Benster and D Pick Your Games -- Playoffs? We're Talking About Playoffs? Edition

What's that? Playoffs? We're talking about the playoffs? Well, actually we are. Because at this point of the year every football fan is now feeling the HYYYYYYYYPPPPPPE!

I thought it was stomach flu.


Of course not -- that's just your rapidly decaying system punishing you for that burrito you just ate, old dude. I told you, you need to stick to the brown sugar and cinnamon oatmeal. It will soothe you.

Thanks for the tip, Seabiscuit.


I'm a helper. I like to help. But most of all, I like to dominate. Watch me work!

Cincinnati Bungles (+3) vs. Houston Texans. Actually, it's not fair to call the team from Cincy the Bungles this year, because somehow they managed to make the playoffs. That doesn't happen very often in Cincinnati, which has been traditionally a very poor squad. But they can do some things. They play defense well and they have a good young quarterback in Andy Dalton, who scares his opponents with his flaming red hair. And it kinda matches the helmets the Bengals wear -- kinda has that orange-y glow, like a campfire around midnight. But enough about that. Houston was pretty dang good, but unfortunately they ran out of quarterbacks about Week 12. Last we saw, they were starting T. J. Yates, a rookie quarterback from North Carolina who is not to be confused with T. J. Hooker, the bad 80s cop show that featured William Shatner, usually draped over the hood of a car. I hear the old dude really enjoyed that one -- big Heather Locklear fan, I'm told. But we still haven't gotten to the game yet. The Texans don't have a passing game to augment their strong running game, while the Bengals can pass some but don't always run the ball effectively. So what happens? Bungles 17, Texans 13.


This could be a very boring game. Very boring. I might have to break out some T. J. Hooker reruns instead. I can still hear Shatner's classic line reading, upon finding a murdered starlet in one episode of the show. "She came here with stars in her eyes, and left with a bullet in her chest." Genius. Anyway, as for the game, I think Houston will win, but barely. And they won't enjoy the trip to Baltimore the next week. Houston 20, Cincinnati 14.


Detroit Motor City Kitties (+10 1/2) vs. New Orleans Saints. So the Lions have been waiting since 1999 to make the playoffs and this is their reward. Bummer. Drew Brees has been en fuego all season and when the Lions paid a visit to New Orleans a few weeks back, he torched them for about 900 yards and 14 touchdowns. It might not have been that much, but it certainly seemed like it. Meanwhile, the Lions are still licking their wounds from the beatdown that Matt Flynn, of all people, gave them last week in Lambeau. The Lions can score, but their star wide receiver Calvin "Megatron" Johnson has a bad Achilles tendon, which doesn't bode well for the boys from Motown. Saints 49, Lions 14.


I'm impressed with Matthew Stafford, but he's going to have to be pretty awesome to beat Drew Brees in New Orleans. I think the Lions will get some shots in, but unless the pass rush gets to Brees, they are toast. I don't think it will. Of course, the early exit will give Ndamukong Suh a chance to film his latest round of commercials for Subway. He'll also have plenty of time to eat. Saints 45, Lions 31.


Hotlanta Falcons (+3) vs. New York Football Giants. So, who's playing in this game? Now that we've established who is playing in the game, let's get to the analysis. The Falcons have been up and down this year, but they have managed to claw their way back into the playoffs after last year's devastating, and I do mean devastating, loss to the Packers. Good for them. I don't think the Falcons have enough firepower to win, even though the much-vaunted Giant running attack has been missing all season. Eli Manning has a lot of weapons and he's playing with great confidence right now. So much confidence that he will take the Giants back to Lambeau for a chance to get some revenge. Not that he'll get it, of course, but we'll worry about that next week. For now, G-Men 20, Rise Up! 17.


The thing about the Giants is, they are inconsistent. They can be tremendous one week, then lose to the Redskins the next. This time they are playing a competent NFL team. I'm feeling the upset. Atlanta 27, Giants 21.


Pittsburgh Stillers (-8 1/2) vs. Denver Tebows. Think about that pointspread, old dude. The game is in Denver. Ben Roethlisberger is limping badly. Rashard Mendenhall is out for the season. And yet the Steelers are more than a touchdown favorite. Talk about a lack of respect for our man Tebow! In fact, Tebow can actually make plays against the Steeler defense, especially considering James Harrison and Troy Polamalu are hurt and may not be so effective. Meanwhile, Tebow is like these guys. Broncos 10, Steelers 3.


I get the theory -- the Steelers are coming into town looking like they should be carrying a drum and a fife. But really, as much fun as the Tebow thing was, he's not really an NFL quarterback and the Steelers aren't likely to be bamboozled by Tebow's antics. It's hard for Tebow to win the game in the last two minutes when his team is down by more than two touchdowns. And they will be. Steelers 24, Broncos 10.


That's it for now. I'll be back over the weekend to give my pick for the BCS Championship Game and to uncork a rant the likes of which you will not believe. Ben out!