Guilty Pleasures Part Eighty-Four -- Chief of Staff Fearless Maria Offers Random Dance Moves

Hey everybody, Fearless Maria is back in town! And I'm now the Chief of Staff of the MOB! Take that, Learned Foot!

Well, Foot is due some courtesy, since he's Secretary of State for Life.


Well, tell me this, Mayor Dad -- if I'm Chief of Staff, do I get to boss him around? Because I'm prepared to boss him around. I am. Then again, I heard he's a lawyer so I'd better be careful.

Yes, it is a good idea to be courteous to lawyers.


But do I get to boss him around? C'mon, Dad -- let me boss him around! I never get to boss anyone around! Well, that's a bit of hyperbole -- I do boss around Ben from time to time when he has it coming. But who cares? I just want to get on with the post, so answer my question, buddy! Do I get to boss Learned Foot around?

Yes -- I think you can boss him around. How far it gets you is another matter, of course.


Okay, then. As long as I have the power, I'll use it wisely and won't pursue it for now. So now, this is a Guilty Pleasures. And no, this is not Zombie Fearless Maria. I didn't die, or even retire. I just haven't gotten around to doing a Guilty Pleasures in a while. Sometimes the Mayor gets too busy writing about the Vikings stadium. Sometimes my English teacher is too busy assigning me big honking essays. Which I ace, of course, because I'm Fearless. And just pure awesomeness.

And modest.


Hey, I thought you told me that it isn't bragging if you can back it up. So let's back up the Wayback Machine and play some music from the time of the Phoenician sailors! Yes, I'm getting into my Social Studies classes and I think some of the stuff that Dad finds is at least that old. Like this song:

That's Wilson Pickett, doing the Land of 1,000 Dances. So Dad, what the heck is a bonie maronie, anyway? Or the mashed potato?

I think those were old dance crazes. Ol' Wilson goes through a lot of them on his list.


Well, he's sure wearing a lot of leather, too. His hair is fine and his outfit is kinda silly, but it was 1966, so that's just how things were those days. Right, Dad?

Well, I turned 3 in 1966, so I'm not entirely sure. I know I didn't wear a leather jumpsuit.


So did you wear a leather onesie? No, I don't think Grandma would be that cruel. I suppose you were eating more mashed potatoes than doing the mashed potato dance. But by the time the next some came out, you might have had some dance moves:

This one is called "Give It Up or Turn It Loose." That's what they told you in kindergarten, right, when you were hogging the sand table. Or maybe when you were hogging the magazines in the school library.

I don't remember what magazines they had in the school library at Jackson Elementary. I think it might have been "Highlights for Children" or something like that.


So, you're telling me your childhood was lame? That explains a few things. I'm surprised that James Brown can crack some of those moves in his suit. He looks fine, and so does his band in a weird sorta way, but the wall behind the band is pretty silly. Kinda like a messed up Target symbol or something. And the song is fun.

The JBs were quite a band.


No, that can't be right. I don't see Justin Bieber anywhere in that video, Dad! He wasn't even born yet! And he's horrible anyway. So let's move on the next one:

That's Sly and the Family Stone, who seemed to have misplaced their copy of "Hooked on Phonics" when they named this song "Thank You (Falettin Me Be Mice Elf Agin)." Did they leave their copy at Jackson Elementary School for you to read, Dad?

I don't remember seeing them there, but it's possible, Maria. This song actually came out around the same time as the James Brown song, but this performance is later on, around 1974 or so. Sly was starting to lose it around this time, but the band could still play.


He was definitely messed up in his outfits. I mean, really -- what did he do, just close his eyes and grab it out of the high school drama department dress-up box? The rest of the band looks slightly strange, but it was 1974 so I guess they were actually normal. The song, obviously, is great, although I could think of a lot of people who would completely frown on that spelling effort. I'm hoping my teachers don't see that I wrote this post and think I've forgotten how to spell. Which I haven't. In fact, I'm very precise, Dad!

That's why you're Chief of Staff, Maria.


Yeah, that and because you really couldn't trust that Red Squirrel guy with that much power. Anyway, let's get on to the next one. Hey, it's a Soul Train video!

That's the O'Jays, singing "For the Love of Money." And look, they are wearing blinding white tuxedos! Ah, the horror that their wives must have gone through trying to wash them after they all got stained from the wine people were throwing at them, because they were so good! Although I guess that Soul Train guy -- what's his name, Dad?

That would be Don Cornelius.


Yeah, that guy -- the guy who always wore the suits with the lapels as wide as Snelling Avenue and patterns as bright as the Great Coral Reef. Yeah, that guy. He must have edited out the wine throwing part. I suppose they are technically well dressed, because the suits don't look bad or anything, but if they'd have been wearing yellow ties, then I would have been concerned. There are definitely some fun dance moves going on, too -- especially the people waving around the giant dollar bills. You did grow up in a strange time, Dad!

Why yes, Maria. Yes, I did.


Glad you snapped out of it, though! All right, we're going to pass over the disco era because it's kinda boring anyway and we'll break out some 80s. Hey look, it's one of our favorites!

Ah yes, the Bangles continue to "Walk Like an Egyptian." And you can tell it's the 80s, because they all have really HUGE HAIR! Their outfits are okay, a little strange but not strange enough to rant about, although if they used that much hair care product, I wonder if the other ladies in town had to do without for a week. I bet they had hair mousse in the 55-gallon drum size! And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we have a hole in the ozone layer!

That could be the reason. I hadn't thought of it, but maybe we should blame the Bangles.


Well, we have to blame somebody, Dad. This is politics -- you're the mayor and if you don't blame somebody, they're going to blame you! And I've seen your hair -- I don't think the mousse is going to help you very much.

I actually tried mousse once during the 80s.


Don't tell me things like that, Dad. I'm going to have nightmares imagining you with Flock of Seagulls hair.

It was a nightmare. But I haven't done that for a very long time now. And there's no photographic evidence out there that shows me in a moussed-up state.


Since we already know what's in the hair, let's find out what's in the heart!

"Groove Is in the Heart!" Deee-Lite! Strange, strange, strange. But I always want to make sure that Dad gets a Bootsy Collins fix and there it is! It's a fun song, but the gigantic platform shoes are a bit much to take, as well as yellow pants with green and yellow dress shirts. Or some kinda shirt. Maybe it was just a bath towel -- it's hard to be certain. But the song does make me want to move my feet.

And that's not a bad thing.


No, it's not, Dad. But now we need to move on to the voting. So let's have you pick your favorite in the comments section! Remember, be nice, please! You wouldn't want to get on the bad side of the Chief of Staff! Or the Mayor. But just between you and me, the Mayor is a pushover compared to me. I'm Fearless Maria and don't you forget it! Peace out!