Yeah, why aren't we watching baseball, again?
Decrepit, please. You know that everyone is looking for a dose of HYYYYYYYYPPPPPPPE!
Okay. I get it. But let's make it snappy.
Oh, I'm always snappy, Geritol Fan. In fact, entire college football programs view my picks and say "Oh, Snap!" But that's why you're here. Watch me work.
Iowa Hawkeyes (-16) vs. Minnesota Golden Road Kill. The good news is that Floyd of Rosedale has been chilling out in the Gopher trophy case for the past year. The bad news is that the Iowegians have returned and are wanting to bring home the bacon for their Homecoming Parade. After all, what do you call a dead pig on a tractor? The Iowa Homecoming Parade, of course! The old dude told me that joke and I think he first heard it back in 1794 or something. Can the Gophers keep the Pig? Um, good luck with that. Iowa 24, Gophs 3.
I'm just hoping that the Iowa fans behave themselves in the restrooms. The Gophers need help and Kirk Ferentz isn't known for his compassion. Iowa 31, Gophers 10.
Beloved Wisconsin Badgers (-7) vs. Ohio State Tattoo Artists. Well, the good news is that the Badgers can still go to Pasadena. The bad news is that they won't get a chance to get drilled by LSU or Alabama in the BCS Title Game, which isn't really a title game (I'd start ranting but the old dude wants to watch the World Series, so I'm being terse). The Badgers have won in Columbus numerous times in the last 20-30 years and this team is significantly better than the Buckeyes are. However, teams now have a road map for how to beat the Badgers. The key is to get that balance the entire game. I don't know that the Buckeyes can do that. Mad Badgers 63, OH-NO 0.
The Buckeyes are better than that. But they won't be able to outscore Wisconsin. In order to do that, you have to score and the Buckeyes have trouble with that. Wisconsin 34, Ohio State 13.
Minnesota Ponders (+3 1/2) vs. Carolina Fig Newtons. It's the rookie quarterback extravaganza! Christian Ponder vs. Scam Newton! Ponder looked pretty good last week (and that's what the ladies think, too, or so I hear) against the Packers. But there's a reason the Panthers have Scam Newton on their team -- they are only one year removed from being the footwipe of the league. Newton almost knocked the Packers off, but he fell short. And that's been the pattern all season. Newton throws for about 900 yards a game, but the Panthers lose anyway. Will things be different this week? That's why you come here -- the Benster knows. Fig Newtons 20, Vi-Queens 17.
I thought the ladies love Cetera. But I digress. Carolina has a hard time stopping the run. Adrian Peterson is the best running back on the planet. I think we can do the math. Vikings 27, Panthers 20.
Detroit Motor City Kitties (-3) vs. Denver Tebows. It's the clumsiest quarterback in the land vs. the meanest defensive tackle on the planet! Tebow vs. Suh! This is the sort of thing that could set the NFL back years! I don't think Tim Tebow is a competent starter, because he seems to take off with the ball too much instead of hitting open receivers like Eric Decker, former Gopher great and current fantasy football benchwarmer on Team Benster. Tebow is killing me here and I take it personally. The Lions seem to have hit a rough patch the last few weeks. But there's a difference this week -- they aren't playing a competent team. Lions 35, Tebow 21.
I didn't watch Tebow play last week, but he seems to have the same skill set as the old Bear quarterback, Bobby Douglass. And we all remember how wildly successful Bobby Douglass was. The Lions used to beat Bobby Douglass, too, so this will seem like old home week. Maybe the Lions can bring back Lem Barney for the occasion. Lions 31, Denver 16.
Okay, that's enough of that. When the old dude starts making Lem Barney references, that's a sign that his Metamucil is starting to kick in. So I'd better skedaddle. Ben out!
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