzan or if he's Jane! All right, Dad, but I'm not sure this is better than going back to sleep.
Way to sell the premise, Maria.
What am I, a real estate agent? Maybe a really mistaken agent in your view -- huh, Dad?
No, you're going fine, sweetheart. Actually, if you thought those guys were weird, we're just getting started. Consider our old pal David Bowie:
That would be "Starman," Maria.
Well, it looks like someone had a big order mixup at JoAnn Fabrics again! Those were all supposed to be shipped to Dumpsters, Inc., but it appears that the nice tuxedos went to the Dumpsters, instead! It's a wonderful life. And what was the deal with that guy with the guitar who looked like he had a couple of raccoons hanging off his cheeks? They weren't wearing roadkill, were they?
I don't think so, Maria. This was Bowie during his "Ziggy Stardust" period.
You mean he was into space exploration? Or was he just spaced out?
Could be both, Maria.
Every time you show me things like this, Dad, it explains a lot about you. Have you ever considered seeking professional help?
No, but after you see this next one, you'll probably insist on it. It's the Sweet, getting even weirder than usual:
That would be "Wig Wam Bam."
More like wigged out, man! Hey kids, this is a great way to learn about Native American culture! Not! Looks like these guys had a bad blow through in the remnant section at Hancock Fabrics! Especially the guy who was supposed to be Chief Powhatan or something. Maybe Pocahontas thought her father needed professional help, too!
I'll admit, the only psychologist I've ever consulted is the character on the Bob Newhart Show, sweetheart.
Make up your mind, Mr. Carlin!
Yeah, that guy.
Okay, so you've shown me 3 songs. I'm awake but still a bit dozing offfffff..... yawn. Snore. You have anything more perky, Dad?
Oh, you want perky, eh? I got perky right here!
It's the Jackson 5, with Michael giving Tito a shout-out, on "Rockin' Robin."
Bless my soul -- it hurts my eyes it's so bright! I wouldn't be surprised if Ronald McDonald joined them on stage with his red and yellow outfit! Okay, so the outfits are a bit flashy, but they are acceptable. And the song is fun fun fun! I'd vote for this one, people, unless Dad comes up with something better pretty soon.
I don't know if this is better. But it is different:
It's "Hocus Pocus," by the Focus!
What's up with the yodeling, Dad? Are they singing in some sort of witch language? Or is he trying to get some Swiss Miss cocoa? Or maybe he's imitating a dying dodo bird! Actually, that cocoa sounds good about now, since you clearly aren't getting me that blizzard, are you?
I think the yodeling was a good move, because I'm not sure these guys could speak English.
Maybe they were speaking Old English! Have you asked Beowulf?
He won't return my calls, Maria.
Well Dad, they didn't have cell phones in the 11th century, now did they? They didn't even have the tin can telephone yet!
True. Well, are you feeling awake enough to check out one more song from 1972?
Sure, I guess so. But it better be good.
Oh, I think it is. In honor of the MEA conference, we present:
School's Out, for October!
You know what Alice Cooper never says in this song?
A word that rhymes?
Good point. But he never says "no more homework." Because the homework never ends! It's not fair! Well, okay, sometimes it's okay, but other days it's horrid! I'm awake all right, Dad! I awake, aware, alert and ready and rarin' to go on strike! Alice Cooper has inspired me! Just don't make me wear that silly purple outfit the girl on stage is wearing! It looks like a peasant blouse jumper made from a plum colored Goodyear Blimp! I have standards, you know.
True. But what happens at the end of this, Maria?
The apocalypse and we all die? Not that I want that to happen, or really truly believe that, but....
No, I meant it's time to vote.
Oh. Oops. I guess you're right. So just do what Dad says! Sometimes he may need professional help with such simple things, like picking normal videos and buying his precious daughter a well-deserved blizzard (preferably Chocolate Extreme), but he is a lot smarter than I am.
I really doubt that, Maria.
Okay, ask me a question.
What should the audience do now?
Vote, people! That's what they should do!