'Twas the night before the draft, and all through the house, the sounds of Mel Kiper were getting waaaay too loud! Decrepit, now there's a guy who understands the finer points of HYYYYYPPPPPPEE!
And how to turn a head of hair into a feat of industrial engineering.
That's because he needs to shelter that giant brain full of 40-yard dash times and other draft jargon! Old dude, you know what?
What?
We should mock the draft! You know what separates this blog from all those mouthbreathing weasels who write mock drafts and obsess about the standing vertical jump ability of guys from Abilene Christian?
Other than we write our blog at the dining room table instead of in our mom's basement?
Yeah, you hear me knocking, Geritol fan! We should literally mock the draft, because if there's anything that deserves mocking, it's draft nerds!
I'm with ya, dude. So, how do we do this?
Well, we could undertake a reasoned analysis of the NFC North and the various needs of its member teams. Or we could just make stuff up. I vote for making stuff up.
Okay. Let's go around the division, then. We'll start close to home, with the Vikings.
The Vikings seem to be lacking a certain amount of ability at the wimp position. What's that? You didn't know there was a wimp position in the NFL? Obviously you haven't learned the in-depth thinking of an NFL scout or executive. There's always a need for some wimpiness in every organization. Now that Brad Childress has left town, there's a crying need for a wimp on the team. Brad liked to act like a strutting little bald peacock dude with a Panama hat, but deep down we saw through that and saw his wimpitude. So if you need a wimp, one needs to stay close to home. The Twin Cities isn't filled with macho dudes, except me of course. So I've been busy scouting the local airwaves for available talent. And there's little question that the guy the Vikings need has been busy working as a sideline reporter for FSN. He's got the irritating, high-pitched voice, the stage presence of Tiny Tim and reminds you of a high school loser that never made it with the ladies. Oh, sorry, I started singing Aerosmith there. Anyway, the obvious choice for the Vikings is Robbie Incmikoski.
Robbie would be an intriguing pick, but I'm concerned that the uniform staff at Winter Park would have a difficult time fitting his last name on the jersey. So I think the Vikings ought to take a lesson from another team in town, especially one that has a lot of experience drafting high. That would be their crosstown neighbors, the Timberwolves. David Kahn has made a bajillion trades in the last two years and has turned his team from a 15-win squad to a 17-win squad. Now, that's not so good if you play 82 games, but the Vikings only 16, so if they could win 15 that would be pretty good. Kahn loves to draft guys who are "long and athletic," although that seems to translate into guys with overactive pituitary glands. The one guy who the Wolves really love, but haven't been able to bring to town, is the guy who might do the most to turn things around for the Vikes. My pick for the Vikings is Ricky Rubio.
Good pick, old dude! Now, let's get to the Lions. The Lions have a definite need for attitude. They've been kicked around for over 50 years now and they show up for work wearing really wimpy light blue shirts. Now that's okay if you are a claims adjuster or something, but there's a rumor that the Lions are actually in the National Football League, so they may need to step up their game a bit. I would recommend that if you want attitude in Detroit, you should keep the search local and find the Detroiter with the most attitude possible. I ruled out Jimmy Hoffa because he's been missing since 20 years before I was born, and I also ruled out former Pistons bad boy extraordinaire Bill Laimbeer because he's been hanging out with the Timberwolves and that's pretty much the kiss of death when it comes to toughness and attitude. My pick for the Lions is the real Slim Shady, Eminem.
I've always thought the reason the Lions stink is that they are, well, cheap. So it stands to reason that they won't want to spend a lot of money on this pick. They also tend to be absurdly loyal to people who are already on the payroll, which means that the right guy for the Lions should be someone who is already in the employ of the Ford family and who knows a little something about unpleasant tasks. Let's face it, being a member of the Lions is one of the dirtiest jobs around, so my pick for the Lions is "Dirty Jobs" host, and Ford spokesman, Mike Rowe.
Now, it's time to go on to daaaaaa Bearz. Let's face facts here, people. Da Bears have two things that they are famous for -- nastiness and a tedency to be evil. The problem is that it's really tough to get your evil street cred when your head coach is named Lovie. I mean, what? Thurston Howell III wasn't available? Maybe these dopes should change their names to the Care Bears and be done with it! What a bunch of weenies! I recommend that da Bearz get back to basics and live up to their ruthless past. Now what is more ruthless than a guy who calls in air strikes against his own citizens? He's also a little crazy like Dick Butkus was. The obvious choice for da Bearz is Muammar Gadaffi.
That's probably a pretty good pick for the Bears, but I think what they really need to do is ramp up their obnoxiousness factor a little bit. Bears fans are at their best when they are obnoxious, so the team really needs to take a guy who combines bad taste and a really, really grating voice. Since they can't draft their shameless homer broadcaster Hub Arkush, since he already works for them, I'm going to recommend that they go for the suddenly available one-time voice of the AFLAC duck, Gilbert Gottfried.
So that leaves us with our beloved, Super Bowl Champion Green Bay Packers! You did know that they won the Super Bowl, right? I realize no one in Minnesota has ever seen the Vince Lombardi Trophy, but trust me, it's pretty cool and we have four of them in Green Bay. Okay, that's enough Vikings bashing -- back to business. The problem in Wisconsin lately is that even though the season has been over for two months now, the people in Wisconsin continue to keep acting like they are in a scrimmage, except they use politicians instead of linebackers. Now, I'm really tired of this -- if Wisconsin is going to put all this effort into fighting, they need to have these folks suit up in Green and Gold and go kick some Lion butt! That's why I am recommending that the Packers select David Prosser.
I think you're on to something, Seabiscuit, but the problem is Prosser probably won't be available. I do like your theory, though, so I'm going to recommend that they select JoAnne Kloppenburg instead. She's available and she'll probably be ready to kick somebody's butt. And her hair is no more absurd than Clay Matthews's hair.
Now I know one thing, Decrepit -- there's no way that Mel Kiper could have come up with anything close to our mock draft. I am hoping that you'll get me a Mel Kiper fright wig for Halloween, though. But I have to ask you one thing --
What's that, young fella?
Would wearing that much fiberglass on my head cause me to have a slipped disk in my neck?
Possibly. Do you mean to tell me you aren't prepared to suffer for your art?
No, suffering for my art is the job of the readers. Ben out!
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